*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

4/26/2005

new site is up

the blog has moved, the new site is up - at rosie.com... leave your comments there...

free stuff

there is a guy on espn
world poker tour
slicing a carrot
by flinging playing cards
with stunning accuracy

seems impossible
and a tad scary

i am in la
doing press
4 the movie
that airs this sunday
do me a favor
tivo desperate housewives

i saw nadia
from idol
at the airport
gave her a big ol hug
like we were friends
tv does that
she was sweet and beautiful
and kind to all the strangers
like me
acting like they knew her

my site has been down
for remodeling
sometime soon
a new rosie.com
all blog
all the time
with flickr 2 boot

there will a button
for ur e mail address
sign up if u want
i am gonna try
to send ya free stuff
like on my show
only here on the net...
i've been told it's impossible
which means
i will figure out how

weenie and jackie and me
tried to stay up
all night
like we used to
we went to applebees
and then to the marriot
watched meet the fockers
on pay per view
and fell asleep by 10:15

with three spouses
and 9 kids between us
it was the best we could do
43 ain't young

the "your'e not a friend of the letterman show"
guy - said it never happened
yeah - and i am a size six
whatever...
4 me it falls into the
life is too short category

i am starting a line of t shirts
the first one
"go blog urself"
the second
"i don't know rosie - we're not friends"
the third
"hold a grudge"

i remember too much

4/23/2005

depends

so i just found out
i am gonna be offered
a big money deal
by jenny craig

it must be true
cause i read it in a magazine
a real one with glossy pages
like newsweek - full of facts

apparently kirstie alley
had brokered a deal for me
convincing craig - or jenny
they needed me

oh no
maybe they haven't heard
i am on maintenance
yes - this is it
pretty much
give or take a swing 15

i met jeanu from survivor
on the early show yesterday
i liked her in real life
and on tv
lazing around in the hammock
then quitting when she was done
bravo

then on tony danza
i met bryn
the orvelle redenbocker bow tie boy
from the apprentice
love him
he is very short -
which he didn't look on television
and sweet as sweet can be
i loved him in the cab
after being fired
saying he realized
there's no place like home

do you know how donald trump
got his millions?
he father gave it to him

martha stewart
on the other hand
made all her money

ahhh life
carolyn and george
pretty much ARE trump international
there is no wizard

i went to his second wedding
with jason opsahl
my kinecki from grease
i miss him so

he was invited
cause he knew marla
from doing will rogers follies
on broadway
marla is very nice
donald...

what is the secret with his hair
i think he had the back part of his scalp
near his neck
removed (like a 2 inch strip)
and then had it sewn on
the crown of his head
so it's kinda growing
only upside down

i prefer the go with gusto
bald look
than the
how the hell is that happening
hair of the donald

then again
he likes his women thin
and in heels
2 each his own

tonight
me weenie and jackie
are going to have a sleep over
in our hometown hotel
we will toast to weenie joining me
in the 43 club
jackie will tease us about being old
she joins may 15

we are going to go to all the places we did
when we were 16
and used fake id
to get in

it will be a depends night
i am sure

here's 2 u world

4/22/2005

GAY FOSTER MOM

IN 1998
I SPENT THE SUMMER IN MIAMI
RELAXING AFTER
WHAT SOME WOULD CALL
A BREAKDOWN
PANICKED & DESPERATE - SPIRITUALLY SEARCHING
THE DARKNESS HAD RETURNED

DON’T WATCH THE NEWS
IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED

IN A TINY ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT
IN LITTLE HAVANA
A FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL WAS BRUTALLY RAPED
BY A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD “FRIEND OF THE FAMILY”
THE CHILD'S MOTHER SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE INCIDENT
IN THE NEXT ROOM - SIX FEET AWAY
THE BABY HAD BEEN BEATEN
HER TEETH BROKEN - HER BODY RIPPED

THE REPORTER DID NOT GIVE THE CHILDS NAME
DID NOT SHOW HER FACE
YET SHE HAUNTED ME

I THOUGHT OF HER DAILY
KNOWING THERE WAS A REASON
SHE RESONATED WITHIN
ONE I COULD NOT YET SEE

A MONTH LATER
MY TWO YEAR OLD DAUGHTER GOT SICK
I CALLED A DOCTOR - WHO CAME TO THE HOUSE
HE WAS KIND AND CHATTY
FULL OF BAD JOKES
HE TOLD ME HE WORKED OUT OF CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
WHERE - I REMEMBERED
THIS YOUNG GIRL WAS BEING TREATED

I ASKED IF HE KNEW OF HER
HE SAID HE DID - SHE WAS IN BAD SHAPE
I ASKED HIM IF I COULD VISIT HER
HE WASN'T SURE, BUT HE WOULD TRY TO ARRANGE IT

HE DID

I WAS ALLOWED TO MEET HER
TWO WEEKS LATER
AT THE GLADSTONE CENTER
A HOME SEXUALLY ABUSED GIRLS
I AGREED TO VISIT THE GIRLS AS A GROUP
WITHOUT SHOWING ANY SPECIAL INTEREST IN THIS ONE CHILD
I STILL DID NOT KNOW HER NAME

THE NIGHT BEFORE MY VISIT
I SAW THE HANDCUFFED MOTHER ON TV
BEING LED INTO COURT
HEAVY - ANGRY - DETACHED AND SCARY
THE NEWS ANCHOR SAID SHE WAS NOT COOPERATING WITH THE POLICE
I HATED HER

THE MORNING ARRIVED
I FELT SICK
I HAD BEEN TO PLACES LIKE GLADSTONE BEFORE
THIS TIME FELT DIFFERENT

THE GLADSTONE CENTER IS DIFFICULT TO FIND
IT IS COMPLETELY HIDDEN BEHIND A CHURCH
OFF A MAIN ROAD
WITH ONLY A SMALL WOODEN SIGN WHISPERING THE WAY
I WALKED DOWN THE PEBBLE FILLED DRIVEWAY
TOWARD THE ONE STORY CEMENT BLOCK BUILDING
TINY COLORED WILD FLOWERS FOUGHT THEIR WAY
THRU THE GRAY GREEN TANGLE OF WEEDS
A BURST OF BLUE - THE HUE OF HOPE

