*the unedited rantings of a fat 43 year old menopausal ex -talk show host * -married mother of four- read at your own risk - my spelling sux (add * ocd * adhd * lmnop * suv * dvd * y not me)


the college dropout

so this kid is a beat maker - for others - produces a ton of hits for rap royalty- almost gets his own deal - goes back to chicago - gets in a car wreck - almost dies - defies the odds - still has ticks sometimes - never when he is rapping - rapped when his jaw was wired shut - this would be an amazing movie
but it is the real life story of kanye west

We are all here for a reason on a particular path
You don't need a curriculum to know that you are part of the math
Cats think I'm delirious,
but I'm so damn serious
That's why I expose my soul to the globe, the world
I'm trying to make it better for these little boys and girls

I'm not just another individual, my spirit is a part of this
That's why I get spiritual, but I get my hymns from Her
So it's not me, it's sHe that's lyrical
I'm not a miracle, I'm a heaven-sent instrument
My rhythmatic regimen navigates melodic notes for your soul and your mental
That's why I'm instrumental
Vibrations is what I'm into

Determination, dedication, motivation
I'm talking to you, my many inspirations
When I say I can't, let you or self down
If I were of the highest cliff, on the highest riff
And you slipped down the side and clinched on to your life in my grip
I would never, ever let you down
And when these words are found
Let it been known that God's penmanship has been signed with a language called love
That's why my breath is felt by the deaf
And why my words are heard and confined to the ears of the blind

I, too, dream in color and in rhyme
So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house
Cuz whenever I open my heart, my soul, or my mouth
A touch of God reigns out

(take em to church)

buy this cd - soak in it - very yellow



if i write for you
i start to think
edit distort destroy

it comes in pieces
like lyrics
a secret code

since leaving
been painting
loud crazy insane

this is freedom
pick your poisin
free of pain

ok so now
sunny in miami
i grab kanye west
a few kids
and boat float


fat celebs

celebrity fit club just ended
danny baldwin needs help
but you have to wanna stop
I am sure danny’s tired
addiction is a beast

these fatties are brave
getting weighed weekly
watching and raging
bravo!!!!! I scream at the screen
then cringe

earlier this evening
kirstie alley told matt lauer
that her fattest was 201
I almost choked on my yodel
I am 220
fess up kirstie - 201 my ass
i started to fume

bald melissa talking about the glow
the beauty
Coming thru living in her
The yellow

the Snapple lady looks like marilyn
beaut with the tiny dog
same body
same feel

I spoke to flavor flave
foofy foofy
last week while he was at the view
foofy foofy – sundays on vh-1
i'm chaka kahn...

michael heads back to court
spider bite flu vittalago
I wish I could fast forward
to the end
too tragic

kanye west is connected
only one more weekend
let freedom ring
alpha step omega step



i am in miami - the fuel
dolphins with my baby boy

mothers are the key

recently sharon stone spoke up at some
not a black tie celebrity flash bash
she reached into locked pockets
her looks hiding her brain - brilliant really
she raised over 1.3 million dollars
in 20 minutes

she hit it out of the park
sharon stone - bravo
humbled apologies
with respect

nothing is constant but change

i saw on cnn
in the paper
an ariel shot of some place in iran

wake up moms
we have seen this before
iraq - remember
same photos
same terror talk

1,300 of our kids dead
130,000 innocent iraqi's
but who is counting

moms - it is up to us
no to iran
no to syria -
no to north korea

no you cannot have our sons and daughters
no - no
i am the mom - that's why



the visiting area looks a lot like an ER waiting room
people in folding or plastic chairs
cramped quarters

you here them jiggle - constant
pockets with coins
crashing moving talking

the women looked familiar
like the ones at lucille roberts
like me and sharon

all in tan kakhi's and green oversized wool shirts
pressed with a crease
and dark brown leather work boots

she took hers off
to stretch her feet
and i noticed we had the same socks on
hers prison issued- mine from target
we both laughed

i signed some autographs
she was not allowed to
i'm not sure why

she looked radiant
which shocked me
fit - her skin and hair perfect
palmers coca butter she told me
yes - i agreed
an excellent product

i was happy to see her
so well - strong - smiling
made me feel like women are invincible
we can survive anything
and we do

she's done march 5th


michael jackson

ever since mitch took away my paintings and collages
I stopped making them
he told me when we met - i should not paint for him
only myself

you cannot control the monster
the big black dog
when he arrives
treat him well – let him sleep
when he is ready
he will go again
you will feel better
then after
like childbirth
you will forget how bad it was

Ok Michael Jackson

like paula
caught and cuffed
paula - the girl who peels the skin from her hands
for years she bandaged them
like Michael and his nose
truth got out –somehow i knew
paula was a picker
till it hurts – bleeds – no longer is

she pled no contest
with nearly no press coverage
her court date was sept 12 2001
lucky girl

Ok so back to me

i am reading twyla tharps book on creativity
she knows of what she speaks
like george of the jungle
who i no longer know
it makes me sad
cause she showed me how to live

I feel better
like almost normal
I can see my body now - I am quite fat

my knees hurt and my hips
i am 42
i need to move like twyla says

I met her once
backstage – opening night at Movin Out
she was calm – I was crazed
trying too hard
needing her to know - that I knew - that she was the real deal
pure yellow – twyla tharp
i may have scared her

one thought has been with me these last few weeks
a man on a roof
water rising
3 different people offer him help
he says no
god will save me
he dies
yells at god in heaven – where the fuck were you?
well she says – who do you think sent those boats...

