new site is up

the blog has moved, the new site is up - at rosie.com... leave your comments there...

free stuff

there is a guy on espn
world poker tour
slicing a carrot
by flinging playing cards
with stunning accuracy

seems impossible
and a tad scary

i am in la
doing press
4 the movie
that airs this sunday
do me a favor
tivo desperate housewives

i saw nadia
from idol
at the airport
gave her a big ol hug
like we were friends
tv does that
she was sweet and beautiful
and kind to all the strangers
like me
acting like they knew her

my site has been down
for remodeling
sometime soon
a new rosie.com
all blog
all the time
with flickr 2 boot

there will a button
for ur e mail address
sign up if u want
i am gonna try
to send ya free stuff
like on my show
only here on the net...
i've been told it's impossible
which means
i will figure out how

weenie and jackie and me
tried to stay up
all night
like we used to
we went to applebees
and then to the marriot
watched meet the fockers
on pay per view
and fell asleep by 10:15

with three spouses
and 9 kids between us
it was the best we could do
43 ain't young

the "your'e not a friend of the letterman show"
guy - said it never happened
yeah - and i am a size six
whatever...
4 me it falls into the
life is too short category

i am starting a line of t shirts
the first one
"go blog urself"
the second
"i don't know rosie - we're not friends"
the third
"hold a grudge"

i remember too much

depends

so i just found out
i am gonna be offered
a big money deal
by jenny craig

it must be true
cause i read it in a magazine
a real one with glossy pages
like newsweek - full of facts

apparently kirstie alley
had brokered a deal for me
convincing craig - or jenny
they needed me

oh no
maybe they haven't heard
i am on maintenance
yes - this is it
pretty much
give or take a swing 15

i met jeanu from survivor
on the early show yesterday
i liked her in real life
and on tv
lazing around in the hammock
then quitting when she was done
bravo

then on tony danza
i met bryn
the orvelle redenbocker bow tie boy
from the apprentice
love him
he is very short -
which he didn't look on television
and sweet as sweet can be
i loved him in the cab
after being fired
saying he realized
there's no place like home

do you know how donald trump
got his millions?
he father gave it to him

martha stewart
on the other hand
made all her money

ahhh life
carolyn and george
pretty much ARE trump international
there is no wizard

i went to his second wedding
with jason opsahl
my kinecki from grease
i miss him so

he was invited
cause he knew marla
from doing will rogers follies
on broadway
marla is very nice
donald...

what is the secret with his hair
i think he had the back part of his scalp
near his neck
removed (like a 2 inch strip)
and then had it sewn on
the crown of his head
so it's kinda growing
only upside down

i prefer the go with gusto
bald look
than the
how the hell is that happening
hair of the donald

then again
he likes his women thin
and in heels
2 each his own

tonight
me weenie and jackie
are going to have a sleep over
in our hometown hotel
we will toast to weenie joining me
in the 43 club
jackie will tease us about being old
she joins may 15

we are going to go to all the places we did
when we were 16
and used fake id
to get in

it will be a depends night
i am sure

here's 2 u world

GAY FOSTER MOM

IN 1998
I SPENT THE SUMMER IN MIAMI
RELAXING AFTER
WHAT SOME WOULD CALL
A BREAKDOWN
PANICKED & DESPERATE - SPIRITUALLY SEARCHING
THE DARKNESS HAD RETURNED

DON’T WATCH THE NEWS
IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED

IN A TINY ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT
IN LITTLE HAVANA
A FIVE YEAR OLD GIRL WAS BRUTALLY RAPED
BY A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD “FRIEND OF THE FAMILY”
THE CHILD'S MOTHER SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE INCIDENT
IN THE NEXT ROOM - SIX FEET AWAY
THE BABY HAD BEEN BEATEN
HER TEETH BROKEN - HER BODY RIPPED

THE REPORTER DID NOT GIVE THE CHILDS NAME
DID NOT SHOW HER FACE
YET SHE HAUNTED ME

I THOUGHT OF HER DAILY
KNOWING THERE WAS A REASON
SHE RESONATED WITHIN
ONE I COULD NOT YET SEE

A MONTH LATER
MY TWO YEAR OLD DAUGHTER GOT SICK
I CALLED A DOCTOR - WHO CAME TO THE HOUSE
HE WAS KIND AND CHATTY
FULL OF BAD JOKES
HE TOLD ME HE WORKED OUT OF CHILDRENS HOSPITAL
WHERE - I REMEMBERED
THIS YOUNG GIRL WAS BEING TREATED

I ASKED IF HE KNEW OF HER
HE SAID HE DID - SHE WAS IN BAD SHAPE
I ASKED HIM IF I COULD VISIT HER
HE WASN'T SURE, BUT HE WOULD TRY TO ARRANGE IT

HE DID

I WAS ALLOWED TO MEET HER
TWO WEEKS LATER
AT THE GLADSTONE CENTER
A HOME SEXUALLY ABUSED GIRLS
I AGREED TO VISIT THE GIRLS AS A GROUP
WITHOUT SHOWING ANY SPECIAL INTEREST IN THIS ONE CHILD
I STILL DID NOT KNOW HER NAME

THE NIGHT BEFORE MY VISIT
I SAW THE HANDCUFFED MOTHER ON TV
BEING LED INTO COURT
HEAVY - ANGRY - DETACHED AND SCARY
THE NEWS ANCHOR SAID SHE WAS NOT COOPERATING WITH THE POLICE
I HATED HER

THE MORNING ARRIVED
I FELT SICK
I HAD BEEN TO PLACES LIKE GLADSTONE BEFORE
THIS TIME FELT DIFFERENT

THE GLADSTONE CENTER IS DIFFICULT TO FIND
IT IS COMPLETELY HIDDEN BEHIND A CHURCH
OFF A MAIN ROAD
WITH ONLY A SMALL WOODEN SIGN WHISPERING THE WAY
I WALKED DOWN THE PEBBLE FILLED DRIVEWAY
TOWARD THE ONE STORY CEMENT BLOCK BUILDING
TINY COLORED WILD FLOWERS FOUGHT THEIR WAY
THRU THE GRAY GREEN TANGLE OF WEEDS
A BURST OF BLUE - THE HUE OF HOPE

I INTRODUCED MYSELF TO THE STAFF
AWKWARDLY
I WANTED TO THANK THEM
BUT DID NOT

I WAS BRIEFED
THEN ESCORTED TO THE THERAPY ROOM
TWENTY GIRLS - AGED 5 TO 17
WERE SITTING IN A CIRCLE

TRYING TO CONJURE UPON THEIR FACE
THE EMOTION WRITTEN ON THE CARD
IN THE THERAPISTS HAND
HAPPY - CONCERNED - SHY - SAD - ANGRY

THERAPISTS DETERMINED TO RECONNECT THE CUT WIRES
INSIDE THE HEARTS AND HEADS OF THESE KIDS
TO PULL THEM BACK FROM THE ABYSS

I WAS INTRODUCED
SOME GIRLS WERE EXCITED TO SEE ME
OTHERS TOTALLY DISINTERESTED
THEY ALL HAD QUESTIONS

”YOU IN THE FLINTSTONE MOVIE?”
“DID YOU COME IN A LIMO?”
“YOU LIVE IN A MANSION?”
“WHY YOU HERE SEEING US ANYWAY?”

