*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

3/21/2005

kelli

kelli n I went 2 mexico
early in her pregnancy
practice for my new life -
early retirement - married with kids

I hate vacations
to vacate - to go empty - that's what that means
we're going to a gorgeous resort
beautiful and perfect
dread - guilt - shame
I have no idea what I'll do there

we arrive - a panic attack
sweating - worried - tapping my right foot
i tell Kel that we have to leave
now - go home
relax ro - she says - breathe
I try - as she connects the computer

we go to the beach
sunglasses - too much light
after an hour - a staff member appears
"phone call" he says -
I look over at Kel
it has happened - no doubt
finally - the other shoe

kel walks into the hotel lobby
I wait on the beach
it takes her six minutes to come back
I know this because I do one Mississippi
slowly and I count

finally I see her - she is avoiding my eyes
crisis - i know it - epic
life as we have known it - is over

I will scream, pound my chest,
try to drown myself in the sea
as soon as she gives me the news

no eye contact yet - still
she can't even look at me
my heart's about to explode
this moment stretches to eternity
kel sits down, closes her eyes

WHAT!!!!!! - I scream at her.
what what - she says calmly
the phone - I grunt
“just my mom”
then she picks up her book
and resumes reading

I watch her - brains and beauty
unaware of all I have just been through
she reads, Kelli, my happy - non neurotic wife
my salvation - my life

i thank god for her - daily