*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

3/09/2005

lauren

fake name is my shrink
after columbine I needed meds
and got em
from her
whom I love

she is tiny – size two
amy irving jewish beautiful
she has kids in high school – I know cause they call
and she takes the call during my session
which I love
hold on - she says to me – no matter what
and I get to watch her mother her child

to me - it sets things right
she is a mom first - then mine
true real
no bull shit

yes- by all means adjust her life vest
tenderly quickly – she knows - the kid
by moms clipped words
someone is there
asking for help
someone who also feels they are drowning
yet the kid knows
her mom will always pick up the phone for her
no matter what
that’s why I love my shrink

after I “came out” as a depression sufferer
I was asked to speak at many a mental health seminar
already overwhelmed - very busy saving the world – I said yes
a suicide prevention dinner
I was unprepaired

marriot marquee
lois walks me in thru the kitchen –
I felt like elvis presley – a head of state
a great fake important me

I greet every person I pass
shake any outstretched hand
speak my tiny spanish
we are the same – you in here serving
and them/us/me out there eating

I walked into the banquet hall–
the stage was at the far end
no way but thru
so many souls to pass

hands with photos – faces of the ones gone
pain loss and regret
thick as syrup
pleading eyes broken souls
some asked to hug me
some stood head down
shoulders shaking

the spot light hit me
as my name was announced
awarded for admitting I was depressed
speak - I heard inside
softly

my words I cannot recall
but tears rolled as they flew out
how do we save the ones who want to give up ?
one at a time and with as much patience as possible

my shrink was there
having seen me live from sept 99
to here – today - standing up –
telling others
take the medication
grab anything to stay afloat
I swear to you there will be days better then this

and to you - the devastated left
know they tried as hard as they could
but the bottom beast is strong and seductive
they loved you

I am done and she walks towards me
my shrink – my savior
comes over and hugs me
introduces me to her husband
then goes back to her seat

touched and true
my shrink has taught me
boundries provide security
they can actually help
make the rules fit you

insanity and creativity
2 sides 1 coin

rest in peace spaulding gray