I INTRODUCED MYSELF TO THE STAFF
AWKWARDLY
I WANTED TO THANK THEM
BUT DID NOT

I WAS BRIEFED
THEN ESCORTED TO THE THERAPY ROOM
TWENTY GIRLS - AGED 5 TO 17
WERE SITTING IN A CIRCLE

TRYING TO CONJURE UPON THEIR FACE
THE EMOTION WRITTEN ON THE CARD
IN THE THERAPISTS HAND
HAPPY - CONCERNED - SHY - SAD - ANGRY

THERAPISTS DETERMINED TO RECONNECT THE CUT WIRES
INSIDE THE HEARTS AND HEADS OF THESE KIDS
TO PULL THEM BACK FROM THE ABYSS

I WAS INTRODUCED
SOME GIRLS WERE EXCITED TO SEE ME
OTHERS TOTALLY DISINTERESTED
THEY ALL HAD QUESTIONS

”YOU IN THE FLINTSTONE MOVIE?”
“DID YOU COME IN A LIMO?”
“YOU LIVE IN A MANSION?”
“WHY YOU HERE SEEING US ANYWAY?”

I TOOK A BREATH
I TOLD THEM I WAS THERE BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF THEM
BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO KNOW THEY HAD VALUE
THAT THERE WERE MANY ADULTS LIKE ME
WHO ONCE WERE KIDS LIKE THEM

I TOLD THEM TO BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES
TO KNOW THERE WERE MORE GOOD PEOPLE THAN BAD
THAT THERE WERE GROWN UPS
WILLING TO FIGHT FOR THEM
TO PROTECT THEM - TO LOVE THEM
I WAITED FOR A RESPONSE......

THEY ASKED IF I KNEW RICKY MARTIN

DURING THE Q AND A I SPOTTED HER
THE GIRL FROM THE NEWS STORY
NOONE POINTED HER OUT - I JUST KNEW
SHE WAS HARD TO MISS
LANKY - BEAUTIFUL AND OBVIOUSLY SUFFERING
WITH A ROUND FACE - BROWN HAIR AND HUGE EYES
SHE BOUNCED IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM
ON AND OFF OF CHAIRS AND LAPS
SHE WAS MANIC BUSY

SHE PAID NO ATTENTION TO ME
FOR MOST OF MY STAY
SHE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM

MY VISIT WAS WINDING DOWN
I TOOK A POLARIOD WITH EACH GIRL
AND GAVE EACH A BEANIE BABY

AS I STARTED TO LEAVE
SHE WALKED BACK IN THE ROOM
THE STUFFED ANIMALS CAUGHT HER EYE
EVERY KID HAD ONE
SHE ASKED - IN SPANISH - IF THERE WAS ONE FOR HER
THERE WAS
SHE CHOSE ONE - CUDDLED IT - AND LOOKED UP AT ME
AFTER A MOMENT - ASKED IF I WANTED TO SEE HER ROOM
I GLANCED AT THE THERAPIST
WAITING FOR APPROVAL
SHE NODDED

THE BABY/CHILD PUT HER TINY HAND IN MINE
AND LED ME DOWN THE HALL
THE LAST ROOM WAS HERS
OLD WOOD BUNK BEDS - A SMALL DRESSER AND A DESK

SHE PUT THE BEANIE BABY I GAVE HER
BESIDE TWO OF HER OWN
HER DOCTOR GAVE HER THOSE - SHE TOLD ME PROUDLY

THE ONE WHO STICHED HER UP - I THOUGHT

ONE BEANIE BABY WAS A DOG
THE OTHER TWO BEARS WITH CLOSED EYES AND FOLDED PAWS
SHE TOLD ME THE BEARS MOMMY WAS DEAD
SO THE BEAR WAS VERY SAD
YES - I TOLD HER - THE BEAR MUST BE SAD
SHE GAVE A NON CHALANT NOD

I GAVE HER THE EXTRA BEANIE BABIES

WHEN WE WERE LEAVING
I ASKED IF I COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF US
FOR ME TO KEEP
SHE SAID YES AND WE POSED TOGETHER

SHE STARTED TO WALK AWAY
I DID NOT WANT HER TO GO
I SAID IN BAD HIGH SCHOOL SPANISH
“I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.”

SHE LOOKED CONFUSED
HOLDING THE BEANIE BABIES UP FOR ME TO SEE -
TO REMIND ME - I HAD ALREADY GIVEN HER SOMETHING

I REACHED INTO MY POCKET
AND HANDED HER A SMALL WHITE STONE
THE KIND YOU GET AT NATURE STORES
POLISHED AND INSCRIBED
ON THIS ONE
ONE WORD - LOVE

“QUANDO TU MIRA ES, ENTIENDES TE QUIERRO”
WHEN YOU SEE THIS - KNOW I LOVE YOU

SHE LOOKED AT THE STONE - SMILED
HUGGED ME AND WALKED TOWARDS THE DOOR
SHE STOPPED
AND WITH A LONGING BACKWARD GLANCE
ASKED MY NAME
IT HAD BEEN A WHILE SINCE ANYONE ASKED MY NAME

RO - I TOLD HER
SHE NODDED AND POINTED TO HER CHEST
KASSANDRA - SHE SAID
I NODDED
SHE WALKED AWAY

THAT DAY
I FILLED OUT THER FORMS
TO BECOME A FOSTER PARENT
IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA

STARTED THE PROCESS
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEGUN
LONG AGO

ON THAT DAY
I FORGAVE MYSELF
FOR CRIMES THAT WERE NEVER MY OWN
AND VOWED TO SAVE
AS MANY AS I COULD
AND IN DOING DO
SAVED MYSELF

GAY FOSTER PARENT
ME

4/21/2005

Letterman

my problem with dave
is a guy named rob

so blake was brand new
had to be feb - march
i am guessing

i was hosting
the grammy's or tony's
something on cbs

i was on the phone with les moonves
(the then and still is boss guy)
the afternoon we all learned
dave had ticker trouble

a casual aside to mr moon v
who spoke of his concern
about sweeps w/o dave

if u r stuck for a host
lemme know - i am here
the end

2 days later
rob barnett calls me
the new ep
i liked the old ep - morty

it's always been ed on the couch
and morty by the desk
change is hard

hello rob i said
and off he went
how dare i
try to steal daves gig
by calling les
"you are not a friend of the letterman show - rosie"

i did a lot of umm's
tried the truth
i have a job
i was just trying to help
i was on the phone because of...

