*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)

2/15/2005

michael jackson

ever since mitch took away my paintings and collages
I stopped making them
he told me when we met - i should not paint for him
only myself

you cannot control the monster
the big black dog
when he arrives
treat him well – let him sleep
when he is ready
he will go again
you will feel better
then after
like childbirth
you will forget how bad it was

Ok Michael Jackson

like paula
caught and cuffed
paula - the girl who peels the skin from her hands
for years she bandaged them
like Michael and his nose
truth got out –somehow i knew
paula was a picker
till it hurts – bleeds – no longer is

she pled no contest
with nearly no press coverage
her court date was sept 12 2001
lucky girl

Ok so back to me

i am reading twyla tharps book on creativity
she knows of what she speaks
like george of the jungle
who i no longer know
it makes me sad
cause she showed me how to live

I feel better
like almost normal
I can see my body now - I am quite fat

my knees hurt and my hips
i am 42
i need to move like twyla says

I met her once
backstage – opening night at Movin Out
she was calm – I was crazed
trying too hard
needing her to know - that I knew - that she was the real deal
pure yellow – twyla tharp
i may have scared her

one thought has been with me these last few weeks
a man on a roof
water rising
3 different people offer him help
he says no
god will save me
he dies
yells at god in heaven – where the fuck were you?
well she says – who do you think sent those boats...

Bea Arthur exits

so I am writing
letting it fall in the form it does
i am trying not to think or edit
to just let it out
now

I must start moving

here is what i would say to Michael Jackson
“take off your glasses
look me in the eye – last chance kid
you had it once – some direct line
out of every pore it flowed – you pulsed yellow

then came world wide recognition of the IT none can name
talent – no beyond talent
Michael - you used to glow
but then you got famous and Mikey
you had no tethers – no one to ground you
i get that

you need an interpreter
wounded one – lost boy
tell me what you did to your face ..
let’s start there Michael
save yourself - you must tell the truth
ask the yellow to help you be brave
tell me how many times you hurt yourself
carving out the parts that offend
changing the man in the mirror”


his plastic surgeon should be arrested

in the movie in my mind
he is innocent – he never did anything wrong
no jesus juice – no porno magazines
in the movie - he is pure

not likely – i know –
michael is gone
all bets are off

so here is what I think
at some point in his life
disconnected from the source - the yellow
the music stopped coming
his face kept changing
he would get it right, back – fix it
somehow – curing sick children
blessing them
showing them
saving them

and now the media madness begins
nancy grace on court tv cracks me up
whenever she says CANCER victim
she looks down and pauses – pure drama
“let’s not forget Larry this was a CANCER……….. patient”

whisper the scary parts - lord voldermort

Michael Jackson does not believe he is a child molester
and if someone were to convince him he were
he would have to die – literally
his denial is his only survival
as the vultures hoover and descend
the sadness overwhelms me