I TOOK A BREATH
I TOLD THEM I WAS THERE BECAUSE I WAS ONE OF THEM
BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO KNOW THEY HAD VALUE
THAT THERE WERE MANY ADULTS LIKE ME
WHO ONCE WERE KIDS LIKE THEM

I TOLD THEM TO BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES
TO KNOW THERE WERE MORE GOOD PEOPLE THAN BAD
THAT THERE WERE GROWN UPS
WILLING TO FIGHT FOR THEM
TO PROTECT THEM - TO LOVE THEM
I WAITED FOR A RESPONSE......

THEY ASKED IF I KNEW RICKY MARTIN

DURING THE Q AND A I SPOTTED HER
THE GIRL FROM THE NEWS STORY
NOONE POINTED HER OUT - I JUST KNEW
SHE WAS HARD TO MISS
LANKY - BEAUTIFUL AND OBVIOUSLY SUFFERING
WITH A ROUND FACE - BROWN HAIR AND HUGE EYES
SHE BOUNCED IN AND OUT OF THE ROOM
ON AND OFF OF CHAIRS AND LAPS
SHE WAS MANIC BUSY

SHE PAID NO ATTENTION TO ME
FOR MOST OF MY STAY
SHE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM

MY VISIT WAS WINDING DOWN
I TOOK A POLARIOD WITH EACH GIRL
AND GAVE EACH A BEANIE BABY

AS I STARTED TO LEAVE
SHE WALKED BACK IN THE ROOM
THE STUFFED ANIMALS CAUGHT HER EYE
EVERY KID HAD ONE
SHE ASKED - IN SPANISH - IF THERE WAS ONE FOR HER
THERE WAS
SHE CHOSE ONE - CUDDLED IT - AND LOOKED UP AT ME
AFTER A MOMENT - ASKED IF I WANTED TO SEE HER ROOM
I GLANCED AT THE THERAPIST
WAITING FOR APPROVAL
SHE NODDED

THE BABY/CHILD PUT HER TINY HAND IN MINE
AND LED ME DOWN THE HALL
THE LAST ROOM WAS HERS
OLD WOOD BUNK BEDS - A SMALL DRESSER AND A DESK

SHE PUT THE BEANIE BABY I GAVE HER
BESIDE TWO OF HER OWN
HER DOCTOR GAVE HER THOSE - SHE TOLD ME PROUDLY

THE ONE WHO STICHED HER UP - I THOUGHT

ONE BEANIE BABY WAS A DOG
THE OTHER TWO BEARS WITH CLOSED EYES AND FOLDED PAWS
SHE TOLD ME THE BEARS MOMMY WAS DEAD
SO THE BEAR WAS VERY SAD
YES - I TOLD HER - THE BEAR MUST BE SAD
SHE GAVE A NON CHALANT NOD

I GAVE HER THE EXTRA BEANIE BABIES

WHEN WE WERE LEAVING
I ASKED IF I COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF US
FOR ME TO KEEP
SHE SAID YES AND WE POSED TOGETHER

SHE STARTED TO WALK AWAY
I DID NOT WANT HER TO GO
I SAID IN BAD HIGH SCHOOL SPANISH
“I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.”

SHE LOOKED CONFUSED
HOLDING THE BEANIE BABIES UP FOR ME TO SEE -
TO REMIND ME - I HAD ALREADY GIVEN HER SOMETHING

I REACHED INTO MY POCKET
AND HANDED HER A SMALL WHITE STONE
THE KIND YOU GET AT NATURE STORES
POLISHED AND INSCRIBED
ON THIS ONE
ONE WORD - LOVE

“QUANDO TU MIRA ES, ENTIENDES TE QUIERRO”
WHEN YOU SEE THIS - KNOW I LOVE YOU

SHE LOOKED AT THE STONE - SMILED
HUGGED ME AND WALKED TOWARDS THE DOOR
SHE STOPPED
AND WITH A LONGING BACKWARD GLANCE
ASKED MY NAME
IT HAD BEEN A WHILE SINCE ANYONE ASKED MY NAME

RO - I TOLD HER
SHE NODDED AND POINTED TO HER CHEST
KASSANDRA - SHE SAID
I NODDED
SHE WALKED AWAY

THAT DAY
I FILLED OUT THER FORMS
TO BECOME A FOSTER PARENT
IN THE STATE OF FLORIDA

STARTED THE PROCESS
THAT SHOULD HAVE BEGUN
LONG AGO

ON THAT DAY
I FORGAVE MYSELF
FOR CRIMES THAT WERE NEVER MY OWN
AND VOWED TO SAVE
AS MANY AS I COULD
AND IN DOING DO
SAVED MYSELF

GAY FOSTER PARENT
ME

Letterman

my problem with dave
is a guy named rob

so blake was brand new
had to be feb - march
i am guessing

i was hosting
the grammy's or tony's
something on cbs

i was on the phone with les moonves
(the then and still is boss guy)
the afternoon we all learned
dave had ticker trouble

a casual aside to mr moon v
who spoke of his concern
about sweeps w/o dave

if u r stuck for a host
lemme know - i am here
the end

2 days later
rob barnett calls me
the new ep
i liked the old ep - morty

it's always been ed on the couch
and morty by the desk
change is hard

hello rob i said
and off he went
how dare i
try to steal daves gig
by calling les
"you are not a friend of the letterman show - rosie"

i did a lot of umm's
tried the truth
i have a job
i was just trying to help
i was on the phone because of...

"we don't need your help rosie"
click

ok so now
today april 2005
i have been asked again to do dave
but - by now
it's been so long
blake is five

i don't see how i can
i doubt i would be comfy
as the "you are not a friend of the letterman show"
tape would run on a loop
as daves mouth moved
and i heard the charlie brown teacher
waa waa waaa

i would try too hard
i can tell
needy is never funny

my long suffering publicist
tries to explain this
to the new ep
a smart sassy woman
who seems kind and determined
i like that in a gal

mr manners barnett
is no longer standing
in mortys place
but he is still around
running would wide pants ...
what if i see him in the elevator
what if i don't

cindy (lsp) says
i should get over it
not hold a grudge
move on
as if

i like dave
i wonder how he has changed
since his boy arrived
from black and white to color
life
i know he grew a new heart
with harry

TEXAS

there are over 25 thousand kids
in the texas foster care system
nearly all of them have heterosexual parents

Child Protective Services (CPS) is responsible for promoting the integrity and stability of Texas families; investigating reports of child abuse and neglect; and providing homes and various services for children who cannot safely remain with their own families.

