*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

3/31/2005

waffle house

in a large booth next to me
two children and an old man
tired and well-worn
his yellowed fingers hold a cigarette
with an impossibly long ash

he has greasy hair and a vacant look
i find eerily familiar
the boy is five - the girl about ten
she is chubby with a mom-did-it haircut

she sees me - looks away - then at me
then away again
i watch her feet swinging back and forth
not reaching the floor
she tries unsuccessfully
to get the old man’s attention
she never will

the waitress comes over
her name tag says Doris
she looks about seventy years old
her face has seen too many days
of sun and cigarettes

she takes my order
a waffle well done – and cold milk

people are turning towards my booth
thinking - that I look a little like me
then convincing themselves
it could not possibly be

the image of celebrity
is inconsistent with the “truth” of celebrity life

why would I be in a waffle house
in sweatpants, a ripped t-shirt
slept-in hair and no make-up

i am here to get a waffle
i hear my name whispered behind me
people assume i am deaf
i hear ya

a few minutes later,
a woman in a Publix green cashier vest,
and her hunky husband walk in
the booth comes alive
both kids now jump up
cheers of “Mommy! Daddy!”

after hugs and kisses they sit down for breakfast
the mother looks at me and smiles,
a glimmer of recognition,
but doubt wins out

her daughter says,
“mama, it’s rosie ”.
the mother smiles,
glances my way again,
and shushes her

doris brings over my waffle
the first bite is heaven
all hail the house
i want a maple syrup iv

i quietly ask doris for my check,
and for the publix moms too
she nods, hands me both
without asking why

back on the road again
i try to figure out the why
me - so compelled
no choice really

gifts are so rarely for the recipient,
so often for the giver

i remember sitting at the IHOP
after she died
watching my dad smoke and stare into space
consumed with what had become of his life
he had died too – it was plain to see
me - swinging my legs back and forth

i drive away from the Waffle House
sun on my face and tears on my cheek
i drive away from 1973
from myself - without even a hello

3/29/2005

amazing race

the cute brothers with the bandanas
just flipped the jeep
my adorable gay boys
alex and lynn stop
of course

as rob and amber drive on
“i hope the aren’t hurt”
he says - which is sincere
i believe
but the concept of stopping – no way
don’t be ridiculous

i love them
i cant help it - i do
he is every boy in high school
i had a secret crush on
scary quiet almost men in
black t shirts and ripped jeans
rob

and the sweet old couple
good god – she fell in that well hell
come on – it ain’t fear factor
you almost killed a camera man
and nana gretchen

remember jenny jones
the contender
you can go too far

i think mr cochran
knew oj did it -
as so few murderers own
bruno magli shoes

hard to live with
i imagine

send

trials

see this man - marky h
has been summoned by the king
will he serve without thought -
will he fight no matter the cost -
is marky houser buyable ?

yes screamed the crowd
enthusiastic and proud
yes he nodded
not quite convinced

i found out
the moment he finished his questions
about the letter - i knew
no one owned marky h

he - a man - a stranger
privy to my creepiest corners
he has seen my twisted mind
guided only by some mad yellow truth
purging via keyboard - demons of the night

he knows - marky does
the parts i am most ashamed of
wrinkles - warts and cracks
he has seen inside

so he has me
i have been prepared warned
my guys - the good guys - who are all girls
made sure i was ready

in his hand the letter
i will forever call spousal privledge
although i name no personal e mails to kel
this one shall scream its name in bold
before anyone gets to see it

THIS WAS NEVER MEANT FOR YOU
YOU ARE READING THIS
BECAUSE I AM GAY
AND THEREFORE DO NOT HAVE
SPOUSAL PRIVLEDGE

"are you familiar with this document ?"
i avoided his eyes - may I read it
to refresh my memory
allowed - i knew

i felt each word as I read
four minutes maybe five
that doesn't seem long
but stop - now - look at your watch
do nothing for the next 5 minutes
now - do nothing

only then did i look at him
i stood before marky houser
naked and vunerable
and do you know what
he did not

now i knew
i felt - i prayed - i believed he wouldn't
but frankly i was starting to doubt
my instincts

allow the yellow

marky chose not to kill
light over dark
the potential of each soul

i saw it
i lived it - i have it on tape
as proof
not all men are alike

emotionally i was done
i cried for the whole weekend
a glorious rain of relief
i have been gone too long
away from myself
from my fear - my shame
from me

there is no get out of life free card
you may choose to sleep
or eat or run or fight
but do any one thing too much
to excess -
to fill up the aching part
only prolongs the procession

a pathetic pause
it doesn't take away the why
just the pain and after a while
not so effectively

if cnn covered our soldiers
our crippled casualities - sons and daughters each
returning from iraq -

1/2 as much as they do terri schiavo
this war would be over

martha beck wrote an amazing book
"leaving the saints"
while expecting adam
the yellow arrived
and they lived happily ever after
thank you - thank you - thank you

kanye west - take em to church
peace

3/23/2005

transcript

"if the true story of northern ireland
during the years of the troubles
ever comes to be truly written
women will have a large part of that story to tell

i can think if thousands of women
throughout northern ireland
who through the darkest days
held their community together

i worked on the peace line in the 80’s and 90’s
it was interesting – ya know
i could cross the peace line
there was some danger but not an awful lot
cause I was considered – as a woman
neither orange or green

so that made work
as a community worker –
relatively easy
to form networks
and news networks are alive and thriving today
as they have never been

we believe that the new politics we are now creating
will incorporate the principals of
Equality - Inclusiveness and Human Rights

we have always said – and continue to say
that human rights and equality
are not a victory
for one group over another

they are the basic requirements
that must form the bedrock of the society
that we are building
a society which - we should feel proud
to be able to fashion for our children

i would like to see women get a more prominent place
in public bodies - in politics in particular
because there are a lot of issues
around children - around equality - around poverty
all the issues women have dealt with
on the ground
for years and years and years
are simply being put on the back burner