"we don't need your help rosie"
click

ok so now
today april 2005
i have been asked again to do dave
but - by now
it's been so long
blake is five

i don't see how i can
i doubt i would be comfy
as the "you are not a friend of the letterman show"
tape would run on a loop
as daves mouth moved
and i heard the charlie brown teacher
waa waa waaa

i would try too hard
i can tell
needy is never funny

my long suffering publicist
tries to explain this
to the new ep
a smart sassy woman
who seems kind and determined
i like that in a gal

mr manners barnett
is no longer standing
in mortys place
but he is still around
running would wide pants ...
what if i see him in the elevator
what if i don't

cindy (lsp) says
i should get over it
not hold a grudge
move on
as if

i like dave
i wonder how he has changed
since his boy arrived
from black and white to color
life
i know he grew a new heart
with harry

4/20/2005

TEXAS

there are over 25 thousand kids
in the texas foster care system
nearly all of them have heterosexual parents

Child Protective Services (CPS) is responsible for promoting the integrity and stability of Texas families; investigating reports of child abuse and neglect; and providing homes and various services for children who cannot safely remain with their own families.

While DPRS attempts to find permanent placements for all of the foster children in its care, it does not always succeed. About 900 Texas foster children in state care “age out” of the system each year, leaving foster care when they become eighteen or upon graduation from high school.

the vast majority of children who "age out" end up in jail or on welfare
stick this in your browser
http://treatyoak.tdprs.state.tx.us:8020/Tare/jsp_public/SearchMain.jsp

these are the faces
of the kids in foster care -
by the thousands
they wait
for a safe place to land

now a bill passes
in the texas house
banning homosexuals
from being foster parents

shame on them
900 kids
leave the lone star states
pathetic and substandard care
without ever having
a home of their own

no parents are better than gay parents
according to moronic REPUBLICAN robert talton
and his partner in hate
fellow gop & nra member
suzanna hupp

i met her
ms hupp
shook her hand
during the million mom march
told her i was sorry for her loss
her pain unimaginable

both of suzannas parents were shot dead
during the lubys massacre
as she lay helpless beside them
her registed handgun sat
locked in her car
a few yards away

how does one survive that?

i understood when suzanna became
a vocal pro gun lobby gal
how could she not
i imagine she is plagued with - if only

but this bill
this hate filled rhetoric
posing as policy
how can susan
allow this to become her legacy

Eva Thibaudeau, who with her partner of eight years is a licensed foster parent, said she was in shock over the amendment. During the past eight years, she and her partner have adopted four kids and fostered 75 children. "I am just so hurt and surprised, especially now [when] we are facing an ongoing crisis of not having enough resources to take care of foster children," said Thibaudeau, a social worker.

are any of those who voted
foster parents
have they looked into the eyes of these lost children
before deciding to limit their options
of being found

righty / lefty
hazel / blue
gay / straight
tall / short

wake up people
kids die in foster care daily in america
the whole system needs to be overhauled
kicking the queers
who are ready willing and able to help
is absurd

4/19/2005

pope joni

Theres a new pope - who cares
Not me
Really
I feel more connected to survivor
Then the catholic church

My irish babysitter
She hates the word nanny
And so do I
As she is nothing like juliette mills

My baby sitter friend
She - was consumed by the whole spectacle

Growing up in Belfast in the 70's
She's a good catholic girl
No matter how she disagrees with the church
He was the pope after all
So she watched the funeral at 4 am
Then took a nap by the pool at 4 pm

So today they got a new one
He has a name I cannot spell
I am gonna call him pope b

Last night on cnn
Americans waiting in the piscillica
Wen't ballistic with joy
When they saw the first tuft of white smoke
Only to be devastated moments later
When the grey arose
All on camera

“White flags of winter chimneys
Waving truce against the moon
In the mirrors of a modern bank
From the windows of my hotel room”

I feel about joni mitchell
the way some do about the pope
Joni is as close to the source
As one can get

Her words guide me
The soundtrack of my soul
There is nothing I can ever say
Or express
That she has not already
With a brilliance that blinds

If there was a joni church
I would apply to be a bishop
I can quote her like some do Leviticus
She makes more sense
2 me

Go buy dreamland
Get all her cds if you can
The lastest are spectacular
The violins alone
Magical

This computer capitalizes things
I wish it wouldn't
It uses apostrophes too
And underlines each mistake
Talk about buzz kill
Makes one afraid to try even
Ya know ?
Capital y

After re reading this blog
I feel warner books was correct
About passing on this mess
It is too disjointed
And confusing
Like a radio on scan

Off I go
Tangent here - tangent there
Sometimes I can't even follow it
And I have a map

Soon I am gonna have blue links
In these missives
So if u go get it on amazon
Some money of it goes to charity
How cool is that

Its almost 5 - Tuesday
My pre simon nausea
Is beginning
That show reminds me of star seach
Which I was on in 1984
With a david Cassidy haircut
And hefty bag full of dreams

“Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
And still be on my feet”