Bea Arthur exits

so I am writing
letting it fall in the form it does
i am trying not to think or edit
to just let it out

I must start moving

here is what i would say to Michael Jackson
“take off your glasses
look me in the eye – last chance kid
you had it once – some direct line
out of every pore it flowed – you pulsed yellow

then came world wide recognition of the IT none can name
talent – no beyond talent
Michael - you used to glow
but then you got famous and Mikey
you had no tethers – no one to ground you
i get that

you need an interpreter
wounded one – lost boy
tell me what you did to your face ..
let’s start there Michael
save yourself - you must tell the truth
ask the yellow to help you be brave
tell me how many times you hurt yourself
carving out the parts that offend
changing the man in the mirror”

his plastic surgeon should be arrested

in the movie in my mind
he is innocent – he never did anything wrong
no jesus juice – no porno magazines
in the movie - he is pure

not likely – i know –
michael is gone
all bets are off

so here is what I think
at some point in his life
disconnected from the source - the yellow
the music stopped coming
his face kept changing
he would get it right, back – fix it
somehow – curing sick children
blessing them
showing them
saving them

and now the media madness begins
nancy grace on court tv cracks me up
whenever she says CANCER victim
she looks down and pauses – pure drama
“let’s not forget Larry this was a CANCER……….. patient”

whisper the scary parts - lord voldermort

Michael Jackson does not believe he is a child molester
and if someone were to convince him he were
he would have to die – literally
his denial is his only survival
as the vultures hoover and descend
the sadness overwhelms me



did you see missy e
screaming janis
with sparkling eyes
rocking the house
bald and beautiful

we met when i was a vj
and she a new artist
now as moms
friends for real
i cried as the goosebumps
curled up my spine

take it - take another little piece of my heart
she did
rock star - survivor - crusader
il adore

magazine hell

he will never believe it , but dave eggers first book was a heartfelt work of staggering genius

while in a deposition for my magazine lawsuit – i heard a woman i respect say she thought my book was untrue. untrue was such an interesting choice of words - i wanted to ask her why - but you are not allowed to ask questions – when you are the one being sued –– you have to just sit and watch them ask questions about you while you are there - as if you weren't. it is quite odd.

and i was there only because my lawyer thought this one woman – would be swayed by my presence. this woman – a gay shy ivy league book worm - was our star editor. it took her three weeks before she would look in my eyes when i said hello in the office– back when my magazine was just that.

so i go. and my stomach hurts – and it is surreal. like a bad movie of the week. i see her - dressed in a suit. i say hi and she looks down – defeated by everything and softly says my name. i did not get her eyes. i made small talk with the lawyers on their side – why not? it doesn’t feel like sides to me. g &j had a 60 yr old female in house lawyer – a woman who obviously went to law school back when few women did – a woman I think I would like –if I met her at a poker table in vegas. the guy lawyer is wholly uninteresting to me emotionally. i make him laugh – cause i am funny – and he does – in spite of himself.

the gay woman is sworn in and her voice is meek – as always – and she wipes her glasses over and over and listens fully to each question – trying her best, working very hard. i feel sorry for her struggling – each question taking so long for her to answer. my lawyer asks her what she likes about rosie o’donnells managing style – her stregnths and faults. the woman goes pale -
and i am so sorry i am there
for her not for me
i want to say – “hey– it’s ok – just tell your truth as you remember it. just say it – no matter what” i am not allowed to speak but i want to. I want to make it stop for everyone, but cannot. the woman asks for a break – my lawyer and i go in the bathroom and confer. we giggle like teenagers. she tells me not to care about this woman – she is on their team.

and i think of joni mitchell " church or nation - team or tribe - every notion we subscribe to - is just a borderline"

so we are back from break and the woman sworn in again – is asked to give her opinion of a book i wrote FIND ME. she must have loathed it but she lacks the viciousness to say it in front of me. she was tactful – calm and steady – took her time before choosing one word - “untrue”

and then it was lunch and when the deposition camera was off and the mike unhooked i said loudly – “ well listen i am going to leave after lunch and..” I called her name and waited until– finally - she looked at me -

“this is all corporate bullshit – it isn’t personal – they are gonna do what they do - and no matter what happens - it is going to be ok. – don’t take it to heart – i’ll see you at the liberty games” . she nodded - almost confused. i said goodbye to their lawyers– they both grinned and smiled while shaking my hand.

fame is funny.


wife swap

i searched the internet till midnight
there was only one nicki boone with a number listed
she lost her cat
i dialed
" leave a message...." said a voice unlike the one i had just watched on television
i didn't leave a message

bobby is my assistant (- bullshit - he is my brother)
also up and fuming about the abc show we just saw
find her - i im'ed
and he heard the mission impossible music in his head

three minutes
i found her he said - talked to her - she is home now - call
i do
nicki boone - from wife swap
nicki knew the odds up front - the playing field was not level
we are not even considered real wives