While DPRS attempts to find permanent placements for all of the foster children in its care, it does not always succeed. About 900 Texas foster children in state care “age out” of the system each year, leaving foster care when they become eighteen or upon graduation from high school.

the vast majority of children who "age out" end up in jail or on welfare
stick this in your browser
http://treatyoak.tdprs.state.tx.us:8020/Tare/jsp_public/SearchMain.jsp

these are the faces
of the kids in foster care -
by the thousands
they wait
for a safe place to land

now a bill passes
in the texas house
banning homosexuals
from being foster parents

shame on them
900 kids
leave the lone star states
pathetic and substandard care
without ever having
a home of their own

no parents are better than gay parents
according to moronic REPUBLICAN robert talton
and his partner in hate
fellow gop & nra member
suzanna hupp

i met her
ms hupp
shook her hand
during the million mom march
told her i was sorry for her loss
her pain unimaginable

both of suzannas parents were shot dead
during the lubys massacre
as she lay helpless beside them
her registed handgun sat
locked in her car
a few yards away

how does one survive that?

i understood when suzanna became
a vocal pro gun lobby gal
how could she not
i imagine she is plagued with - if only

but this bill
this hate filled rhetoric
posing as policy
how can susan
allow this to become her legacy

Eva Thibaudeau, who with her partner of eight years is a licensed foster parent, said she was in shock over the amendment. During the past eight years, she and her partner have adopted four kids and fostered 75 children. "I am just so hurt and surprised, especially now [when] we are facing an ongoing crisis of not having enough resources to take care of foster children," said Thibaudeau, a social worker.

are any of those who voted
foster parents
have they looked into the eyes of these lost children
before deciding to limit their options
of being found

righty / lefty
hazel / blue
gay / straight
tall / short

wake up people
kids die in foster care daily in america
the whole system needs to be overhauled
kicking the queers
who are ready willing and able to help
is absurd

pope joni

Theres a new pope - who cares
Not me
Really
I feel more connected to survivor
Then the catholic church

My irish babysitter
She hates the word nanny
And so do I
As she is nothing like juliette mills

My baby sitter friend
She - was consumed by the whole spectacle

Growing up in Belfast in the 70's
She's a good catholic girl
No matter how she disagrees with the church
He was the pope after all
So she watched the funeral at 4 am
Then took a nap by the pool at 4 pm

So today they got a new one
He has a name I cannot spell
I am gonna call him pope b

Last night on cnn
Americans waiting in the piscillica
Wen't ballistic with joy
When they saw the first tuft of white smoke
Only to be devastated moments later
When the grey arose
All on camera

“White flags of winter chimneys
Waving truce against the moon
In the mirrors of a modern bank
From the windows of my hotel room”

I feel about joni mitchell
the way some do about the pope
Joni is as close to the source
As one can get

Her words guide me
The soundtrack of my soul
There is nothing I can ever say
Or express
That she has not already
With a brilliance that blinds

If there was a joni church
I would apply to be a bishop
I can quote her like some do Leviticus
She makes more sense
2 me

Go buy dreamland
Get all her cds if you can
The lastest are spectacular
The violins alone
Magical

This computer capitalizes things
I wish it wouldn't
It uses apostrophes too
And underlines each mistake
Talk about buzz kill
Makes one afraid to try even
Ya know ?
Capital y

After re reading this blog
I feel warner books was correct
About passing on this mess
It is too disjointed
And confusing
Like a radio on scan

Off I go
Tangent here - tangent there
Sometimes I can't even follow it
And I have a map

Soon I am gonna have blue links
In these missives
So if u go get it on amazon
Some money of it goes to charity
How cool is that

Its almost 5 - Tuesday
My pre simon nausea
Is beginning
That show reminds me of star seach
Which I was on in 1984
With a david Cassidy haircut
And hefty bag full of dreams

“Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
And still be on my feet”

rogue waves

the most amazing thing i have seen
since moulin rouge
star wars meets the matrix
magical transformative
ka

i walked into the casino lobby
heard a shrill scream
a sound i had never heard before
blood curdling - desperate
i thought it was a wounded animal
then i saw her

she was 3 - maybe 4
curled up next to a tall
shiny gold ash try

"mommy" she wailed
an ache so raw

six feet away
a man who is not paying any attention
a teen - disinterested and sullen
i thought she was alone

are you the dad i ask
kneeling down next to her
yea he says - all of 24
i try to talk to the child
who has stopped screaming
but is still curled
fetal position

i call her name quietly
as the dad tries to explain
to her trembling back
that i am on tv
she is shivering

where is the mother i ask
trying to quell my rage
it's her birthday
she's playing slots
he says
can u sign this?
handing me the ripped top
off his marboro lights

we go to dinner
i have kobe beef
he was on my show
as a high school all american
a shy boy
his mom was with him
kobe beef

into ka we go
the set alone is worth the ticket price
feels like you are on another planet
inside the thunderdome
waterworld

this cirque de soleil guy
he is van gogh
right here and now
crazy gifted
visionary

ten minutes in
the woman behind me
started singng
perfect pitch
i wanted to turn and look at her
but was afraid she would stop

then i realized
there are speakers in the seats

ok transition

so the norwegian dawn
the boat we chartered last year
for r family vacations
and loved so much
we charted it again
for the crusie this year

that beautiful boat
was hit by a 70 foot rogue wave
yesterday

noone was seriously hurt
but all were scared shitless no doubt
kel worried this would make people scared
to come on our trip this july

i laughed
cause i thought just the opposite
a 70 foot rogue wave
thats like lightning striking
freakish and odd
the chance of the dawn
being struck by one again
next to nothing

on the whole
speaking selfishly
the rogue was a plus
for us

the company NCL
has been wonderful to us
in every way
the staff - the crew
everyone

i heard they offered folks on the boat
1/2 price off another cruise
come on ours!!!!
we will make it up to you
broadway stars nightly
and free stuff daily
and i promise
the piano player
will not play
the theme from titanic

( although that did make me laugh)

and as an aside
bette and tina
together agaun
at last

MARAVEL

ms maravel – a twenty something beautiful
almost hippie math teacher
who was engaged to mr pic -
the band teacher I loved instantly -

she - ms maravel -
caught me in the hall
without a pass
the third day of seventh grade

“open your locker – take out all the books”
I did – speechless
with arms full she slammed the locker door closed
“next time – detention, now go”
and I did
our first meeting
without even a hello

pat maravel died last week
nearly three decades after our rocky start.
we buried her today.
I sat today in the front row,
where she placed me from the start
inside her family.
a part of, my very own