we come here today because we believe in
a just america
a good america
a strong america
able to help people here
and all over the world

we see humanity as our family
and we know that we are indeed
our brothers keepers
as a country we must re-claim our heart
and lead with love

we were all betrayed
by those citing the reasons for invading iraq
that shifted like desert sands

we were betrayed
by this administration that went against
the international community and called
millions protesting - a focus group

we were betrayed by a president
who on may 1st
landed on a photogenic air craft carrier
decked out with “mission accomplished”
and more of our troops have died since then

betrayed by an administration that allows our loved ones
to be occupiers – securing safety for
halliburton and bechtell to reap billions

betrayed by an administration that sought
to cut combat pay - as our president was saying
“BRING EM ON” to the armed iraqi resistance

there’s a lot of people saying
that for some unknown reason
I have some how become the mother of this movement
I didn’t choose this journey
but I am dammed well gonna make sure
my son did not die in vain
and if I am able
with the strength of my child
to touch the core that lives within you
we will take america back
because it does belong to us”


MOMS UNITE FOR PEACE WORLD WIDE
video at rosie.com

3/22/2005

toronto

my tubby toe dips in
testing
a joke - a blog
how much is too much

at the airport - a young dad
holding a screaming baby
6 or 8 months i guessed
watching her yell

kel said don't

i see 3 moms stop
ask if he needs help
no he says
as she throws her head back
she is crazed - he is confident

ro - kel whispers again
the ticket woman says it
"doesn't he have a binky"
and off we go
talking about not knowing if we should
but wanting to
so

a male security guard stops
do you need a nurse he asks
the kid had some lungs
no again

moms think they know better

i go
kel looks away
how does she put up with me
hi i say tentatively
he nods
are you ok i ask him
yes he says
i have four kids
he nods again
ok - i go

wishing i hadn't

so we r at r gate
reading anne lamott's newest
plan b
amazing as always

i see a mom with a stroller
it's the same baby
almost asleep
she says hi first
a relief

we talk as moms do
she is a nurse
who had just come back from antarctica
an ice station
she was gone for 2 1/2 weeks
dad took care of the baby
alone
while she was away

i shared my angst
about trying to "help"
her hubby
she said she would have too
i love women

as we boarded r plane
he came over
dad - introduced himself
i love men

waiting to board
a handsome hulk
in a wheelchair
car accident - dead from the chest down
his will to live - i asked
his mom he said
pushing him - his sassy wife
met 8 yrs ago - 8 yrs after
"i picked him up" she winked

connect always connect

kel has been waiting
she waits a lot - she is better at it then me
at the plane entrance
a newborn in a car seat
beautiful hawaiian looking mom
he's stunning i say
thanks she says no smile
how old i ask - 3 months
she turns away

kel over heard her
b4 i got there
that woman hates rosie o'donnell
she is sure

seated a bunch of brown baby beauties pass
12 - 9 - 5
"look it's the beautiful family"
they laugh - kids get it
mom was away
a pilot in viet nam
dad lead them down the aisle
laughing and proud

comments r gone
poof - b4 the blog
became a drog
4 me

full disclosure -
i spell checked antarctica

the crusie

I knew it had to be a big boat. It had to have a strong engine to take us where we wanted to go, into new territory. It had to have an engine that thrummed, a handsome prow, and dark wood decking. It had to have a swimming pool with water peacock blue. It had to have portholes rimmed with mahogany. There had to be a high black railing over which you could lean, down, down, down, beneath you the sea, chock full of starfish and crab. We sailed on this sea, the first “gay family cruise” we pulled out of port on a Sunday, our spirits high, the ship’s flag snapping smartly in the breeze.

I had just come from making a movie. I’d been away filming for five weeks, a movie directed by Angelica Huston. A fun filled crew, and amazing role to play - artistic bliss. I’d come straight from the plane, to this ship, my hair a mess, permed and burned and red neck mullet-esq.

There were 1600 people waiting to board the ship. The line was half a mile long. I stood on the doc, holding Viv, because Kel was already on the ship, had been for hours, preparing. Ususally she would be the one to hold Viv. Viv always chooses Kel, and although it hurts my feelings a little, I know it’s my turn to be second. So I am.

But on the boat, the whole notion of second, or first, or third, fell away. There was a certain freedom. Right from the start it felt special. We felt like discoverers, explorers, seeing what lay on the other side of the horizen. We knew, all of us, that family has a wider meaning than most thought. Families are adventures, conglomerates held together not only by blood, but by desire, by common humanity. Mostly, we wanted to sail on the high seas, and decalre ourselves – here we are – and see how our presence might change the landscape we all live on together.

The cruise was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. It was truly magical – in the way Disneyworld promises, but isn’t. As soon as I stepped onboard, I knew I was home, and it had taken me a long long time to get here. There had been many mountains and missed paths. But I was indisputibly here now, with my whole extended family, my tribe.


I heard the groan of the boat as it pulled away from the port, and then we were out in the water. I looked up to see the bottom of the Brooklyn bridge. Later, I saw a dolphin swimming alone, like a man in a serious suit. But mostly what I saw were the people, my people, an equisite photograph even as they moved. I saw two buff boys in speedos smearing sunscreen like mayo on their tiny newborn. I saw women holding hands, and dark babies on bright white laps. I saw a child who was albino, her hair like floss, her eyes pure points of pink that reached up and grabbed my soul. I saw two newly wed women snuggling their brood of four, each from their own exotic land. Like the UN or a Benneton ad.

When we pulled into the Bahamas we were greeted by a sad gaggle of protestors, holding mis spelled placards of ignorance and shame. Claiming god was theirs and we were not worthy. I made me sad, and shocked still, to see people who thought our connection was bad, immoral. We are falling through space alone. TS Elliot said “connect, only connect,” and he was right.

