*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

4/18/2005

MARAVEL

ms maravel – a twenty something beautiful
almost hippie math teacher
who was engaged to mr pic -
the band teacher I loved instantly -

she - ms maravel -
caught me in the hall
without a pass
the third day of seventh grade

“open your locker – take out all the books”
I did – speechless
with arms full she slammed the locker door closed
“next time – detention, now go”
and I did
our first meeting
without even a hello

pat maravel died last week
nearly three decades after our rocky start.
we buried her today.
I sat today in the front row,
where she placed me from the start
inside her family.
a part of, my very own

I was born twice –
once in 1962,
to a woman who left so quickly,
I never got to know her.
I carry her name,
and from the few photos I have,
her face as well

i was born again
in 1975 to pat maravel,
a woman who refused to let go
she forced life back into my soul –
she stood solid and strong –
she showed up –
she stayed

i never got to ask her why she did it.
rescued this lost puppy of a girl,
motherless and starving
nothing special in any way
What did she see in me?

i tested her for years,
not able to trust,
still so broken.
bit I couldn’t shake her
no matter how I tried
and i did
i was her most difficult child,
she always says –
said
past tense
it hurts to breathe

will I ever stop refrencing my mother
i feel like Liza - with a z
here we go again
this old chestnut

when my mom was sick,
I thought if Barbras mom was sick,
she would go on Johnny Carson
and ask people to send a dollar and then would
and she would buy medicine
and her mom would liv
i believed that true
it’s not.
I have the money now,
and my second mom was not saved
there is no magic medicine

“do you think I am dying?”
she asked me in december
“yes” I anwsered
“me too” she said

then after a moment,
“ro, this is going to be very hard for you”
i laughed as i cried, telling her
“i could not love you more – I will look after the two you pushed out.”
she put on her glasses to get one last look
held me face in her hands
and said “now go”
i did

god has a sense of humor
she gave me two mothers
both die of breast cancer
both times I am devastated beyond words

pat maravel taught me about mothering freedom and family.
about tolerance, activism and compassion
she showed me how to live, how to love, how to give back
she had strong opinions with an open mind
and a will to live that defied doctors rules

I watched myself on 20/20
talking about parenting
i realized just today
I sounded like pat
the way I speak to my children
is the way she spoke to me

when she was dying –
almost too ill to talk
i brought an 8x10 of the kids
for her to see
she smiled with the parts of her face
that still worked

i put it on top of the dresser
in plain view – near the window
after an hour of only one word replys
i got up to go

she stared at me hard
wanting to say something
i could tell
she nodded toward the picture

“the photo pat?”
yes she nodded
i took it down and brought it to her
all emotional and dramatic
“did you want to see the kids pat?”
she rolled her eyes at me and said
no - window
then laughed

my picture was blocking her view
of the birds and trees
i got it – cracked up
then retold it to Joy, Dolores and Jessie
in front of her
she laughed every time
her closing joke

i miss her a lot
now especially
when I feel so much like myself
again


Barbara Walters asked me if my mom
would be proud of me

she was –
her name was pat maravel
she told me so