I was born twice –
once in 1962,
to a woman who left so quickly,
I never got to know her.
I carry her name,
and from the few photos I have,
her face as well

i was born again
in 1975 to pat maravel,
a woman who refused to let go
she forced life back into my soul –
she stood solid and strong –
she showed up –
she stayed

i never got to ask her why she did it.
rescued this lost puppy of a girl,
motherless and starving
nothing special in any way
What did she see in me?

i tested her for years,
not able to trust,
still so broken.
bit I couldn’t shake her
no matter how I tried
and i did
i was her most difficult child,
she always says –
said
past tense
it hurts to breathe

will I ever stop refrencing my mother
i feel like Liza - with a z
here we go again
this old chestnut

when my mom was sick,
I thought if Barbras mom was sick,
she would go on Johnny Carson
and ask people to send a dollar and then would
and she would buy medicine
and her mom would liv
i believed that true
it’s not.
I have the money now,
and my second mom was not saved
there is no magic medicine

“do you think I am dying?”
she asked me in december
“yes” I anwsered
“me too” she said

then after a moment,
“ro, this is going to be very hard for you”
i laughed as i cried, telling her
“i could not love you more – I will look after the two you pushed out.”
she put on her glasses to get one last look
held me face in her hands
and said “now go”
i did

god has a sense of humor
she gave me two mothers
both die of breast cancer
both times I am devastated beyond words

pat maravel taught me about mothering freedom and family.
about tolerance, activism and compassion
she showed me how to live, how to love, how to give back
she had strong opinions with an open mind
and a will to live that defied doctors rules

I watched myself on 20/20
talking about parenting
i realized just today
I sounded like pat
the way I speak to my children
is the way she spoke to me

when she was dying –
almost too ill to talk
i brought an 8x10 of the kids
for her to see
she smiled with the parts of her face
that still worked

i put it on top of the dresser
in plain view – near the window
after an hour of only one word replys
i got up to go

she stared at me hard
wanting to say something
i could tell
she nodded toward the picture

“the photo pat?”
yes she nodded
i took it down and brought it to her
all emotional and dramatic
“did you want to see the kids pat?”
she rolled her eyes at me and said
no - window
then laughed

my picture was blocking her view
of the birds and trees
i got it – cracked up
then retold it to Joy, Dolores and Jessie
in front of her
she laughed every time
her closing joke

i miss her a lot
now especially
when I feel so much like myself
again


Barbara Walters asked me if my mom
would be proud of me

she was –
her name was pat maravel
she told me so

sneakers

we went shopping for sneakers
at the beverly connection
a mini mall in the heart of hollywood

the selection is something to behold
an entire wall of singles
unmatched all facing right
in ocd perfect order
hundreds of bright clean nike swoops
and bouncy red rebooks

one pair for me – size nine –
slip on velcro strapped
white n yellow weave
i love them

kel was looking for slides
two pairs she choose
then worried she was spending too much money
the threat of a multi million dollar law suit
makes one frugal

so i tell all i will meet them by the cashier
off i go
the aisle is long – the store huge
i see the dad first
he is walking toward me
fifty maybe older –
a gleandale fire fighter hat on his head
a t shirt – unfashionable and worn
the man stood out in beverly hills –
he looked like he was from nebraska
he spoke first

“how you doing buddy?” he said smiling
to someone he obviously loved
i heard the answer
before i saw the face it came from
“I am so happy!”
a boy of fourteen – an adorable richie cunningham
his face flush with excitement –
running to his father
“they have my size on sale!!!!”

i passed –
not looking at them –
trying to give them privacy –
yet longing to watch how it played out –
this intimate exchange –
this real moment in the town of tinsel

i took note – spingle – ping –
pure – yes - thank you

at the cashier kel payed
as i looked at the revolving rack of sunglasses
behind me at the customer service counter
I heard
“it is blue with a zipper and orange piping”
the pain in his voice obvious
the red headed boy lost his wallet
i felt my heart crack

the father went looking for it
the happy boy from ten minutes ago
was now a distraught mini man
he looked my way –
i asked where he last had it
he told me – in a quivering voice
he wasn’t sure

this boy did not recognize me

his wallet – had 50 dollars in it
plus a tower records gift certificate
he had gotten for his birthday

putting out my hand to shake his –
i handed him a hundred
the way mobsters do movies
folded up tiny
i snuck it into his palm
before he knew it was happening
happy birthday i said
and walked away

the urge to stay –
attached to the result – was huge
but i did not
i walked out of the store –
knowing in that twenty minute period
i was both the giver and receiver

the vessel – the soul –
the dark and the light –
both things and all
at once

god is real
i have always known this

three weeks later
my agent calls
quincy jones wants to talk to me
why I asked
she didn’t know but assumed –
as did i
it was work related

i called mr jones
he knew the red haired boy
and wanted to find the wallet woman
who looked a lot like me

six degress of kevin bacon
me richie q u

13 hearts

i lost
but it was fun

kels still sleeping
which has only happened twice
in the last 7 yrs
not counting after viv came
when her body was recovering
from the primal push

i am trying to refrain
from devouring the mini bar
snickers and mnm's
breakfast of champions

phil gordon is strikingly handsome
and gigantor the space age robot tall
he's got the most unbelievable
blue eyes
i enjoy phil gordon

he gave us a lesson
b4 we entered the ring
it was quite confusing
to math challanged moi
something about percentages
which is fractions
so my brain shut off

he asked how many hearts were left
during one fake hand
felt like algerba

a bus leaves utah
at 4 15
traveling 31 miles an hour
another bus leaves miami
at noon
traveling 23 miles an hour
how many leftys on board

there r 13 hearts he told me
i believed him
he is 34 and single
if i still had a show
i would do a find phil a wife segment
truly a charming guy

i returned to yoga last week
felt like coming home
relax - be still
breathe

poker

in vegas
about to play celeb poker
i am not very good
with real money
but on pokerroom.com
i am a champ
i always have to be the little old woman
who holds her purse
on the table
it takes me a while
to find her free
her appeal is universal
apparently

as for the banned
i am not sure how or y
we are trying r best
basically if u are rude
crude & out to maim
out u go

if u post under different names
but with the same address
they find u anyway
big brother 4 sure
there is no real anonymity
in the blog zone
careful
they are dusting for prints
as i type

law and order - intetnet division
da daaaaam
this fall on nbc

i invite dissent
really i do
just say it with style
succint and 2 the point
make em hear you

the space limit
i asked for 50 words
they decided 200 characters -
my brain started listing
mickey spidey phil and lil
daffy goofy bugs fred

i try to read em all
the fun is in the links
off 2 visit ur world
from the safety of my own

they are waiting down there
in the poker room
i am nervous
which is odd as it is not live
and only a game
and 4 charity 2 boot
yet still
i feel like a kid
on open mike night

later - i will let u know how it went
although
i am not at liberty to discuss the outcome
however.......
i suck at secrets

seacrest out

tummy ladies

i never saw her face
I have one photo - blurry and worn
I have stared at it often
trying to feel her

now that kelli has a baby in her tummy
chelsea has freed her mind and mouth
released in the guise of sisterly curiousity
the underside

when she was three,
she told me, she remembered,
when she was a tiny baby –
my skin was very brown

no, i explained
my skin has always been doughy white
but the woman took care of you
the one who was there everyday
doing the things i chose to miss
she did have brown skin

work – sure
but in the end - ultimately
i chose not to participate
i did not mother my baby girl
busy - i was busy

we met when she was almost two
having split open her mouth in the kitchen –
she was handed to me bloody
like all births –
there were tears and trauma,
terror and responsibility.
and then, there she was
an us

well, hello
i think we are suppossed to do this together.
sorry i am so late

mia was brown too
she went missing as well
now tanya, going away to
chels had it down