One day, We anchored in the middle of the warm waxy ocean, beauty and babies all around. In the water I was weightless, I felt free.

My best friends Jeannie and Jackie were there. They’re not gay. Jeannie is pregnant; Jackie’s got four kids of her own. At one point we were all sitting in my fifty by fifty foot bedroom, and the chair beneath pregnant Jeanie broke; it cracked and split and we laughed; we couldn’t stop. We laughed until tears came out of our eyes and our faces were sweaty and red, and I thought I would pee my pants. I squeezed my thighs as tightly as a could then shoved my hand between my legs as if – to stop that tiny trickle of tinkle. Yes I am now officially at the age where I need a depends. Get me laughing and I am leaking. Enough said. Jeannie. Jackie. They are childhood friends and with them I am absolutely utterly myself, tear streaked and red faced, huffing and squeezing.

I care about families. I care about kids. I don’t care who or what they are, just that they live with dignity. Gay and straight. Big and small.
On the last day of the cruise two Long Island women with big hair and accents came up to me. “Listen Rosie,” they said. “We have to tell you something.”
“What?” I said, and they leaned towards me.
“We didn’t come on this cruise ‘cause we were gay. We became because we’re fat, and we knew on this ship, no one would make fun of us by the pool. Next year, we’re bringing our husbands and kids. This was the best trip of our friggin lives.”
And then they went away. I felt a tightness in my throat, salt, the sea air, grief and gladness together. Grief that there can be so much hate inside us and outside us, gladness that even in the midst of that we can find a way to travel together.

was that easier to follow
the way u r used to
commas and capitals
puncuated paragraphs
sweetly spell checked

these are not poems
she said again
to no one at all

3/21/2005

birthday

just now
flowers from my tommy
here - in real life

pure yellow man
now always still

kelli

kelli n I went 2 mexico
early in her pregnancy
practice for my new life -
early retirement - married with kids

I hate vacations
to vacate - to go empty - that's what that means
we're going to a gorgeous resort
beautiful and perfect
dread - guilt - shame
I have no idea what I'll do there

we arrive - a panic attack
sweating - worried - tapping my right foot
i tell Kel that we have to leave
now - go home
relax ro - she says - breathe
I try - as she connects the computer

we go to the beach
sunglasses - too much light
after an hour - a staff member appears
"phone call" he says -
I look over at Kel
it has happened - no doubt
finally - the other shoe

kel walks into the hotel lobby
I wait on the beach
it takes her six minutes to come back
I know this because I do one Mississippi
slowly and I count

finally I see her - she is avoiding my eyes
crisis - i know it - epic
life as we have known it - is over

I will scream, pound my chest,
try to drown myself in the sea
as soon as she gives me the news

no eye contact yet - still
she can't even look at me
my heart's about to explode
this moment stretches to eternity
kel sits down, closes her eyes

WHAT!!!!!! - I scream at her.
what what - she says calmly
the phone - I grunt
“just my mom”
then she picks up her book
and resumes reading

I watch her - brains and beauty
unaware of all I have just been through
she reads, Kelli, my happy - non neurotic wife
my salvation - my life

i thank god for her - daily

3/20/2005

annie

sorrow floats – that’s what he wrote
john irving –– hotel new Hampshire
two words one sentence
i never forgot it

i found out
yellow floats as well
half empty half full

painting now
i get covered daily – everywhere
yellow has been in heavy rotation
as is black and deep blue
but when i get in the tub
only yellow - hope
rises to the top time after time

i look for black –
scrubbing the calf i saw it on earlier
there deep in the dark bubbly beyond
nothing
just yellow - always yellow
floating on the surface
refusing to give up

soon after my show ended
i saw annie lennox in concert
bare her latest – beyond brilliant
if she had a blog
folks would tell her to cheer up as well

the apollo theater in harlem
she was amazing
i stood – as did all - all except him –
the small man with the wide glasses
busy scribbling notes
a reviewer

“ get up” i said smiling
stranger to stranger –
feel this

“dont tell me what to do rosie o’donnell – I don’t have to listen to you - only my wife tells me what to do”

she was standing next to him
moving to annie
she rolled her eyes

“hey relax dude – it’s all good”

and after the show
the wife gives me a note apologizing for her hubby –
telling me she had survived breast cancer
thanking me

on the way out we chatted
woman to woman
the cancer zone has no celebrity meter
so there we were – the 3 of us
waiting in the rush to get out
the husband had calmed
laughingly said it was his testosterone –
I nodded
men are a mystery

real life moments are coming back – slowly
walks to town – spin art – a movie in bed
pick up at school

chelsea announced in the car yesterday

“i really hope you don’t die until i am a grown up –
cause I don’t know how to do everything yet.”

yes i told her –
my open angel of a girl – i hoped so too
i will be here when you are grown chelsea –
i will be nana to your babies.

“i am not having any babies in my tummy –
i am having brown babies and horses”

she knows what she knows – my daughter
tomorrow I am 43
still feels like borrowed time