4/18/2005

rogue waves

the most amazing thing i have seen
since moulin rouge
star wars meets the matrix
magical transformative
ka

i walked into the casino lobby
heard a shrill scream
a sound i had never heard before
blood curdling - desperate
i thought it was a wounded animal
then i saw her

she was 3 - maybe 4
curled up next to a tall
shiny gold ash try

"mommy" she wailed
an ache so raw

six feet away
a man who is not paying any attention
a teen - disinterested and sullen
i thought she was alone

are you the dad i ask
kneeling down next to her
yea he says - all of 24
i try to talk to the child
who has stopped screaming
but is still curled
fetal position

i call her name quietly
as the dad tries to explain
to her trembling back
that i am on tv
she is shivering

where is the mother i ask
trying to quell my rage
it's her birthday
she's playing slots
he says
can u sign this?
handing me the ripped top
off his marboro lights

we go to dinner
i have kobe beef
he was on my show
as a high school all american
a shy boy
his mom was with him
kobe beef

into ka we go
the set alone is worth the ticket price
feels like you are on another planet
inside the thunderdome
waterworld

this cirque de soleil guy
he is van gogh
right here and now
crazy gifted
visionary

ten minutes in
the woman behind me
started singng
perfect pitch
i wanted to turn and look at her
but was afraid she would stop

then i realized
there are speakers in the seats

ok transition

so the norwegian dawn
the boat we chartered last year
for r family vacations
and loved so much
we charted it again
for the crusie this year

that beautiful boat
was hit by a 70 foot rogue wave
yesterday

noone was seriously hurt
but all were scared shitless no doubt
kel worried this would make people scared
to come on our trip this july

i laughed
cause i thought just the opposite
a 70 foot rogue wave
thats like lightning striking
freakish and odd
the chance of the dawn
being struck by one again
next to nothing

on the whole
speaking selfishly
the rogue was a plus
for us

the company NCL
has been wonderful to us
in every way
the staff - the crew
everyone

i heard they offered folks on the boat
1/2 price off another cruise
come on ours!!!!
we will make it up to you
broadway stars nightly
and free stuff daily
and i promise
the piano player
will not play
the theme from titanic

( although that did make me laugh)

and as an aside
bette and tina
together agaun
at last

MARAVEL

ms maravel – a twenty something beautiful
almost hippie math teacher
who was engaged to mr pic -
the band teacher I loved instantly -

she - ms maravel -
caught me in the hall
without a pass
the third day of seventh grade

“open your locker – take out all the books”
I did – speechless
with arms full she slammed the locker door closed
“next time – detention, now go”
and I did
our first meeting
without even a hello

pat maravel died last week
nearly three decades after our rocky start.
we buried her today.
I sat today in the front row,
where she placed me from the start
inside her family.
a part of, my very own

I was born twice –
once in 1962,
to a woman who left so quickly,
I never got to know her.
I carry her name,
and from the few photos I have,
her face as well

i was born again
in 1975 to pat maravel,
a woman who refused to let go
she forced life back into my soul –
she stood solid and strong –
she showed up –
she stayed

i never got to ask her why she did it.
rescued this lost puppy of a girl,
motherless and starving
nothing special in any way
What did she see in me?

i tested her for years,
not able to trust,
still so broken.
bit I couldn’t shake her
no matter how I tried
and i did
i was her most difficult child,
she always says –
said
past tense
it hurts to breathe

will I ever stop refrencing my mother
i feel like Liza - with a z
here we go again
this old chestnut

when my mom was sick,
I thought if Barbras mom was sick,
she would go on Johnny Carson
and ask people to send a dollar and then would
and she would buy medicine
and her mom would liv
i believed that true
it’s not.
I have the money now,
and my second mom was not saved
there is no magic medicine

“do you think I am dying?”
she asked me in december
“yes” I anwsered
“me too” she said

then after a moment,
“ro, this is going to be very hard for you”
i laughed as i cried, telling her
“i could not love you more – I will look after the two you pushed out.”
she put on her glasses to get one last look
held me face in her hands
and said “now go”
i did

god has a sense of humor
she gave me two mothers
both die of breast cancer
both times I am devastated beyond words

pat maravel taught me about mothering freedom and family.
about tolerance, activism and compassion
she showed me how to live, how to love, how to give back
she had strong opinions with an open mind
and a will to live that defied doctors rules

I watched myself on 20/20
talking about parenting
i realized just today
I sounded like pat
the way I speak to my children
is the way she spoke to me

when she was dying –
almost too ill to talk
i brought an 8x10 of the kids
for her to see
she smiled with the parts of her face
that still worked

i put it on top of the dresser
in plain view – near the window
after an hour of only one word replys
i got up to go

she stared at me hard
wanting to say something
i could tell
she nodded toward the picture

“the photo pat?”
yes she nodded
i took it down and brought it to her
all emotional and dramatic
“did you want to see the kids pat?”
she rolled her eyes at me and said
no - window
then laughed

my picture was blocking her view
of the birds and trees
i got it – cracked up
then retold it to Joy, Dolores and Jessie
in front of her
she laughed every time
her closing joke

i miss her a lot
now especially
when I feel so much like myself
again


Barbara Walters asked me if my mom
would be proud of me

she was –
her name was pat maravel
she told me so

4/16/2005

sneakers

we went shopping for sneakers
at the beverly connection
a mini mall in the heart of hollywood

the selection is something to behold
an entire wall of singles
unmatched all facing right
in ocd perfect order
hundreds of bright clean nike swoops
and bouncy red rebooks

one pair for me – size nine –
slip on velcro strapped
white n yellow weave
i love them

kel was looking for slides
two pairs she choose
then worried she was spending too much money
the threat of a multi million dollar law suit
makes one frugal

so i tell all i will meet them by the cashier
off i go
the aisle is long – the store huge
i see the dad first
he is walking toward me
fifty maybe older –
a gleandale fire fighter hat on his head
a t shirt – unfashionable and worn
the man stood out in beverly hills –
he looked like he was from nebraska
he spoke first

“how you doing buddy?” he said smiling
to someone he obviously loved
i heard the answer
before i saw the face it came from
“I am so happy!”
a boy of fourteen – an adorable richie cunningham
his face flush with excitement –
running to his father
“they have my size on sale!!!!”