“ tanya is studying to be a talking doctor, and isn’t going to be a nanny anymore. but if tanya and anthony have a baby, it will have brown skin. because the baby i saw in the mall, had brown skin and the mommy did too. so tanya’s baby will have brown skin, and i will be the nanny for the baby.”

once the flood gates opened
there is no stopping her
she has many questions
she gathers facts

“ i think kellis baby will have beige skin like kelli right?”
yes.
“so my tummy lady - the one who grew me in her tummy - she had this skin like me.”

i nodded
knowing how upsetting it was for her to realize,
she was always going to have boring beige skin
never the bourbon brown kind she adores

“same eyes, like me, blue, the tummy lady, right?”

yes chels, right

“did i come with anything? cause i remember a necklace when i was a tiny baby that lady gave me. I came with a necklace right mama”

no chelsea,
you did not come with a necklace
but you did have a stuffed toy
you came with a binky
and a cute little pink outfit
i have all of it in the safe
and when you are bigger
you can have it all

“what kind of a safe? with a key or numbers?”

i had no idea,
i can’t even tell you what room it is in
key- i said
trying to sound sure and solid

“a small key? a small silver key? can i see it? where do you keep it? what happens if you lose it?”
and on and on and on

well chels – no worries
i have the whole thing under control
it is safe with me
i will have it for you when you want it – ok?

“do you have a picture of the tummy lady in the safe?”

my daughter is not yet 5
unending emotional access

“yes i do chelsea, she is very beautiful, like you.”

she leans back on her pillow and smiles
catches her reflection in the mirror above her desk,
she poses, wide eyed, working her shoulders,
and throws her head back - laughing.
like rita hayward, or zsa zsa gabor
on a red carpet way back when

now she is gone
lost inside herself
performing in the mirror
off somewhere for a full two minutes
when she returns,
she sees I have been watching her
she is caught but not ashamed
she laughs

“why do tummy ladys sell their babies”

that one hits be in the heart
I explain selling is the wrong word

“but you told me most tummy ladies
are too poor to keep a baby”

i did tell her that
as poverty is the main reason women
place their kids into anothers arms and care

your tummy lady wasn’t ready to be a mommy
she was too young
not yet able to care for herself
she wanted you chels
but she couldn’t give u
all u deserve
your tummy lady is very brave

“she must be sad mama
cause she is poor and she misses me”

i am sure she is chels
I am sure she does miss you

silence
then she changes the subject
something about parker
and a frog they found near the river
I half listen and think

she didn’t sell you chels –
she gave me the gift of you
and I am so happy she did
she wanted you in a happy home
she couldn’t give you that
she knew what you deserved
she wanted so much 4 u

“can we have a family meeting tonight
about the frog thing
cause we wanna keep him
in a shoe box”

family meeting yes
frog in a box - I’m not sure
no promises

how I love my eldest daughter
an angel girl
her brilliant brain never stops
it will all fall into place
for her - I know
time understanding and compassion
and finally healing

the journey is the destination
so said dan eldon
he was right

write now

how come when i want to go to a blue link name
at the bottom of a post
it brings me back to blogger home page
and not to someone's blog

how come some peoples blogs
have comments but no way for me to post
how come computers are so confusing

i posted my first blog in decemeber
then couldnt find my way back to it
for 3 months
nobody used to read it
till

i am at the computer typing
write now

money & yellow

i know why michael moore screams
because he must

michael moore & marshall mathers
both won oscars
because the art they made
was pure yellow
real and true

those in the audience
hollywood elite
voted for these two men
outcasts misfits
for to deny the yellow
would be artictic suicide

no one knows where yellow comes from
how to make it is big business
but not a science
there is no sure fire way to create it
it arrives like magic
uncontrollable
real true and brutally honest

joni mitchell is my yellow
bruce springsteen –
cyndi lauper
i have been soaking in them lately

yellow with my kids
yellow with parker always
the boy who first handed me my own piece
in human form – himself
a blaze of bright yellow –
warming my formerly frozen core
parker

life is meant to be tough
full of obstacles that slow us down
forcing us to stay look and see

to climb is the reason we were born
into flesh form –
from the cloudy spirit world
to conquer the hills we have yet to
without an incline
our journey would be just a dull walk

fame stole my yellow

broadway shows
the never fail yellow station
"fill her up - high test"
as the orchestra tuned up
yellow –
glorious life altering –
soul fuel
pulsing yellow yes
always on broadway

in year three
it went missing
from my opening nights –
the attention on me
ruined it somehow
something was different
i was not alone in the velvet seat
a small part of the whole
i became part of the show–
people watched me watching
threw off the balance
it changed everything

the joy
walking in nyc - gone
finding the perfect cotton gap pull over
on the sale rack - none there
the beach – ruined
all of it’s there places had failed me
my yellow was officially missing

truth
your truth
what is it
and how much can you compromise
before it goes

i told the truth on my show –
year one and year two
enough to allow the yellow
it was there –
the show was a hit
yellow sells

my dreams of barbra and tommy
i believed in their yellow –
guaranteed goosebumps
i felt it in them
still do

here i was an unlikey winner
a fat irish gal from ny –
invited into the palace ball
real life cinderella
the public responded
yellow yellow everywhere

i was canonized the queen of nice
a misnomer 4 sure
you can develop a taste for worship.
soon as you do –
the yellow fades

yellow comes from living –
constantly working
makes creating impossible
what could i share with others –
when my truths
were becoming more and more unreal
i fell in love with kel
big yellow –
a life changing level of love

ok i reasoned with myself
i won't tell - but i won't hide
kel came places with me
the press knew - it was printed
but i never commented
it was ok for me
for a while

but the yellow we had together –
lost something by never being let out
truth - my truth
i had to go
return to myself
with maybe enough time
to detox my family
to get us all back to the yellow

last year i got a check
for 42 million dollars
i never see my money ever
i live with my atm card
600 bucks at a time

so this check arrives
at the money guys on a tuesday –
on thursday my agent asks how it felt –
to get a 42 million dollar check
i told her i didn't know i had
this upset her
she measures in money

i ask kel –
who does the money stuff –
thank god –
if i did get a 42 million dollar check
she said - without missing a beat
" yes but after taxes and commissions ...."