3/17/2005

3.17.05

listening to mo
today being
surviving daughter day
the end and beginning
of everything 4 me

no blog today
i thought
this am
mourning still

the phone
kirstie w/ hurt feelings
i am sorry
4 that

but not the joke
the comment
the truth
about myself
at 220 - now

stand up
that feeling
like rap i imagine
spittin it - yellow

only the truth is funny

never been joan
kickin people when they are down
too ez - not me
u r not the target

once skinny u
cannot imagine fat sex
ouch - that hurts
even with the giggle

feels like u r visiting
planet fattie
temporary visa
pointing at us

we are very sensitive
it's not about u
kirstie -
u r a funny beauty
still - always

and on a side note
the best thing about blogging
is not having to call your publicist
to talk to people
no interpreters
direct me

out it flows
on dead mommy day
quicker then a ray of light

3/16/2005

the L word

i am addicted
and somehow I got the mother load in the mail
the entire second season of the L word
In a pink cardboard three fold

my first instinct was to hide it
keep it all for myself
sad really
hoarding

bette has just screwed a stranger
drunk in ny
one time....... ok – well
she had a tool belt
its understandable
once (for tv)

but now
check please
tina walks
with el nina

i miss marina
jenny w/ shane is gonna rock
and new carmen
is scary hot

sunday night
appointment tv
4 r family
unless I give in

should I watch
see if alice gets her
lil martina
now or later

hating the scary man
with the camera
in the guest house
I will wait (shoulda kept tim)

my pal jane
sober 12 yrs
absolute sits in her freezer
still there? I ask
always - she smiles

newsweek wed 2:05

newsweek just credited me
as the author of sire of sorrow
a joni mitchell classic
as if

do you think the reporter
actually read the blog
did he try even
is it a he

there are quotes on that one
too
then
joni (bow)

see She wrote that part (in quotes..)

i was showing - how joni knows
about fame - about how my blog name
came 2 b
oy vey

it's no fun if you have to explain it
to be clear I never wrote

"once i was blessed
i was awaited like the rain
like eyes for the blind
like feet for the lame
kings heard my words
and sought out my company
but now the janitors at shadowland
flick their broom at me "

She did
all art flows thru joni mitchell

bulls eye

yes some of these essays are old
if it says tomorrow is thanksgiving
and i left my show a year ago
figure it was 03

may 22 2002
was the last one
been out 3 yrs
no parole violations

if you have a comment
make it good
unsigned posts - hardly worth the read
say it - in a way that sings
or stings
whatever you please

now eve piqued me
bulls eye painting...
interesting
not targets - just talk
it's me who gets the worst
in my act
always
still

the money thing
trying to keep it real
perspective skewed
as mine is

i remember not enough
for the stuff we needed
brown bag luggage
semi total food shopping

money = easier yes
agreed - a lot
but there is no magic pill
my futile point

disneyworld is not the happiest place on earth
and my whole childhood
was spent wishing for it
greener grass

kay sa rar

heres the best thing about blogs
dont read it if you hate me
do not click in
find someone better
there are millions
read their blog

it's free right
and relativly inaccessable
if it annoys you
stop - simple

or post
like eve
something cryptic and clever
with an A thats cleaver

and sign your name
sign your name

hip hop started out in the heart
now everybodys trying to cop

lauryn hill (bow)

3/15/2005

dyslexia

ok this is bad
i am trying to come up with something happy
not because i am not - happy
i am
in fact i have never been happier

really how sad you can go
direct proportion to how happy u can be
and sometimes are
more times then most
lately

i did a dyslexia benefit last night
i mis read the invite and ended up on the wrong floor
true and mildly funny

i did a womens health initiatative benefit also
phyliss newman
sister - friend
rallying her gals
i loved it

last night
i said everything i already have
here in this blog
but out loud - on broadway
kirstie alley and jewish phone a friends
it was fun

stand up is like surfing
you have to drop in
and risk it
stay loose but focused

the rush
i curse too much
cause i am scared
i am not as good as i was

takes hard work
to get a new hour
to make it count
to say something
that matters

like kirstie alley not peaking at 201

it needs to be said
holler at ya fatties!!
lets picket - protest
we'll meet at wendys

it's all good

peace

st pattys

I changed the front rosie page
It’s me and my mom
Photos overlayed
The exact same pose
We
On st pattys she will be 32 years gone
I can just barely recall
the contours of her face


#####################################


This next one
Is from a book I wrote but decided not to publish
Celebrity detox was/is the title

I am getting paid 2 million dollars for this book. That’s a lot of money – Lauren slater – the un known and un named one who is the brains behind my first book. She turns a scrap of bread into a four course meal. And without her there never would have been
“find me”.

I called her up. I did.
Out of the blue ––
Lauren Slater –
who wrote books that spoke directly to me –
a poet who’s yellow is blinding beautiful
well this was my chance I thought –
the magazine - she will be the literary weight
she is how I want to write
I can learn from her
I dialed

she has never heard of me –
her kitchen is noisy and her mother is there –
but I knew from her books that the mom was a nut case
why was she at the home of Lauren Slater –
a woman I had never met
yet was sure would never have her mom in the kitchen

Somehow it worked.
I trusted and she did – and push pull –
I was right – I get her – she gets me.
Her crazy is familiar and welcoming
with her I am not alone.

She has one currency
truth – the most important one.
She needs to bathe more
I need to lose some weight.

Anyway Lauren doesn’t think I should tell you about the money -
cause you reading the book -
do not now - nor will you ever be paid 2 million dollars for anything –
and it will come off sounding cocky or arrogant.
It is an unreal life I lead.

Eminem would rap it.
Cause he writes what he lives –
faults acknowledged – irony cherished.

I am rich.
Richer then I ever thought I could be.
it feels odd
It makes my life so much easier in every practical way –
but it doesn’t change anything.

And I can hear it
“screw you bitch
I would gladly trade places
You think it is tough
And blah blah bah “

But folks – if I was you
and not me - I would want to know
From someone who has been there n back

you have it better – you do

It has been one year since my show ended –
I went to goosetown day school fair and ran the button booth –
and I was the field trip mother at the children’s museum with my 5 yr old –
and I know I have it as good as it gets.
So much help.
When I have had enough I go into my studio and paint. I do
For hours sometimes

When they write their books
“MOREMAMA DEAREST”
There will be a whole section about my daily absences from their life

I told kelli last week that the reason I became this successful –
I now think -
was cause I knew it was the only way I could parent.
With everything at my disposal –
I wanted ziplock bags - dixie riddle cups and lava lamps.
or I couldn’t do it.
I am not that brave.

