*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

4/10/2005

december 2002

my new daughter is not yet 2 weeks old
sleep has eluded me for a dozen days
linda ellerbee – newswoman – breast cancer survivor
and all around good guy
called to tell me her daughter had just gone into labor
in seattle –
could i – would i -
emcee the ny women in film & television event
in ny in her place
i thought no but said yes cause she is linda ellerbee
and so it goes

four women were being honored,
three whom i knew
i was to introduce them and be witty
i was
i spoke about my new child – kel giving birth
my wanting for an epidural during her delivery
i was funny - after 20 years of stand up
u can tell when it works

stand up is a challange
take what you observe
your truth
and make it universally understood
this is much easier when you are unknown
fame is odd
i have been at both ends of the fame game –
adored and abhored
hard to know which one is more toxic
currently i am not loved - but loathed

i left my show because i was done
i had climbed to the top of this illusive mountain
watched my millions - admired for my dedication
my focus my vision
i got there and looked around and guess what –
it is not as it seems
i expected something different –
something more... well
a kind of peace
the feeling i got while watching funny girl
it lived there - on the top of fame hill – or so i thought

i begged barbra to come on my show
she resisted - but then
in a personal hand written note
one i have framed
she warned me when we met - it would all be over
my thing for her - my dream
no i assurred her, it would not –
for i was a devoted barbra lover -
had been always
i would not falter in my adoration
as she was it – the keeper of the light
she was what lived at the very top of the mount
her and those like her –
something i would always strive to be

barbra was right and wrong
personally she exceeded my expectations in every way
but everything did change for me
a huge shift of perspective
the illussion of celebrity –
the distorted importance i placed on talent
the seperation of me - us and them
my world order had been shaken up
earthquakes n explosions - the lights dimmed
a vacant space lay where hollywood heaven had been

so i started rebuliding
the scaffolding is now in place
i pick my kids up from school each afternoon
pure joy - baby brain confessions from bubble gum lips

“you know mama i think i am in love with jenna”
my son said to the back of my head
how so i asked
"it’s like there is a magnet in my hand,
and one in hers
they just go together - our hands
like magnets – do you think that is love?”
yes parker, i do

i missed six septembers thru junes
chose to speak to strangers over the air waves
instead of my own children in the back seat

the afternoon pick up is at 3:15 –
i arrive before 3
parking is a challange – a huge one
as i have had a car and driver for the last 6 years
i am not quite the parallel parker i once was
i need two car legnths to get in and even then
i end up at an angle – the left side sticking out waiting to be hit
it is a sad scene

there are two spaces directly across from the school
no parking zones -
as another school has their entrance there
the spaces on either side of their driveway need to be empty
there are painted white strips on the pavement and a no parking sign

if i arrive at 3 and there are no double empty’s available –
i slide into one of these two easy to manuver spots –
trying to inch up as far as i can –
to give those leaving the other school some room
but make no mistake – i am in the no parking zone

in october the crossing guard told me i was in a no parking zone
“ yea, i know” i said kindly - taking no offense
i did know it was a no parking zone -
but that meant nothing to me

in november she told me i was going to get a ticket
"no problem” i said smiling
thinking how much could it cost? any fine would be worth it –
i walked on as the crossing guard nodded

so now it is december - the moms have gotten used to me
they kid me about my ugly car and my constantly paint stained clothes
they pass on recipies and advice on where to get the latest hot toy
i have made the transition – here at my kids school
back into almost normalcy

this time the crossing guard got her guts up
“ro you will get towed if you continue to park there.”
i stopped and looked at her face – she was concerned
she looked like my eigth grade algebra teacher,
trying to make me understand something i never would
"i will pay the ticket” i told her flatly
again she told me i would be towed –
i just did not really get it
so slowly, and with more patience then i have ever had she said
"it is illegal to park there rosie – you cannot park there “

the lights and sirens went off – bells and whistles rang
it clicked like algebra never did
there was no getting out of this – there were no exceptions
no special rules
i could not park there - that was that
it took me four months to understand

that’s why winona ryder stole that stuff from sacks
for too many years she could
i assume she started taking clothes years ago –
back when she was the it girl
with oscar nominations and famous handsome fiances
when her movies were making millions for many –
agents publicists covered her ass – i am sure
winona was allowed to steal - enabled
by those who knew there was more juice in the orange
anything to keep it flowing
she took – because she felt she could
and she was right – right up until they day she was arressted

i don’t know winona at all
she had been on my show – but that is 15 minutes
with the lights blaring and the cameras rolling –
there is no reality there – just illusion and promotion
but what i imagine –
is that winona reached the top and thought
"oh my god – this cannot be it”

winona horowitz - a jewish girl from northern california
who became a commodity too young –
a boundryless existence that every star has -
and came to realize it was all a charade
oscar nominated – hyper famous – the girl other girls wanted to be
who got swept away in the tidal wave of maddness –
celebrity in america

if winona rider was starring the the new james bond film –
we never would have heard about her stealing

celebrities are not people but commodities
shaped buffed molded and sold
humanity is not valued – image alone is
evolution and growth are frowned upon
you should stay that thing that they bought forever
gratitude and humility are all that is required

fine for products – not for people

so i do the women in film lunchen –
and i serve this up as my act –
my life – the view from where i now sit
people laugh –" a breath of fresh air...blah blah"
but - of course it turns ugly press wise
for the role i now play in society is that of traitor
i abandoned the throne of worship –
i walked away

what is real - what is not
you decide
moment by moment