*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

3/07/2005

commack

finally they caught him
the son of sam
i was in high school
scared out of my mind
terrorized by my television
the sniper who stood
next to his kills

my brother danny was dating a woman then
last and only one i think
sharon flood
one of two black families in a high school of thousands
they - danny and sharon
were making out in the volarie

i was fourteen
my mom was dead
my dad on a date with jill
and me and maureen
were watching eddies friends hang out
in our house - where no one was
besides nana

who could not see or hear or move very well
but nana was there
she showed up and stayed
willed - till we were all almost grown
women are so strong

maureen and I were crying
begging danny to leave the car
there in suburbia we screamed
“stop kissing and save your life”

son of sam was caught the next day
on his way to obi - so the legend goes
the very place we ALL were that next night
all of us
every 42 year old in the tri state area

drama is as drama does

his name was david berkowitz
i saw his picture in the paper and was shocked
he looked like someone I went to high school with
a kid with crazy hair and beige clothes
nearly normal

i thought about him all night
and the next day - he was the only
topic discussed

long island - new york -
you are one of 2 things
catholic or jewish
there was one protestant in Commack
jean soul
i thought her an oddity

i cannot tell you how shocking it was to find out
in real life
the jean souls are in charge

so one of the neighbors was babbling
and I listened entranced - mothers
still can have all my attention
mother me and I am yours

“my god - I heard berkowitz and the shame - son of sam a jew? - I thought I would plotz - then I heard it - ADOPTED son. Thank god we don't have to claim him!”

she did not want to carry the shame
the association
unreal and absurd as it was
she did not want son of sam on the list of jews
can you blame her

and that's what I learned as a kid
you are part of something bigger
you represent something when you become a topic of
conversation in America

who claimed you theirs
and would they ever want you off the list
away from them
ashamed

celebrity happens
then it all goes to shit
literally
you have taken a hit off the metaphorical crack pipe
you are done

you start to listen to others instead of yourself
you worry
somehow you will be found out
a fake - unworthy
not quite good enough
… you move further away from yourself

and your image becomes just that
you believe a tv rating means something
so you try to get more points
which really are people
to adore you

cause you had 5.6 million in year one
and if you could only be funny enough now
and tone down the columbine nra shit
and relax ro
just relax

almost three years now
why ? to re claim myself
to find my tribe
I had left them long ago
they know who they are

the ones who grew up loving Julie Andrews
and still do - stuffing their size 20 ass
into size 16 stretch jeans
the moms who try to find the funny
in a life that is too often without
coupon clippers and claustrophobics
bi-polar but afraid to get diagnosed
cause the stigma feels somehow worse
then the disease

straight and gay and in between
we grew up believing there was a wizard
no man behind the curtain

i am not normal
this has always been true
and why you loved me
was I was so like you
the odds of the me from 17 rhonda lane
to the SHE of ROSIE O'DONNELL
one in a google
nothing happens by chance

here is what I think

teachers need to be paid more
the war in iraq is wrong
george bush is a disaster - dangerous for the world
racism exisits and sucks
nurses rock and derserve more respect
too few people have too much of the money
and most of them don't want to share
shocking
to me

i believe in democracy
in freedom
in peace equality and art

choose the light
be claimed
declare yourself
with grace if possible