"we juz shakin up" ms guilispe snarled
yes doll - cause you won't let us get married
no win - forced default

still - with a fist held high above her beating heart
my nicki - she fought
with grace and dignity and something that made my skin shiver

yes - stand up
all of us
stand up - open your mouths
come in peace
but stand

this is rosie odonnell i said
no way she said - just like jeanne weenie
my third sister

i am nicki boone
she is me
"come on my boat" i begged
bring your wife and child
let us celebrate you - brave one
nikki boone
i can't wait to hug you


6 months after leaving

everyone at the elementary school hates my car
“looks like a mistake rosie – one big huge error!” then he laughed – the man with the grey eyes - followed by a chorus of moms noddong at the “marshmellow white mess.”

the ponitac aztek comes with a camper attachment in the back. one can sleep in this vehicle – on an air mattress –
available with the sport package. I got the sport package`- and the dvd player and the optional sunroof.

when I was a kid I wanted a gremlin. my aunt minnie had a gremlin – green and squat with the faint smell of cherry tobacco
that was the first car I dreamed of. next was the pacer – my gym teachers maroon red pacer – with the aquarium glass bubble back.
yes – that was car number two. I flirted with the pt cruiser – but it was surface and all about image. that car – I have been told – looks like a baby hearse.

not the aztek. mine is– all white – a truck car – a macho yet feminine auto –with gallons of guts.

I called the dealer and ordered one on the phone. the guy sounded surprised – but I figured it was the fame thing.
celebrity calling – odd that.
a guy came to my office to have me sign the papers. a tall very handsome man with amazing energy. felt like I knew him. we sat down and held each others eyes – and out of nowhere and everywhere at once - he told me I was being ripped off - that these cars were sitting rotting on the lot –noone wanted them. he asked if I knew the aztek was rated the ugliest car of the century – and right behind it – in second and third – the gremlin and the pacer.

I smiled at the man – and felt what he was about to do - he gave me 4 thousand dollars off the quoted price on the phone – I should not sign these papers he said – he would come back later that day with the revised contracts. we sat for a moment – and I told him I would give away the money he just saved me – to any charity he liked. at first he resisted – but then agreed
with pure intent comes pure result - young and brave and full of ethics.
nothing happens by chance.

so I drove my aztek for 4 months while a tv personality. not a word was said.
now this – my new reality - with no show armor – people hate my car.
they ridicule it – they cannot understand why I have it – being rich enough to get any car.
I tried to explain about the hatch back camping feature -
“who the hell camps anyway?” he did have a point.
I have never used the tent – but I like knowing I can - should I want to.

so I went on he net – after thirty days of peer pressured car shame - looked up some alternatives.
the bmw – aztek looking suv-truck thingy of comparable size cost three times as much as my aztek.

today is sept 25 2002. i did the today show to talk about the magazine law suit. katie asked me if i was as bad as some say. i smiled at said hey you know me. "but i have never worked for you rosie" was the reporters reply. my heart ached. people forget too quickly.

salvation came, not five minutes later – when a beautiful man introduced himself at the stage door. A florida resident - a lawyer– thanking me for my adoption stance.
did he know of the king boys, I asked – their case, their history.
no he said
so i told him of the young brothers on trial in florida for killing their dad. young abused boys 9 & 11 - a pedophile next door friendly with the cops. worse than any movie of the week.
I gave him my home number – asked him to find me the top female lawyer in that county.

when the magazine sued me I hired mary jo white. at the press confrence I said I got “the best female lawyer in ny”
offensive - I have heard to many – including kelli and mary jo.
fact is – I never considered a man. I knew the energy I needed would be found in a female vessel. I choose a woman – on purpose – and I needed to say so – not so she would feel invalidated – but superior.

I left the today show – and went on to my "save your soul" press tour. had anyone watched the show for the last six years?

that night a woman named jayne called me – asked if it was right – her calling as I had asked for someone – right.
Yes right. defend the king boys I told her. I will pay. she took a little convincing – but did it. right there – again
pure intention – pure result. do not use my name – do your job – give these boys a spoonful of hope. let them taste justice for once – finally. defend them in the light – stay there till you win.

she did.

she called me from the courthouse – in tears or close to it. I was painting – listening to pippin.
“they threw it out – overturned the conviction. I can’t believe it – I don’t believe it.”

believe it I said – cause this is gods light. there was silence - she was crying – this woman I had never met - her mom had died six months ago and her pain was intense. this was her first case back since - and it all seemed unreal. She wanted to believe.

well I told her - trying not to sound too annoying – too convinced
you will believe. this was a person to person call – from your mother to you.

on wednesday I will have lunch with her – this stranger from florida – a state that seems to have lost it’s soul. I will drive in to new york city in my aztek knowing two boys lives were saved for the cost of a bmw.

on the way in – I will listen to pippin

"morning glow morning glow
starts to glimmer when you know
winds of change are set to blow
and sweep this whole land through
morning glow is long past due"