ok now there is something wrong here
many things in fact
first off - no one person
should ever get a check
for 42 million dollars –
it's absurd - obscene
and if that person
is not even aware that it arrived
some kind of altered reality happening

42 fucking million dollars
with taxes and commissions
only 24 million –
not too bad for a thursday
whose life is this?

so michael moore wins –
and up he goes in his sears polyester suit
in a size no one in hollywood
would ever allow themselves to be
he looked surprised - mikey did
the kid from the chess club
invited to the homecoming dance
wow
and then he did it
he opened his mouth
and actually said the words
he spoke the revolution
he told his truth
and they –
the ones who are not nearly as brave as he –
those clad in million dollar jewels
and almost believable lies
boo-ed him

fame forces you to be afraid –
to be removed from who you are –
alone in your dark private screening room
feeling michael moores yellow –
but too scared to admit in public
that it lives there

why did i leave my show –
it took my yellow
i wanted it back
without it i can’t live –
the gray kills me

"you cannot arbitrarily say to yourself, i will now continue my life as it was before this thing, success, happened to me. But once you fully apprehend the vacuity of a life without struggle you are equipped with the basic means of salvation"
tennesee williams

rich man poor man

i love the news cafe
tiny and trendy
yet real enough
2 survive the smell of tourism

susan is visiting
she needs a gift for her in- laws
an ash tray maybe a tacky frame
with MIAMI in day glo pink

i am lost in the sweatshirt corner
looking for a double XL –
even though the XL looks huge
to me it is never big enough
unless it says double XL.
and i wonder why i never seem able to lose weight
don’t fuck with me
i am a double XL

i walk into the tiny back room
i bet it was a walk in closet at one time.
there are floor to ceiling racks of magazines
a tiny dark brown bamboo love seat
a tiny table sits in front of it
i saw him come in
watched as he sat down
quickly

he is in his early 20’s.
he is handsome, homeless
and i think schitzophrenick
i am totally intrigued
captivated

susan and kel are 30 feet away
looking at towels
they slowly make their way into the space that holds me and the beautiful boy/man

i know his look would scare some
not me
i want to get right next to him
but i wait

he speaks finally
a whisper almost - a wish
“hi rosie” - he mumbles
his eyes move quickly around the room
not landing on me - ever
i turn toward him slowly
“hi - what’s your name?”
i ask extending my hand

he stares at it – then takes it
“michael...michael” - he says
and becomes distracted
i wait till me comes back
he does
“why did you shrink your hands?”
he asks, perplexed
i hold his eyes
“they are not shrunk, i am a woman, my hands are smaller then yours. hold yours up, i will show you”
he does and i do

he nods
but i do not think he understands
to him – it is obvious
i have shrunken hands
he sees my scar
traces it with his finger
“are you good with a sword - like dragons and castles?”

i wonder when he stepped off
decided medication
was hurting more then helping
when did he believe
he was well enough to go without
did he tell anyone he stopped
or did he just slip away
right before their eyes

“no i have never used a sword. i have never seen a dragon. are you on meds michael?”

he answered without thinking
rattled them off - i caught only a few klonopin, attavan and something- adol
he put his hand through his dirty brown mane and cracked his neck
i imagined him well
clean with a choppy hair cut
new abercrombie and fitch clothes
he could model
this boy with the sky blue eyes

i ask if he needs any money
“no i have money in my pocket”
“do you need anything michael?”
shakes his head smiling - then not
“nothing - are you on vacation now?”
no, i tell him i live in miami
as I am speaking
he gets up and walks away

i find my kel by the t shirts
i settle for an XL,
as there are no double xl’s
in all of Miami
i need a double XL
in black
it is slimming

we pay and leave and there he is
by the curb
smoking a cigarette
he nods at me
i nod back
i take the black t shirt from my bag and throw it to him
“i did not pay for this” he confesses
“i did, it’s for you”
he stares at me for a minute.
then says “rosie, you’re crazy.”
i laugh, yes michael, i know

the new tim daly show - eyes
is great
the guy from rich man poor man
plays the villain
triple love it

comments are back
as ping pong alone is no fun
at all

I met with a super blogger
computer god today
together we hope
to kick it up a notch
photos and flickr
who knew this would be such fun

idol

ok constatine
that's a movie
this rock star kid
who went to b way
and it felt ok
so he jumped
blindly off faith cliff
how bad could it be
really
american idol
hey it's ok

remember when he told his band he was going
my handsome hero constintine was ridiculed
but on he went

remember episode one
he was chosen out of the line
as one of the maybe you are going's
and he dodged the bullet

a daughter to the left
a sister to the right

right b4 he was saved
safe
i saw in his eyes
no fucking way
this cannot be the end

it wasn't
constintine
who looked kinda high
rocked the room

how bout that
i loved it

first time i saw that scotty guy
i said to kelli
he's a felon
last week in people mag
his mug shot

he shocked me tonight
i almost didn't believe it was live
it was
simon saying to vonzell
i was thinking about which black girl
would go first
as if the two of them
in the finals
was out of the question
he's an asshole

i wanna do rosie's broadway idol
all kids from the chorus
people u don't know
one after another
screaming sondheim
in the mask with vibrato
god's word signed
in the key of yellow

hold on
here we go

december 2002

my new daughter is not yet 2 weeks old
sleep has eluded me for a dozen days
linda ellerbee – newswoman – breast cancer survivor
and all around good guy
called to tell me her daughter had just gone into labor
in seattle –
could i – would i -
emcee the ny women in film & television event
in ny in her place
i thought no but said yes cause she is linda ellerbee
and so it goes

four women were being honored,
three whom i knew
i was to introduce them and be witty
i was
i spoke about my new child – kel giving birth
my wanting for an epidural during her delivery
i was funny - after 20 years of stand up
u can tell when it works

stand up is a challange
take what you observe
your truth
and make it universally understood
this is much easier when you are unknown
fame is odd
i have been at both ends of the fame game –
adored and abhored
hard to know which one is more toxic
currently i am not loved - but loathed

i left my show because i was done
i had climbed to the top of this illusive mountain
watched my millions - admired for my dedication
my focus my vision
i got there and looked around and guess what –
it is not as it seems
i expected something different –
something more... well
a kind of peace
the feeling i got while watching funny girl
it lived there - on the top of fame hill – or so i thought

i begged barbra to come on my show
she resisted - but then
in a personal hand written note
one i have framed
she warned me when we met - it would all be over
my thing for her - my dream
no i assurred her, it would not –
for i was a devoted barbra lover -
had been always
i would not falter in my adoration
as she was it – the keeper of the light
she was what lived at the very top of the mount
her and those like her –
something i would always strive to be

barbra was right and wrong
personally she exceeded my expectations in every way
but everything did change for me
a huge shift of perspective
the illussion of celebrity –
the distorted importance i placed on talent
the seperation of me - us and them
my world order had been shaken up
earthquakes n explosions - the lights dimmed
a vacant space lay where hollywood heaven had been

so i started rebuliding
the scaffolding is now in place
i pick my kids up from school each afternoon
pure joy - baby brain confessions from bubble gum lips