i passed –
not looking at them –
trying to give them privacy –
yet longing to watch how it played out –
this intimate exchange –
this real moment in the town of tinsel

i took note – spingle – ping –
pure – yes - thank you

at the cashier kel payed
as i looked at the revolving rack of sunglasses
behind me at the customer service counter
I heard
“it is blue with a zipper and orange piping”
the pain in his voice obvious
the red headed boy lost his wallet
i felt my heart crack

the father went looking for it
the happy boy from ten minutes ago
was now a distraught mini man
he looked my way –
i asked where he last had it
he told me – in a quivering voice
he wasn’t sure

this boy did not recognize me

his wallet – had 50 dollars in it
plus a tower records gift certificate
he had gotten for his birthday

putting out my hand to shake his –
i handed him a hundred
the way mobsters do movies
folded up tiny
i snuck it into his palm
before he knew it was happening
happy birthday i said
and walked away

the urge to stay –
attached to the result – was huge
but i did not
i walked out of the store –
knowing in that twenty minute period
i was both the giver and receiver

the vessel – the soul –
the dark and the light –
both things and all
at once

god is real
i have always known this

three weeks later
my agent calls
quincy jones wants to talk to me
why I asked
she didn’t know but assumed –
as did i
it was work related

i called mr jones
he knew the red haired boy
and wanted to find the wallet woman
who looked a lot like me

six degress of kevin bacon
me richie q u

13 hearts

i lost
but it was fun

kels still sleeping
which has only happened twice
in the last 7 yrs
not counting after viv came
when her body was recovering
from the primal push

i am trying to refrain
from devouring the mini bar
snickers and mnm's
breakfast of champions

phil gordon is strikingly handsome
and gigantor the space age robot tall
he's got the most unbelievable
blue eyes
i enjoy phil gordon

he gave us a lesson
b4 we entered the ring
it was quite confusing
to math challanged moi
something about percentages
which is fractions
so my brain shut off

he asked how many hearts were left
during one fake hand
felt like algerba

a bus leaves utah
at 4 15
traveling 31 miles an hour
another bus leaves miami
at noon
traveling 23 miles an hour
how many leftys on board

there r 13 hearts he told me
i believed him
he is 34 and single
if i still had a show
i would do a find phil a wife segment
truly a charming guy

i returned to yoga last week
felt like coming home
relax - be still
breathe

4/15/2005

poker

in vegas
about to play celeb poker
i am not very good
with real money
but on pokerroom.com
i am a champ
i always have to be the little old woman
who holds her purse
on the table
it takes me a while
to find her free
her appeal is universal
apparently

as for the banned
i am not sure how or y
we are trying r best
basically if u are rude
crude & out to maim
out u go

if u post under different names
but with the same address
they find u anyway
big brother 4 sure
there is no real anonymity
in the blog zone
careful
they are dusting for prints
as i type

law and order - intetnet division
da daaaaam
this fall on nbc

i invite dissent
really i do
just say it with style
succint and 2 the point
make em hear you

the space limit
i asked for 50 words
they decided 200 characters -
my brain started listing
mickey spidey phil and lil
daffy goofy bugs fred

i try to read em all
the fun is in the links
off 2 visit ur world
from the safety of my own

they are waiting down there
in the poker room
i am nervous
which is odd as it is not live
and only a game
and 4 charity 2 boot
yet still
i feel like a kid
on open mike night

later - i will let u know how it went
although
i am not at liberty to discuss the outcome
however.......
i suck at secrets

seacrest out

tummy ladies

i never saw her face
I have one photo - blurry and worn
I have stared at it often
trying to feel her

now that kelli has a baby in her tummy
chelsea has freed her mind and mouth
released in the guise of sisterly curiousity
the underside

when she was three,
she told me, she remembered,
when she was a tiny baby –
my skin was very brown

no, i explained
my skin has always been doughy white
but the woman took care of you
the one who was there everyday
doing the things i chose to miss
she did have brown skin

work – sure
but in the end - ultimately
i chose not to participate
i did not mother my baby girl
busy - i was busy

we met when she was almost two
having split open her mouth in the kitchen –
she was handed to me bloody
like all births –
there were tears and trauma,
terror and responsibility.
and then, there she was
an us

well, hello
i think we are suppossed to do this together.
sorry i am so late

mia was brown too
she went missing as well
now tanya, going away to
chels had it down

“ tanya is studying to be a talking doctor, and isn’t going to be a nanny anymore. but if tanya and anthony have a baby, it will have brown skin. because the baby i saw in the mall, had brown skin and the mommy did too. so tanya’s baby will have brown skin, and i will be the nanny for the baby.”

once the flood gates opened
there is no stopping her
she has many questions
she gathers facts

“ i think kellis baby will have beige skin like kelli right?”
yes.
“so my tummy lady - the one who grew me in her tummy - she had this skin like me.”

i nodded
knowing how upsetting it was for her to realize,
she was always going to have boring beige skin
never the bourbon brown kind she adores

“same eyes, like me, blue, the tummy lady, right?”

yes chels, right

“did i come with anything? cause i remember a necklace when i was a tiny baby that lady gave me. I came with a necklace right mama”

no chelsea,
you did not come with a necklace
but you did have a stuffed toy
you came with a binky
and a cute little pink outfit
i have all of it in the safe
and when you are bigger
you can have it all

“what kind of a safe? with a key or numbers?”

i had no idea,
i can’t even tell you what room it is in
key- i said
trying to sound sure and solid

“a small key? a small silver key? can i see it? where do you keep it? what happens if you lose it?”
and on and on and on

well chels – no worries
i have the whole thing under control
it is safe with me
i will have it for you when you want it – ok?

“do you have a picture of the tummy lady in the safe?”

my daughter is not yet 5
unending emotional access

“yes i do chelsea, she is very beautiful, like you.”

she leans back on her pillow and smiles
catches her reflection in the mirror above her desk,
she poses, wide eyed, working her shoulders,
and throws her head back - laughing.
like rita hayward, or zsa zsa gabor
on a red carpet way back when

now she is gone
lost inside herself
performing in the mirror
off somewhere for a full two minutes
when she returns,
she sees I have been watching her
she is caught but not ashamed
she laughs

“why do tummy ladys sell their babies”

that one hits be in the heart
I explain selling is the wrong word

“but you told me most tummy ladies
are too poor to keep a baby”

i did tell her that
as poverty is the main reason women
place their kids into anothers arms and care

your tummy lady wasn’t ready to be a mommy
she was too young
not yet able to care for herself
she wanted you chels
but she couldn’t give u
all u deserve
your tummy lady is very brave

