*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

4/14/2005

money & yellow

i know why michael moore screams
because he must

michael moore & marshall mathers
both won oscars
because the art they made
was pure yellow
real and true

those in the audience
hollywood elite
voted for these two men
outcasts misfits
for to deny the yellow
would be artictic suicide

no one knows where yellow comes from
how to make it is big business
but not a science
there is no sure fire way to create it
it arrives like magic
uncontrollable
real true and brutally honest

joni mitchell is my yellow
bruce springsteen –
cyndi lauper
i have been soaking in them lately

yellow with my kids
yellow with parker always
the boy who first handed me my own piece
in human form – himself
a blaze of bright yellow –
warming my formerly frozen core
parker

life is meant to be tough
full of obstacles that slow us down
forcing us to stay look and see

to climb is the reason we were born
into flesh form –
from the cloudy spirit world
to conquer the hills we have yet to
without an incline
our journey would be just a dull walk

fame stole my yellow

broadway shows
the never fail yellow station
"fill her up - high test"
as the orchestra tuned up
yellow –
glorious life altering –
soul fuel
pulsing yellow yes
always on broadway

in year three
it went missing
from my opening nights –
the attention on me
ruined it somehow
something was different
i was not alone in the velvet seat
a small part of the whole
i became part of the show–
people watched me watching
threw off the balance
it changed everything

the joy
walking in nyc - gone
finding the perfect cotton gap pull over
on the sale rack - none there
the beach – ruined
all of it’s there places had failed me
my yellow was officially missing

truth
your truth
what is it
and how much can you compromise
before it goes

i told the truth on my show –
year one and year two
enough to allow the yellow
it was there –
the show was a hit
yellow sells

my dreams of barbra and tommy
i believed in their yellow –
guaranteed goosebumps
i felt it in them
still do

here i was an unlikey winner
a fat irish gal from ny –
invited into the palace ball
real life cinderella
the public responded
yellow yellow everywhere

i was canonized the queen of nice
a misnomer 4 sure
you can develop a taste for worship.
soon as you do –
the yellow fades

yellow comes from living –
constantly working
makes creating impossible
what could i share with others –
when my truths
were becoming more and more unreal
i fell in love with kel
big yellow –
a life changing level of love

ok i reasoned with myself
i won't tell - but i won't hide
kel came places with me
the press knew - it was printed
but i never commented
it was ok for me
for a while

but the yellow we had together –
lost something by never being let out
truth - my truth
i had to go
return to myself
with maybe enough time
to detox my family
to get us all back to the yellow

last year i got a check
for 42 million dollars
i never see my money ever
i live with my atm card
600 bucks at a time

so this check arrives
at the money guys on a tuesday –
on thursday my agent asks how it felt –
to get a 42 million dollar check
i told her i didn't know i had
this upset her
she measures in money

i ask kel –
who does the money stuff –
thank god –
if i did get a 42 million dollar check
she said - without missing a beat
" yes but after taxes and commissions ...."

ok now there is something wrong here
many things in fact
first off - no one person
should ever get a check
for 42 million dollars –
it's absurd - obscene
and if that person
is not even aware that it arrived
some kind of altered reality happening

42 fucking million dollars
with taxes and commissions
only 24 million –
not too bad for a thursday
whose life is this?

so michael moore wins –
and up he goes in his sears polyester suit
in a size no one in hollywood
would ever allow themselves to be
he looked surprised - mikey did
the kid from the chess club
invited to the homecoming dance
wow
and then he did it
he opened his mouth
and actually said the words
he spoke the revolution
he told his truth
and they –
the ones who are not nearly as brave as he –
those clad in million dollar jewels
and almost believable lies
boo-ed him

fame forces you to be afraid –
to be removed from who you are –
alone in your dark private screening room
feeling michael moores yellow –
but too scared to admit in public
that it lives there

why did i leave my show –
it took my yellow
i wanted it back
without it i can’t live –
the gray kills me

"you cannot arbitrarily say to yourself, i will now continue my life as it was before this thing, success, happened to me. But once you fully apprehend the vacuity of a life without struggle you are equipped with the basic means of salvation"
tennesee williams