So I left my show.
I was offered 50 million to stay
unreal
everyone told me I was being an ass –
except kelli

And my life is better.
And my best friend is still Jackie and always will be.
I am happier then I have ever been. I am adjusting
I talk too loud in a group –
I cannot parallel park -
I try to control things I shouldn’t -
I worry.

Celebrity is a drug
It is held up as the answer and never turns out to be.
ask joni – ask marshall

peace

miami mark

so i drove alone
to eckerds
miami is home
always was

I see him
vibrating – one eye slower to track
not quite lazy but mis wired
I am in a convertible
and I feel his stare
as I pull up

he walks over as I say half aloud
here we go

his name is mark
And he is 33
He shakes my hand
He tells me he is homeless
Been so for a month

On meds I ask
Yes he lists them
And what else…
Crack he says

Tomorrow is thanksgiving

Can I do him a favor and call his mom?
His girlfriend has left him for a woman
No I say as I hand him 10 dollars
But now - you can

But it would mean so much coming from me
Yes I tell him – too much

I go into eckerds
I buy three nerf balls for the kids
our house looks empty
during the law suit darkness
I thought I could live without it
I cant –this home is heaven
Our nerf balls were soggy

He is waiting for me when I come out
This 33 yr old homeless handsome man named mark
And his friend runs up
Drunk and sunburned
Meathead meets brian Wilson
Shit - he says and drops his plastic bag
It is you baby
A hug
And I do

You know rosie – you came out ok in that lawsuit
I followed that
You were like hey fuck you
Right
You said hey fuck you

Yes I did

And his face beams
Like a dad on a little league field
As the ball flies over the fence

Mark knows nothing of what he is saying
He has not followed the case
He is confused
“she won’t call my mom” he tells him
nodding at me

“but I gave him money to call”
I say too desperately

A boundry
I wanted to scream
Did you see that – I just did it
No I cannot get involved mark
No
I have too much
I can’t be your tether

The beach boy asks how much money
Mark shows him the ten
“that’s my girl” brian bellows smiling
as he opens my car door

I get in
out of the rear view window I watch
They get smaller – waving – happy
And over

Maybe it is a new day

3/14/2005

married again

Judge says California can't ban gay marriage
By HOWARD MINTZ
San Jose Mercury News

A San Francisco judge on Monday declared California's ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional, the first such ruling in the state's history and the first in a legal battle that is now destined for the appellate courts.
Superior Court Judge Richard Kramer concluded that it violates equal-protection rights of gay and lesbian couples to deny them the right to marry, making him one of a number of judges around the country to recently strike down laws forbidding same-sex unions. The judge ruled in a case brought by a dozen gay couples seeking the right to marry, as well as San Francisco city officials and civil rights groups who've challenged existing state law.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

how about that?
we have been un-annulled
feels nice
now get ready

cause all we r gonna hear about are
"activist" judges
anyone who doesnt agree with g
is an activist judge
who can't be trusted

3 branches of government
judicial iz one
check and balance boys
dems da rules

will gw have the class of eisenhower
who did not deride earl warren
the big chief - ike said
"there must be no second class citizens in our country"

and we moved forward as a nation

everybody breathe

BOSTON

the comments
well it's hard to read them
impossible not to
pesky pandora

first off thanks for looking
worry not though
i am not sad
these are not poems

michael jackson in his pj's made me cry
why has mario quit american idol?
the shick intuition razor is the best invention
since the tampon multi-pack

i went to sommerville this weekend - a suburb of boston
to raise money for the public elementary school
they need books - in a public school - in america
it does not make the news

stories of teachers buying chalk and paper
out of their un-imaginably small salary
students sharing desks - text books
here in america - democracy

we are force feeding this ideal
to the world via violence
with a cooperating corporate mass media
as nixons crimes pale to white
in comparison

we impeached him

i am waiting for my 20 something
woodward and bernstein
to make their way to the surface
and claim their place in history

in todays world dan rather gets fired
for his attack on g's character
his mistake - he thought the fax was real
out he goes - traitor

we live in dangerous times
when our childrens childrens
will ask us
"what was it like then - when democracy almost died"

and i will tell them of the heros
who were smart and brave enough
how they worked together
how they saved our country
from itself



solo luminus - erasure

missing

the last time we spoke about anything sean penn was in iraq
she was outraged - couldn’t believe him … “who does he think he is going over there”
i took a breath looked up and said
“i think he is brave, i wish i had his courage, to say with whatever fame you may posses –NO WAR!”
that was the end of the conversation

well a year had past since sean won the oscar -
we are even father apart
a few months back she asked if i saw the passion of the christ -
she used the full title
yes I told her - I did
what did I think , she asked

“it was kinda boring and too bloody - braveheart was a better film"

she loved it - the most overwhelming 3 hours of her life
she did not think it was anti semetic at all
she thought mel gibson was brave for making it

brave - hmmm
was she looking for a fight? testing the water?
i asked about the comments attributed to mels father
that the holocaust never happened
she answered with
“ well he is old and they rang his door bell and it was taken out of context.”
I said nothing

trying for civility – wish for a moment of something
i told her my kids missed hers
“oh yea” she said
yea - i said
her turn for nothing

“you do realize i got married?” i asked
although we spoke since my very public wedding
her only comment was
“so how was san francisco?”
lovely this time of year
endless nothing

we hung up

that night I saw angela shelton on 48 hours
angry – incested - out going - beautiful - insane
she showed the underbelly – the gross ugly parts
the sin and the shame – regret and pain
she called for others from her tribe
they all showed up - howling

now her movie – searching for angela shelton is brave
but mel – christ – safe easy
not so brave

i have questions i am not allowed to ask
as birthdays go un noticed
stinging every time

she is gone
i never thought it could happen

i saw a documentary about siamese twins in ireland
beautiful little toddlers
their cells intertwined
the parents made the decision to separate them

one died - the other recovered
and spent the rest of her life
looking over her left shoulder
for the one who used to be
part of her