“she must be sad mama
cause she is poor and she misses me”

i am sure she is chels
I am sure she does miss you

silence
then she changes the subject
something about parker
and a frog they found near the river
I half listen and think

she didn’t sell you chels –
she gave me the gift of you
and I am so happy she did
she wanted you in a happy home
she couldn’t give you that
she knew what you deserved
she wanted so much 4 u

“can we have a family meeting tonight
about the frog thing
cause we wanna keep him
in a shoe box”

family meeting yes
frog in a box - I’m not sure
no promises

how I love my eldest daughter
an angel girl
her brilliant brain never stops
it will all fall into place
for her - I know
time understanding and compassion
and finally healing

the journey is the destination
so said dan eldon
he was right

4/14/2005

write now

how come when i want to go to a blue link name
at the bottom of a post
it brings me back to blogger home page
and not to someone's blog

how come some peoples blogs
have comments but no way for me to post
how come computers are so confusing

i posted my first blog in decemeber
then couldnt find my way back to it
for 3 months
nobody used to read it
till

i am at the computer typing
write now

money & yellow

i know why michael moore screams
because he must

michael moore & marshall mathers
both won oscars
because the art they made
was pure yellow
real and true

those in the audience
hollywood elite
voted for these two men
outcasts misfits
for to deny the yellow
would be artictic suicide

no one knows where yellow comes from
how to make it is big business
but not a science
there is no sure fire way to create it
it arrives like magic
uncontrollable
real true and brutally honest

joni mitchell is my yellow
bruce springsteen –
cyndi lauper
i have been soaking in them lately

yellow with my kids
yellow with parker always
the boy who first handed me my own piece
in human form – himself
a blaze of bright yellow –
warming my formerly frozen core
parker

life is meant to be tough
full of obstacles that slow us down
forcing us to stay look and see

to climb is the reason we were born
into flesh form –
from the cloudy spirit world
to conquer the hills we have yet to
without an incline
our journey would be just a dull walk

fame stole my yellow

broadway shows
the never fail yellow station
"fill her up - high test"
as the orchestra tuned up
yellow –
glorious life altering –
soul fuel
pulsing yellow yes
always on broadway

in year three
it went missing
from my opening nights –
the attention on me
ruined it somehow
something was different
i was not alone in the velvet seat
a small part of the whole
i became part of the show–
people watched me watching
threw off the balance
it changed everything

the joy
walking in nyc - gone
finding the perfect cotton gap pull over
on the sale rack - none there
the beach – ruined
all of it’s there places had failed me
my yellow was officially missing

truth
your truth
what is it
and how much can you compromise
before it goes

i told the truth on my show –
year one and year two
enough to allow the yellow
it was there –
the show was a hit
yellow sells

my dreams of barbra and tommy
i believed in their yellow –
guaranteed goosebumps
i felt it in them
still do

here i was an unlikey winner
a fat irish gal from ny –
invited into the palace ball
real life cinderella
the public responded
yellow yellow everywhere

i was canonized the queen of nice
a misnomer 4 sure
you can develop a taste for worship.
soon as you do –
the yellow fades

yellow comes from living –
constantly working
makes creating impossible
what could i share with others –
when my truths
were becoming more and more unreal
i fell in love with kel
big yellow –
a life changing level of love

ok i reasoned with myself
i won't tell - but i won't hide
kel came places with me
the press knew - it was printed
but i never commented
it was ok for me
for a while

but the yellow we had together –
lost something by never being let out
truth - my truth
i had to go
return to myself
with maybe enough time
to detox my family
to get us all back to the yellow

last year i got a check
for 42 million dollars
i never see my money ever
i live with my atm card
600 bucks at a time

so this check arrives
at the money guys on a tuesday –
on thursday my agent asks how it felt –
to get a 42 million dollar check
i told her i didn't know i had
this upset her
she measures in money

i ask kel –
who does the money stuff –
thank god –
if i did get a 42 million dollar check
she said - without missing a beat
" yes but after taxes and commissions ...."

ok now there is something wrong here
many things in fact
first off - no one person
should ever get a check
for 42 million dollars –
it's absurd - obscene
and if that person
is not even aware that it arrived
some kind of altered reality happening

42 fucking million dollars
with taxes and commissions
only 24 million –
not too bad for a thursday
whose life is this?

so michael moore wins –
and up he goes in his sears polyester suit
in a size no one in hollywood
would ever allow themselves to be
he looked surprised - mikey did
the kid from the chess club
invited to the homecoming dance
wow
and then he did it
he opened his mouth
and actually said the words
he spoke the revolution
he told his truth
and they –
the ones who are not nearly as brave as he –
those clad in million dollar jewels
and almost believable lies
boo-ed him

fame forces you to be afraid –
to be removed from who you are –
alone in your dark private screening room
feeling michael moores yellow –
but too scared to admit in public
that it lives there

why did i leave my show –
it took my yellow
i wanted it back
without it i can’t live –
the gray kills me

"you cannot arbitrarily say to yourself, i will now continue my life as it was before this thing, success, happened to me. But once you fully apprehend the vacuity of a life without struggle you are equipped with the basic means of salvation"
tennesee williams

4/13/2005

rich man poor man

i love the news cafe
tiny and trendy
yet real enough
2 survive the smell of tourism

susan is visiting
she needs a gift for her in- laws
an ash tray maybe a tacky frame
with MIAMI in day glo pink

i am lost in the sweatshirt corner
looking for a double XL –
even though the XL looks huge
to me it is never big enough
unless it says double XL.
and i wonder why i never seem able to lose weight
don’t fuck with me
i am a double XL

i walk into the tiny back room
i bet it was a walk in closet at one time.
there are floor to ceiling racks of magazines
a tiny dark brown bamboo love seat
a tiny table sits in front of it
i saw him come in
watched as he sat down
quickly

he is in his early 20’s.
he is handsome, homeless
and i think schitzophrenick
i am totally intrigued
captivated

susan and kel are 30 feet away
looking at towels
they slowly make their way into the space that holds me and the beautiful boy/man

i know his look would scare some
not me
i want to get right next to him
but i wait

he speaks finally
a whisper almost - a wish
“hi rosie” - he mumbles
his eyes move quickly around the room
not landing on me - ever
i turn toward him slowly
“hi - what’s your name?”
i ask extending my hand

he stares at it – then takes it
“michael...michael” - he says
and becomes distracted
i wait till me comes back
he does
“why did you shrink your hands?”
he asks, perplexed
i hold his eyes
“they are not shrunk, i am a woman, my hands are smaller then yours. hold yours up, i will show you”
he does and i do

he nods
but i do not think he understands
to him – it is obvious
i have shrunken hands
he sees my scar
traces it with his finger
“are you good with a sword - like dragons and castles?”