“you know mama i think i am in love with jenna”
my son said to the back of my head
how so i asked
"it’s like there is a magnet in my hand,
and one in hers
they just go together - our hands
like magnets – do you think that is love?”
yes parker, i do

i missed six septembers thru junes
chose to speak to strangers over the air waves
instead of my own children in the back seat

the afternoon pick up is at 3:15 –
i arrive before 3
parking is a challange – a huge one
as i have had a car and driver for the last 6 years
i am not quite the parallel parker i once was
i need two car legnths to get in and even then
i end up at an angle – the left side sticking out waiting to be hit
it is a sad scene

there are two spaces directly across from the school
no parking zones -
as another school has their entrance there
the spaces on either side of their driveway need to be empty
there are painted white strips on the pavement and a no parking sign

if i arrive at 3 and there are no double empty’s available –
i slide into one of these two easy to manuver spots –
trying to inch up as far as i can –
to give those leaving the other school some room
but make no mistake – i am in the no parking zone

in october the crossing guard told me i was in a no parking zone
“ yea, i know” i said kindly - taking no offense
i did know it was a no parking zone -
but that meant nothing to me

in november she told me i was going to get a ticket
"no problem” i said smiling
thinking how much could it cost? any fine would be worth it –
i walked on as the crossing guard nodded

so now it is december - the moms have gotten used to me
they kid me about my ugly car and my constantly paint stained clothes
they pass on recipies and advice on where to get the latest hot toy
i have made the transition – here at my kids school
back into almost normalcy

this time the crossing guard got her guts up
“ro you will get towed if you continue to park there.”
i stopped and looked at her face – she was concerned
she looked like my eigth grade algebra teacher,
trying to make me understand something i never would
"i will pay the ticket” i told her flatly
again she told me i would be towed –
i just did not really get it
so slowly, and with more patience then i have ever had she said
"it is illegal to park there rosie – you cannot park there “

the lights and sirens went off – bells and whistles rang
it clicked like algebra never did
there was no getting out of this – there were no exceptions
no special rules
i could not park there - that was that
it took me four months to understand

that’s why winona ryder stole that stuff from sacks
for too many years she could
i assume she started taking clothes years ago –
back when she was the it girl
with oscar nominations and famous handsome fiances
when her movies were making millions for many –
agents publicists covered her ass – i am sure
winona was allowed to steal - enabled
by those who knew there was more juice in the orange
anything to keep it flowing
she took – because she felt she could
and she was right – right up until they day she was arressted

i don’t know winona at all
she had been on my show – but that is 15 minutes
with the lights blaring and the cameras rolling –
there is no reality there – just illusion and promotion
but what i imagine –
is that winona reached the top and thought
"oh my god – this cannot be it”

winona horowitz - a jewish girl from northern california
who became a commodity too young –
a boundryless existence that every star has -
and came to realize it was all a charade
oscar nominated – hyper famous – the girl other girls wanted to be
who got swept away in the tidal wave of maddness –
celebrity in america

if winona rider was starring the the new james bond film –
we never would have heard about her stealing

celebrities are not people but commodities
shaped buffed molded and sold
humanity is not valued – image alone is
evolution and growth are frowned upon
you should stay that thing that they bought forever
gratitude and humility are all that is required

fine for products – not for people

so i do the women in film lunchen –
and i serve this up as my act –
my life – the view from where i now sit
people laugh –" a breath of fresh air...blah blah"
but - of course it turns ugly press wise
for the role i now play in society is that of traitor
i abandoned the throne of worship –
i walked away

what is real - what is not
you decide
moment by moment

20/20 in 20

i’m about to be on 20 /20
we were bumped last week
because of terri schiavo
or the pope
so now - in a matter of moments
me – us - ta dah !!!

I am sadly comforted by the fact
that we are following a story of
a heterosexual marriage
that ended in murder
perhaps making our gay life
a tad more palatable

I am forced to re evaluate
my kirstie alley comments
after seeing the teaser...
i am big and old and look
like i need a nap
watching myself is torture

I weigh the same as I did
when the show was on
but somehow
from where I sit now
next to kelli and without a desk
it’s shocking the way
i resemble my fathers sisters

i have to go back to lucille roberts
or stop doing interviews

I love jane fonda
a standing o on dave
how bout that
she glows
I’m half way thru her book
my life so far
a must read for gals everywhere
feminist - sister/friend
wonder woman
bravo

nightline

ted koppel is my hero
first defying the government ban
on showing faces of the dead
our kids all - gone forever
sent to die
by baby bush

now tonight - finally
the wounded ones
bodies ripped - minds ravaged
the truth of this insane "war"
for thirty minutes

limbless shattered
broken and brave
these amazing young americans
anwsered the call to duty
unlike the man who sent them to war
they served our nation

walter reed army medical center
filled to capacity
you have to see it to believe it
show us - please
the extent of the sacrifice
the cost of the lie
charred flesh
scorched souls

wmd
will many die
when men decieve
war means death

life liberty and the pursuit of happiness
guaranteed by the boys in philly
one hot summer - 200 plus years ago
we also were instructed what to do
should anyone try to take away those three
unalienable rights

whenever any form of government
becomes destructive of these ends
it is the right of the people
to alter or abolish it
and to institute new government

dan rather gone
tom brokaw done
peter jennings sick
ted kopple quitting

i'm starting to lose hope
courage comes from experience
who will slay the dragons
show the truth

public outrage spurned on
by free press images
of human suffering
ended viet nam
show us

bush was booed by the masses
in st peters yesterday
hardly makes news
in america

PREGNANT pause

my publicist is in a rage
on the LIE
someone thought
having only glanced
that my last post implied
i am preggers

reading comprehension?

in geometry
the only math class i passed
one had to agree with the givens
two parallel lines cut by a transversal
alternate interior angles formed are congruant

i am not pregnant
these are not poems
this is the book celebrity detox
i decided to blog it instead of publish
as warners felt my missives too cryptic
and well unworthy

so i gave em the money back
and googled blogger
the comments were such fun
till the bugs attacked
and i turned em off
as raid is deadly
for all

so now - today - some givens
i have 4 children
the youngest is vivi - she is 2
i am 43
the pope has died
i have a rock star in my swimming pool
who looks like eminem

life is good

making vivi

i buy fourteen pregnancy tests
the names amuse me
first alert - early response
something serious is happening