3/12/2005

blogging vf

NOT OFFERED FOR THE TRUTH 2002

so judith newman writes a shitty article about me for vanity fair
she feels – I imagine - guilty for doing so –
as it sucked totally - full of nothing

so as the trial ends and we await
judge gammermans decision

her need to apologize gets the better of her
she e mails me

i wrote another essay about her
an essay very much like this one
and when I got sued
they copied my hard drive
and used all essays like this one
as evidence
of...........

there it was - in one of these
i described judith newman as a "nerdy jewish woman"
which she is

g&j thought they had a slam dunk
anti semite cancer curser – hip hip horray !!!!!!

by the time I got to my deposition
I knew where they were going
kel had had hers and
warned me

you are not supposed to talk about your deposition
to anyone
but you do

so when I sit down face to face with him
in my depo - I tell him
marty - the nebbishy jewish below average lawyer
before we start – I say hey

“listen my kid had a briss - on the 8th day -
performed by a moyle - I buried his foreskin in the backyard”

this is no joke
stunned silence
he does not quite know what to do with me

i also tell him
as I am clipping on the microphone
that the woman in “find me” is real
we went on vacation together
she does exist

free-bees-4-marty
then we start

so judith e mails
after the trial ends
but before the judge decides if they owe me money
or I them
the money thing
it fucks people up – always

she says something like
“ i may be a nerdy jewish gal –
but i told you they would sue you …
wanna have lunch – I don’t welch on a bet”

that was what the e-mail said
a fact – I still have it – somewhere
the truth – judith felt bad

so I e-mailed back
something short and witty
“but judith you don’t tell the truth”
send
and an reply zipped along cyber sapce back
how I lied under oath…

‘cancer curser ‘

during my deposition I was asked
if lying causes cancer
no I said –
but truly it isn’t a yes or no question
it is – like life – complex and intertwined
mental spiritual and physical health
all strands of a french braid

did I lie when I told marty I don’t think lying causes cancer
no – not to me – if that were a "real" fact
we would all be dead

but on the whole – do I think being a good person
knowing your teammates - playing fair
loyal to a t -
increases your chance for health
yes I do

I didn’t respond to judith newmans last e mail
full of how hard it was for her to write the vanity fair piece
how much she worked...... blah blah blah
judith newman - she also told the ny post
that I did not like people with cancer or jews

remember that next time you read one of her celeb profiles

I forgive you judith newman
as she swears she doesn’t want it
yea - send

3/11/2005

b4u

vivi

according to my books
just about now your spine is finishing its formation
you have, holding you up, a bony string of pearls
but they're not pearls viv they're stronger than that
i've looked into - it concerns me -
the fact that it concerns me concerns me

here is what you need to know
bone is harder than diamond
and left in the earth it can take over ten thousand years to decay
as for the spine itself, its not one bone but six hundred leggo-ish pieces
that snap together and are padded with plush cartiedge

we developed spines - as a species
when we walked out of the water
you are a land animal - vivi

without our spines we would sag
with them - we are exactly as high as a human should be
an intact spine has six times the strength of steel
remember that - viv
always

mama

after da press

" Once I was blessed; I was awaited like the rain
Like eyes for the blind, like feet for the lame
Kings heard my words, and they sought out my company
But now the janitors of Shadowland flick their brooms at me
Oh you tireless watcher! What have I done to you?
that you make everything I dread and everything I fear come true?"

joni ( all bow)

thats where the title of this blog came from
once adored
sire of sorrow played
for a year solid in my studio
she saved me - joni

marshall too

"Everything could have been so perfect
But life ain't a fairytale, I'm about to be hoist up in the air
Forty feet below me, there's people everywhere
I don't even know what it feel like, they know me cuz I'm in this ferris wheel
And all i wanna do is go to the mall and take hailie on the carousel
Without this crowd everywhere I go, but life is like a merry-go-round
Here we go now, doe see doe now, curtains up, the show must go now
Ring around the rosie, the shows over, you can all go home now
But the curtain just don't close for me, this ain't how fame is supposed to be
Where's the switch I could just turn off and on, this ain't what I chose to be
So please god, give me the strength to have what it takes to carry on
Till I pass 50 back the baton, the camera's on, my soul is gone"

i love that guy

so we had a blog crisis yesterday
and this afternoon
friends who care
trying to sheild me from the haters
went 2 battle 4 me
i am against war

i love our warriors
soldiers trying
in hell
bring them home
leave syria and iran alone

so it got crazy there
but we have righted the ship
i think
onward folks
this way

painter

curious g
it is me
yellow tex
back in the swamp
knowing you are long gone

as it should be
still - though
feeling it all
as i again
venture out - this time
a path more true
one you showed me
back when I knew only doubt

and now what is it
i want - she asks
my puzzle piece perfection
wondering if the click she heard
was real - it is
two peoples we

nothing and everything
a thank you
a how are you
now is now
remember
then

and maybe none of the above
no happy ending
no reprise at all
a missing muse
one so glorious - so pure

too long ago
you and me - never a we
but the pull - the knowing
the yes I felt
still feel
in the wilderness

i am screaming
begging
wishing
wanting
to know you now
again and always

3/09/2005

lauren

fake name is my shrink
after columbine I needed meds
and got em
from her
whom I love

she is tiny – size two
amy irving jewish beautiful
she has kids in high school – I know cause they call
and she takes the call during my session
which I love
hold on - she says to me – no matter what
and I get to watch her mother her child

to me - it sets things right
she is a mom first - then mine
true real
no bull shit

yes- by all means adjust her life vest
tenderly quickly – she knows - the kid
by moms clipped words
someone is there
asking for help
someone who also feels they are drowning
yet the kid knows
her mom will always pick up the phone for her
no matter what
that’s why I love my shrink

after I “came out” as a depression sufferer
I was asked to speak at many a mental health seminar
already overwhelmed - very busy saving the world – I said yes
a suicide prevention dinner
I was unprepaired

marriot marquee
lois walks me in thru the kitchen –
I felt like elvis presley – a head of state
a great fake important me