i wonder when he stepped off
decided medication
was hurting more then helping
when did he believe
he was well enough to go without
did he tell anyone he stopped
or did he just slip away
right before their eyes

“no i have never used a sword. i have never seen a dragon. are you on meds michael?”

he answered without thinking
rattled them off - i caught only a few klonopin, attavan and something- adol
he put his hand through his dirty brown mane and cracked his neck
i imagined him well
clean with a choppy hair cut
new abercrombie and fitch clothes
he could model
this boy with the sky blue eyes

i ask if he needs any money
“no i have money in my pocket”
“do you need anything michael?”
shakes his head smiling - then not
“nothing - are you on vacation now?”
no, i tell him i live in miami
as I am speaking
he gets up and walks away

i find my kel by the t shirts
i settle for an XL,
as there are no double xl’s
in all of Miami
i need a double XL
in black
it is slimming

we pay and leave and there he is
by the curb
smoking a cigarette
he nods at me
i nod back
i take the black t shirt from my bag and throw it to him
“i did not pay for this” he confesses
“i did, it’s for you”
he stares at me for a minute.
then says “rosie, you’re crazy.”
i laugh, yes michael, i know

the new tim daly show - eyes
is great
the guy from rich man poor man
plays the villain
triple love it

comments are back
as ping pong alone is no fun
at all

I met with a super blogger
computer god today
together we hope
to kick it up a notch
photos and flickr
who knew this would be such fun

4/12/2005

idol

ok constatine
that's a movie
this rock star kid
who went to b way
and it felt ok
so he jumped
blindly off faith cliff
how bad could it be
really
american idol
hey it's ok

remember when he told his band he was going
my handsome hero constintine was ridiculed
but on he went

remember episode one
he was chosen out of the line
as one of the maybe you are going's
and he dodged the bullet

a daughter to the left
a sister to the right

right b4 he was saved
safe
i saw in his eyes
no fucking way
this cannot be the end

it wasn't
constintine
who looked kinda high
rocked the room

how bout that
i loved it

first time i saw that scotty guy
i said to kelli
he's a felon
last week in people mag
his mug shot

he shocked me tonight
i almost didn't believe it was live
it was
simon saying to vonzell
i was thinking about which black girl
would go first
as if the two of them
in the finals
was out of the question
he's an asshole

i wanna do rosie's broadway idol
all kids from the chorus
people u don't know
one after another
screaming sondheim
in the mask with vibrato
god's word signed
in the key of yellow

hold on
here we go

4/10/2005

december 2002

my new daughter is not yet 2 weeks old
sleep has eluded me for a dozen days
linda ellerbee – newswoman – breast cancer survivor
and all around good guy
called to tell me her daughter had just gone into labor
in seattle –
could i – would i -
emcee the ny women in film & television event
in ny in her place
i thought no but said yes cause she is linda ellerbee
and so it goes

four women were being honored,
three whom i knew
i was to introduce them and be witty
i was
i spoke about my new child – kel giving birth
my wanting for an epidural during her delivery
i was funny - after 20 years of stand up
u can tell when it works

stand up is a challange
take what you observe
your truth
and make it universally understood
this is much easier when you are unknown
fame is odd
i have been at both ends of the fame game –
adored and abhored
hard to know which one is more toxic
currently i am not loved - but loathed

i left my show because i was done
i had climbed to the top of this illusive mountain
watched my millions - admired for my dedication
my focus my vision
i got there and looked around and guess what –
it is not as it seems
i expected something different –
something more... well
a kind of peace
the feeling i got while watching funny girl
it lived there - on the top of fame hill – or so i thought

i begged barbra to come on my show
she resisted - but then
in a personal hand written note
one i have framed
she warned me when we met - it would all be over
my thing for her - my dream
no i assurred her, it would not –
for i was a devoted barbra lover -
had been always
i would not falter in my adoration
as she was it – the keeper of the light
she was what lived at the very top of the mount
her and those like her –
something i would always strive to be

barbra was right and wrong
personally she exceeded my expectations in every way
but everything did change for me
a huge shift of perspective
the illussion of celebrity –
the distorted importance i placed on talent
the seperation of me - us and them
my world order had been shaken up
earthquakes n explosions - the lights dimmed
a vacant space lay where hollywood heaven had been

so i started rebuliding
the scaffolding is now in place
i pick my kids up from school each afternoon
pure joy - baby brain confessions from bubble gum lips

“you know mama i think i am in love with jenna”
my son said to the back of my head
how so i asked
"it’s like there is a magnet in my hand,
and one in hers
they just go together - our hands
like magnets – do you think that is love?”
yes parker, i do

i missed six septembers thru junes
chose to speak to strangers over the air waves
instead of my own children in the back seat

the afternoon pick up is at 3:15 –
i arrive before 3
parking is a challange – a huge one
as i have had a car and driver for the last 6 years
i am not quite the parallel parker i once was
i need two car legnths to get in and even then
i end up at an angle – the left side sticking out waiting to be hit
it is a sad scene

there are two spaces directly across from the school
no parking zones -
as another school has their entrance there
the spaces on either side of their driveway need to be empty
there are painted white strips on the pavement and a no parking sign

if i arrive at 3 and there are no double empty’s available –
i slide into one of these two easy to manuver spots –
trying to inch up as far as i can –
to give those leaving the other school some room
but make no mistake – i am in the no parking zone

