*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)



so i just found out
i am gonna be offered
a big money deal
by jenny craig

it must be true
cause i read it in a magazine
a real one with glossy pages
like newsweek - full of facts

apparently kirstie alley
had brokered a deal for me
convincing craig - or jenny
they needed me

oh no
maybe they haven't heard
i am on maintenance
yes - this is it
pretty much
give or take a swing 15

i met jeanu from survivor
on the early show yesterday
i liked her in real life
and on tv
lazing around in the hammock
then quitting when she was done

then on tony danza
i met bryn
the orvelle redenbocker bow tie boy
from the apprentice
love him
he is very short -
which he didn't look on television
and sweet as sweet can be
i loved him in the cab
after being fired
saying he realized
there's no place like home

do you know how donald trump
got his millions?
he father gave it to him

martha stewart
on the other hand
made all her money

ahhh life
carolyn and george
pretty much ARE trump international
there is no wizard

i went to his second wedding
with jason opsahl
my kinecki from grease
i miss him so

he was invited
cause he knew marla
from doing will rogers follies
on broadway
marla is very nice

what is the secret with his hair
i think he had the back part of his scalp
near his neck
removed (like a 2 inch strip)
and then had it sewn on
the crown of his head
so it's kinda growing
only upside down

i prefer the go with gusto
bald look
than the
how the hell is that happening
hair of the donald

then again
he likes his women thin
and in heels
2 each his own

me weenie and jackie
are going to have a sleep over
in our hometown hotel
we will toast to weenie joining me
in the 43 club
jackie will tease us about being old
she joins may 15

we are going to go to all the places we did
when we were 16
and used fake id
to get in

it will be a depends night
i am sure

here's 2 u world