I greet every person I pass
shake any outstretched hand
speak my tiny spanish
we are the same – you in here serving
and them/us/me out there eating

I walked into the banquet hall–
the stage was at the far end
no way but thru
so many souls to pass

hands with photos – faces of the ones gone
pain loss and regret
thick as syrup
pleading eyes broken souls
some asked to hug me
some stood head down
shoulders shaking

the spot light hit me
as my name was announced
awarded for admitting I was depressed
speak - I heard inside
softly

my words I cannot recall
but tears rolled as they flew out
how do we save the ones who want to give up ?
one at a time and with as much patience as possible

my shrink was there
having seen me live from sept 99
to here – today - standing up –
telling others
take the medication
grab anything to stay afloat
I swear to you there will be days better then this

and to you - the devastated left
know they tried as hard as they could
but the bottom beast is strong and seductive
they loved you

I am done and she walks towards me
my shrink – my savior
comes over and hugs me
introduces me to her husband
then goes back to her seat

touched and true
my shrink has taught me
boundries provide security
they can actually help
make the rules fit you

insanity and creativity
2 sides 1 coin

rest in peace spaulding gray

oNe woman

oNe woman -the dodger stage

zimbawe
toni childs union
screens on monitors
some large some small
all hold the same image
photos or art work or newspaper headlines
war

I am in black - dance - move - interpret the song
images in back of me
pertaining to the “point - focus “ of the song
war

barbra kinney photos
and dancers join
also in black
mothers

next

a taboo number
screen footage from the doc
quick cuts
me and george fighting
raul's rant
putting it together
to il'adore

then

the magazine court case
sire of sorrow - joni mitchell
full orchestra
screen - headlines papparazzi photos
nancy grace whispering
“she could very well (pause - look down) lose everything” (cartoon eyes)


on stage yoga stuff
staying centered
removing the large t shirt
a yoga tart
one fat girls don't wear often enough

finally

birthing viv
shawn colvin - i don't know why
screens - family
and yellow and audio kanye west mix
take em to church

and…blackout

art

are they for sale
not yet - we cant figure it out
art for good
take it all

here's the short version
i started on canvas after 9/11
newspapers photos tissue tears
ripped up by me
glued into place
painted over

then just paint

then p town
6 months after tv
saw a painting at a tiny gallery
that moved me
i never bought a piece of art b4
the guy in the place said it was 6000 dollars
and even though i am rich
it seemed insane

"now mazda has a truck for just fifty seven ninety five ---saints alive"

looked at kel
she said go on
but... well....i wasn't sure
i asked the man if it was titled
cause i never name mine
and he said 9/12

spingle
i bought it
met the artist and his mom
both familiar
known almost

the canvas would not fit on our car
so mother and son said they would deliver it
the perks of fame - a week later
they arrived with left over hot wings
perfection

so the mom asks what i am gonna do with all the paintings
there in my first garage studio
i told her to take em
to sell em if she could
to give my profits to charity
she did
it worked well

then fame came it
and it got all nuts
my only rule was
i wont go to my openings
i went to four
torture

so i got em all back
1600 canvas sit
in a storage unit
with a padlock
around the block

i spoke to the mom recently
the son no longer painting
ahh life
i took 9/12 off the wall
and started chipping at it
layer upon layer
wood foam plastic
glued stuck together

i put on the black album
loud as it goes
when it finished
i was done

left under more paint
then i have ever used ever
was bright yellow

gregg's heart
i call it - it's not for sale

and now again
this lil blog thing

david karr from the ny times
a paper i have only just started to read

asks me
is it you - the blog
and howard
and my trial
and it all churns over and over

what do you want to let it
it is a choice we make
moment 2 moment

keep it real
the only rule

delete forever

in the interest of truth
i have removed
6 posts
from folks with charming names
and thoughful remarks
ranging from
"YOU SUCK FAT PIG DYKE" to
"HEY BIG HEAD - YOU ARE SO FAT"

i clicked and poof ---
you are gone but not forgotten
your words resonated and were felt
you hate me
stranger
hear ya - loud and clear
feel ya - i got it boys

now go in peace
knowing i know

i suck - in your world
noted

stay away from the dark side luke

3/08/2005

STERN

george o'dowd
wrote a new book
i am cast as a villian
a pottery barn lesbian
not quite gay enough

my knighted gay brother
called to tell me
we laughed
georgie boy .... unreachable

fame is fun again

i love the super nanny
this could be englands most vital export
a beautiful bundle of brains and braun
teaching US the basics of child raising

i wish they left the camera on 4 real
when she checks the dvd to see
how the family is doing without her
4 real

she should go to washington next
put condie rice in the naughty chair
she scares me condi
i expect her to unzip her skin
and have dick cheneys twin brother step out laughing -
like on scooby doo
"on my god - that voo-doo man/monster is really the owner of this abandoned amusement park!"
we been punked

howard stern reads this blog
that may not seem odd to u - but it is to me
now i want it to be brilliant
howie and marshall did all the heavy lifting
back in november
big props

almost did it
won in my mind
as the bad guys cheated - cause they can

i turned off comments after i heard
fearing his 17 yr old angry boys
of my high school days
calling me names

"fat head bla blooey lesbo freak dyke"
yes - got it
guilty

not quite freaky enough for the boy - however
i was 1980 student council president
hi ho hi ho - off 2 the mall i go

i am thinking about going back on tv
how when with who
details....

