*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

3/15/2005

st pattys

I changed the front rosie page
It’s me and my mom
Photos overlayed
The exact same pose
We
On st pattys she will be 32 years gone
I can just barely recall
the contours of her face


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This next one
Is from a book I wrote but decided not to publish
Celebrity detox was/is the title

I am getting paid 2 million dollars for this book. That’s a lot of money – Lauren slater – the un known and un named one who is the brains behind my first book. She turns a scrap of bread into a four course meal. And without her there never would have been
“find me”.

I called her up. I did.
Out of the blue ––
Lauren Slater –
who wrote books that spoke directly to me –
a poet who’s yellow is blinding beautiful
well this was my chance I thought –
the magazine - she will be the literary weight
she is how I want to write
I can learn from her
I dialed

she has never heard of me –
her kitchen is noisy and her mother is there –
but I knew from her books that the mom was a nut case
why was she at the home of Lauren Slater –
a woman I had never met
yet was sure would never have her mom in the kitchen

Somehow it worked.
I trusted and she did – and push pull –
I was right – I get her – she gets me.
Her crazy is familiar and welcoming
with her I am not alone.

She has one currency
truth – the most important one.
She needs to bathe more
I need to lose some weight.

Anyway Lauren doesn’t think I should tell you about the money -
cause you reading the book -
do not now - nor will you ever be paid 2 million dollars for anything –
and it will come off sounding cocky or arrogant.
It is an unreal life I lead.

Eminem would rap it.
Cause he writes what he lives –
faults acknowledged – irony cherished.

I am rich.
Richer then I ever thought I could be.
it feels odd
It makes my life so much easier in every practical way –
but it doesn’t change anything.

And I can hear it
“screw you bitch
I would gladly trade places
You think it is tough
And blah blah bah “

But folks – if I was you
and not me - I would want to know
From someone who has been there n back

you have it better – you do

It has been one year since my show ended –
I went to goosetown day school fair and ran the button booth –
and I was the field trip mother at the children’s museum with my 5 yr old –
and I know I have it as good as it gets.
So much help.
When I have had enough I go into my studio and paint. I do
For hours sometimes

When they write their books
“MOREMAMA DEAREST”
There will be a whole section about my daily absences from their life

I told kelli last week that the reason I became this successful –
I now think -
was cause I knew it was the only way I could parent.
With everything at my disposal –
I wanted ziplock bags - dixie riddle cups and lava lamps.
or I couldn’t do it.
I am not that brave.

So I left my show.
I was offered 50 million to stay
unreal
everyone told me I was being an ass –
except kelli

And my life is better.
And my best friend is still Jackie and always will be.
I am happier then I have ever been. I am adjusting
I talk too loud in a group –
I cannot parallel park -
I try to control things I shouldn’t -
I worry.

Celebrity is a drug
It is held up as the answer and never turns out to be.
ask joni – ask marshall

peace