in october the crossing guard told me i was in a no parking zone
“ yea, i know” i said kindly - taking no offense
i did know it was a no parking zone -
but that meant nothing to me

in november she told me i was going to get a ticket
"no problem” i said smiling
thinking how much could it cost? any fine would be worth it –
i walked on as the crossing guard nodded

so now it is december - the moms have gotten used to me
they kid me about my ugly car and my constantly paint stained clothes
they pass on recipies and advice on where to get the latest hot toy
i have made the transition – here at my kids school
back into almost normalcy

this time the crossing guard got her guts up
“ro you will get towed if you continue to park there.”
i stopped and looked at her face – she was concerned
she looked like my eigth grade algebra teacher,
trying to make me understand something i never would
"i will pay the ticket” i told her flatly
again she told me i would be towed –
i just did not really get it
so slowly, and with more patience then i have ever had she said
"it is illegal to park there rosie – you cannot park there “

the lights and sirens went off – bells and whistles rang
it clicked like algebra never did
there was no getting out of this – there were no exceptions
no special rules
i could not park there - that was that
it took me four months to understand

that’s why winona ryder stole that stuff from sacks
for too many years she could
i assume she started taking clothes years ago –
back when she was the it girl
with oscar nominations and famous handsome fiances
when her movies were making millions for many –
agents publicists covered her ass – i am sure
winona was allowed to steal - enabled
by those who knew there was more juice in the orange
anything to keep it flowing
she took – because she felt she could
and she was right – right up until they day she was arressted

i don’t know winona at all
she had been on my show – but that is 15 minutes
with the lights blaring and the cameras rolling –
there is no reality there – just illusion and promotion
but what i imagine –
is that winona reached the top and thought
"oh my god – this cannot be it”

winona horowitz - a jewish girl from northern california
who became a commodity too young –
a boundryless existence that every star has -
and came to realize it was all a charade
oscar nominated – hyper famous – the girl other girls wanted to be
who got swept away in the tidal wave of maddness –
celebrity in america

if winona rider was starring the the new james bond film –
we never would have heard about her stealing

celebrities are not people but commodities
shaped buffed molded and sold
humanity is not valued – image alone is
evolution and growth are frowned upon
you should stay that thing that they bought forever
gratitude and humility are all that is required

fine for products – not for people

so i do the women in film lunchen –
and i serve this up as my act –
my life – the view from where i now sit
people laugh –" a breath of fresh air...blah blah"
but - of course it turns ugly press wise
for the role i now play in society is that of traitor
i abandoned the throne of worship –
i walked away

what is real - what is not
you decide
moment by moment

4/08/2005

20/20 in 20

i’m about to be on 20 /20
we were bumped last week
because of terri schiavo
or the pope
so now - in a matter of moments
me – us - ta dah !!!

I am sadly comforted by the fact
that we are following a story of
a heterosexual marriage
that ended in murder
perhaps making our gay life
a tad more palatable

I am forced to re evaluate
my kirstie alley comments
after seeing the teaser...
i am big and old and look
like i need a nap
watching myself is torture

I weigh the same as I did
when the show was on
but somehow
from where I sit now
next to kelli and without a desk
it’s shocking the way
i resemble my fathers sisters

i have to go back to lucille roberts
or stop doing interviews

I love jane fonda
a standing o on dave
how bout that
she glows
I’m half way thru her book
my life so far
a must read for gals everywhere
feminist - sister/friend
wonder woman
bravo

4/06/2005

nightline

ted koppel is my hero
first defying the government ban
on showing faces of the dead
our kids all - gone forever
sent to die
by baby bush

now tonight - finally
the wounded ones
bodies ripped - minds ravaged
the truth of this insane "war"
for thirty minutes

limbless shattered
broken and brave
these amazing young americans
anwsered the call to duty
unlike the man who sent them to war
they served our nation

walter reed army medical center
filled to capacity
you have to see it to believe it
show us - please
the extent of the sacrifice
the cost of the lie
charred flesh
scorched souls

wmd
will many die
when men decieve
war means death

life liberty and the pursuit of happiness
guaranteed by the boys in philly
one hot summer - 200 plus years ago
we also were instructed what to do
should anyone try to take away those three
unalienable rights

whenever any form of government
becomes destructive of these ends
it is the right of the people
to alter or abolish it
and to institute new government

dan rather gone
tom brokaw done
peter jennings sick
ted kopple quitting

i'm starting to lose hope
courage comes from experience
who will slay the dragons
show the truth

public outrage spurned on
by free press images
of human suffering
ended viet nam
show us

bush was booed by the masses
in st peters yesterday
hardly makes news
in america

PREGNANT pause

my publicist is in a rage
on the LIE
someone thought
having only glanced
that my last post implied
i am preggers

reading comprehension?

in geometry
the only math class i passed
one had to agree with the givens
two parallel lines cut by a transversal
alternate interior angles formed are congruant

i am not pregnant
these are not poems
this is the book celebrity detox
i decided to blog it instead of publish
as warners felt my missives too cryptic
and well unworthy

so i gave em the money back
and googled blogger
the comments were such fun
till the bugs attacked
and i turned em off
as raid is deadly
for all

so now - today - some givens
i have 4 children
the youngest is vivi - she is 2
i am 43
the pope has died
i have a rock star in my swimming pool
who looks like eminem

life is good

making vivi

i buy fourteen pregnancy tests
the names amuse me
first alert - early response
something serious is happening

“that’s a lot of pregnancy tests,”
says the cashier – a lost osborne
blue hair and a nose ring
yes - I say smiling
but they are on sale

she stares – all goth
unimpressed or ignoring my celebrity
“throwing in a snickers for luck…
(dramatic pause) rosie”
a wink
i love teenagers


five days since insemination
yesterday I turned forty
today - a bold red plus
nothing tentative
an addition - absolutely


here we go - a new baby
born by christmas
smelling of heaven – peace – god
no matter what form she arrives in
single or twin - boy or girl
she carries with her a lesson for me
about serenity and surrender
safety and falling
faith and doubt –
work and love
she will show me
and I her
how to build a new self
or an old self now lost
bit by bit – day by day
my job is to show up
here we go