3/07/2005

ka

she is chatting with larry
she still giggles like a skinny girl
someone should tell her fat gals
can't pull it off

she told matt
she started at 201
losing weight isnt difficult for her
she has lost 20 lbs
so far
she says
jenny craig is easy

i fear a train wreck
the zeal of the almost converted

i know no one with the kind of papparazzi hell she describes
not even madonna
and she's elvis

20 minutes and counting
fat actress
hmmm
i bet i hate it

"fat sex is when your attention would be on your fattness instead of who you are with"
"billionaires don't want fat girls"

the worst part of being fat - again she lost 20 lbs , she says
she lost her agility and the
first class seats were suddenly so small

POP

was is it with scientologists?

ok she owed money to the irs
and this is her hail mary
i will try to cheer her on
as if she were
a friend

3 of my four kids are up screaming
later

commack

finally they caught him
the son of sam
i was in high school
scared out of my mind
terrorized by my television
the sniper who stood
next to his kills

my brother danny was dating a woman then
last and only one i think
sharon flood
one of two black families in a high school of thousands
they - danny and sharon
were making out in the volarie

i was fourteen
my mom was dead
my dad on a date with jill
and me and maureen
were watching eddies friends hang out
in our house - where no one was
besides nana

who could not see or hear or move very well
but nana was there
she showed up and stayed
willed - till we were all almost grown
women are so strong

maureen and I were crying
begging danny to leave the car
there in suburbia we screamed
“stop kissing and save your life”

son of sam was caught the next day
on his way to obi - so the legend goes
the very place we ALL were that next night
all of us
every 42 year old in the tri state area

drama is as drama does

his name was david berkowitz
i saw his picture in the paper and was shocked
he looked like someone I went to high school with
a kid with crazy hair and beige clothes
nearly normal

i thought about him all night
and the next day - he was the only
topic discussed

long island - new york -
you are one of 2 things
catholic or jewish
there was one protestant in Commack
jean soul
i thought her an oddity

i cannot tell you how shocking it was to find out
in real life
the jean souls are in charge

so one of the neighbors was babbling
and I listened entranced - mothers
still can have all my attention
mother me and I am yours

“my god - I heard berkowitz and the shame - son of sam a jew? - I thought I would plotz - then I heard it - ADOPTED son. Thank god we don't have to claim him!”

she did not want to carry the shame
the association
unreal and absurd as it was
she did not want son of sam on the list of jews
can you blame her

and that's what I learned as a kid
you are part of something bigger
you represent something when you become a topic of
conversation in America

who claimed you theirs
and would they ever want you off the list
away from them
ashamed

celebrity happens
then it all goes to shit
literally
you have taken a hit off the metaphorical crack pipe
you are done

you start to listen to others instead of yourself
you worry
somehow you will be found out
a fake - unworthy
not quite good enough
… you move further away from yourself

and your image becomes just that
you believe a tv rating means something
so you try to get more points
which really are people
to adore you

cause you had 5.6 million in year one
and if you could only be funny enough now
and tone down the columbine nra shit
and relax ro
just relax

almost three years now
why ? to re claim myself
to find my tribe
I had left them long ago
they know who they are

the ones who grew up loving Julie Andrews
and still do - stuffing their size 20 ass
into size 16 stretch jeans
the moms who try to find the funny
in a life that is too often without
coupon clippers and claustrophobics
bi-polar but afraid to get diagnosed
cause the stigma feels somehow worse
then the disease

straight and gay and in between
we grew up believing there was a wizard
no man behind the curtain

i am not normal
this has always been true
and why you loved me
was I was so like you
the odds of the me from 17 rhonda lane
to the SHE of ROSIE O'DONNELL
one in a google
nothing happens by chance

here is what I think

teachers need to be paid more
the war in iraq is wrong
george bush is a disaster - dangerous for the world
racism exisits and sucks
nurses rock and derserve more respect
too few people have too much of the money
and most of them don't want to share
shocking
to me

i believe in democracy
in freedom
in peace equality and art

choose the light
be claimed
declare yourself
with grace if possible

3/04/2005

BIW

tethered

furious
gale force winds
threatened to snap her lines..
strengthened by her anchors
encouraged by unknowns
she remains
shaken and stirred
as always determined

the resolve evident in her gaze
audible in her silence
present in perseverence
her fierceness
a palatable result of afflictions
sensationalized
serious
scarring

jack hammers unearth the soil;
a bitter bile
reality
difficult to swallow
impossible to ignore

alas, courage forged by fire unfurls
she stands once again
undaunted
fearless
undeterred vision
unobscured heart

the winds
they threatened to shatter and destroy
but she is tethered
to the strong
she remains
aggressive

Bold - Incandescent - Woman

3/02/2005

academy awards

chris rock rocked
hosting is a thankless job
you work for free
for the honor
and you try
to shine

comedy is hard in hollywood

i presented once
1992 - my 30th birthday
it was surreal

best animated short
i considered doing a danny devito joke
but did not

best foreign language short
i memorized the names
uber tison and didiaye flamon for la vise
i said it over and over
a thousand times before that night
executed it flawlessly
then smirked
tiny laugh

i did not go to any parties
i took my huge gift bag
back to the 4 seasons
and investigated my new loot
all of which i left for the maid

gluttoney

and was anorexia at a new high this year
or is my perception off
i have been at the mall for 3 years now
and to me
renee zelweger looked sickly skinny

i saw an amazing documentary about jockeys
how they all starved themselves
how the weight limits were un attainable
rampant disease
a place for them to vomit in the bathroom
specially made

they were expected to hurt themselves to be the best
and many did
it was heartbreaking
after one too many died
they started speaking out
eventually
the weight limits were changed
many lives were saved

does anyone believe kirstie alley is now 183 pounds
why am i so obsessed with this
i am
in hollywood - you can even sell a show about the truth
with a lie
i hope her show is a huge hit and she never loses a pound

my new goal is simple
this will be as large as i get
i am now at my peak
my goal is to gain no more

i think i can do it

and let's hear it for america
yesterday we decided that we would not kill children