“that’s a lot of pregnancy tests,”
says the cashier – a lost osborne
blue hair and a nose ring
yes - I say smiling
but they are on sale

she stares – all goth
unimpressed or ignoring my celebrity
“throwing in a snickers for luck…
(dramatic pause) rosie”
a wink
i love teenagers


five days since insemination
yesterday I turned forty
today - a bold red plus
nothing tentative
an addition - absolutely


here we go - a new baby
born by christmas
smelling of heaven – peace – god
no matter what form she arrives in
single or twin - boy or girl
she carries with her a lesson for me
about serenity and surrender
safety and falling
faith and doubt –
work and love
she will show me
and I her
how to build a new self
or an old self now lost
bit by bit – day by day
my job is to show up
here we go

waffle house

in a large booth next to me
two children and an old man
tired and well-worn
his yellowed fingers hold a cigarette
with an impossibly long ash

he has greasy hair and a vacant look
i find eerily familiar
the boy is five - the girl about ten
she is chubby with a mom-did-it haircut

she sees me - looks away - then at me
then away again
i watch her feet swinging back and forth
not reaching the floor
she tries unsuccessfully
to get the old man’s attention
she never will

the waitress comes over
her name tag says Doris
she looks about seventy years old
her face has seen too many days
of sun and cigarettes

she takes my order
a waffle well done – and cold milk

people are turning towards my booth
thinking - that I look a little like me
then convincing themselves
it could not possibly be

the image of celebrity
is inconsistent with the “truth” of celebrity life

why would I be in a waffle house
in sweatpants, a ripped t-shirt
slept-in hair and no make-up

i am here to get a waffle
i hear my name whispered behind me
people assume i am deaf
i hear ya

a few minutes later,
a woman in a Publix green cashier vest,
and her hunky husband walk in
the booth comes alive
both kids now jump up
cheers of “Mommy! Daddy!”

after hugs and kisses they sit down for breakfast
the mother looks at me and smiles,
a glimmer of recognition,
but doubt wins out

her daughter says,
“mama, it’s rosie ”.
the mother smiles,
glances my way again,
and shushes her

doris brings over my waffle
the first bite is heaven
all hail the house
i want a maple syrup iv

i quietly ask doris for my check,
and for the publix moms too
she nods, hands me both
without asking why

back on the road again
i try to figure out the why
me - so compelled
no choice really

gifts are so rarely for the recipient,
so often for the giver

i remember sitting at the IHOP
after she died
watching my dad smoke and stare into space
consumed with what had become of his life
he had died too – it was plain to see
me - swinging my legs back and forth

i drive away from the Waffle House
sun on my face and tears on my cheek
i drive away from 1973
from myself - without even a hello

amazing race

the cute brothers with the bandanas
just flipped the jeep
my adorable gay boys
alex and lynn stop
of course

as rob and amber drive on
“i hope the aren’t hurt”
he says - which is sincere
i believe
but the concept of stopping – no way
don’t be ridiculous

i love them
i cant help it - i do
he is every boy in high school
i had a secret crush on
scary quiet almost men in
black t shirts and ripped jeans
rob

and the sweet old couple
good god – she fell in that well hell
come on – it ain’t fear factor
you almost killed a camera man
and nana gretchen

remember jenny jones
the contender
you can go too far

i think mr cochran
knew oj did it -
as so few murderers own
bruno magli shoes

hard to live with
i imagine

send

trials

see this man - marky h
has been summoned by the king
will he serve without thought -
will he fight no matter the cost -
is marky houser buyable ?

yes screamed the crowd
enthusiastic and proud
yes he nodded
not quite convinced

i found out
the moment he finished his questions
about the letter - i knew
no one owned marky h

he - a man - a stranger
privy to my creepiest corners
he has seen my twisted mind
guided only by some mad yellow truth
purging via keyboard - demons of the night

he knows - marky does
the parts i am most ashamed of
wrinkles - warts and cracks
he has seen inside

so he has me
i have been prepared warned
my guys - the good guys - who are all girls
made sure i was ready

in his hand the letter
i will forever call spousal privledge
although i name no personal e mails to kel
this one shall scream its name in bold
before anyone gets to see it

THIS WAS NEVER MEANT FOR YOU
YOU ARE READING THIS
BECAUSE I AM GAY
AND THEREFORE DO NOT HAVE
SPOUSAL PRIVLEDGE

"are you familiar with this document ?"
i avoided his eyes - may I read it
to refresh my memory
allowed - i knew

i felt each word as I read
four minutes maybe five
that doesn't seem long
but stop - now - look at your watch
do nothing for the next 5 minutes
now - do nothing

only then did i look at him
i stood before marky houser
naked and vunerable
and do you know what
he did not

now i knew
i felt - i prayed - i believed he wouldn't
but frankly i was starting to doubt
my instincts

allow the yellow

marky chose not to kill
light over dark
the potential of each soul

i saw it
i lived it - i have it on tape
as proof
not all men are alike

emotionally i was done
i cried for the whole weekend
a glorious rain of relief
i have been gone too long
away from myself
from my fear - my shame
from me

there is no get out of life free card
you may choose to sleep
or eat or run or fight
but do any one thing too much
to excess -
to fill up the aching part
only prolongs the procession

a pathetic pause
it doesn't take away the why
just the pain and after a while
not so effectively

if cnn covered our soldiers
our crippled casualities - sons and daughters each
returning from iraq -

1/2 as much as they do terri schiavo
this war would be over

martha beck wrote an amazing book
"leaving the saints"
while expecting adam
the yellow arrived
and they lived happily ever after
thank you - thank you - thank you

kanye west - take em to church
peace

transcript

"if the true story of northern ireland
during the years of the troubles
ever comes to be truly written
women will have a large part of that story to tell

i can think if thousands of women
throughout northern ireland
who through the darkest days
held their community together

i worked on the peace line in the 80’s and 90’s
it was interesting – ya know
i could cross the peace line
there was some danger but not an awful lot
cause I was considered – as a woman
neither orange or green

so that made work
as a community worker –
relatively easy
to form networks
and news networks are alive and thriving today
as they have never been

we believe that the new politics we are now creating
will incorporate the principals of
Equality - Inclusiveness and Human Rights

we have always said – and continue to say
that human rights and equality
are not a victory
for one group over another

they are the basic requirements
that must form the bedrock of the society
that we are building
a society which - we should feel proud
to be able to fashion for our children

i would like to see women get a more prominent place
in public bodies - in politics in particular
because there are a lot of issues
around children - around equality - around poverty
all the issues women have dealt with
on the ground
for years and years and years
are simply being put on the back burner

we come here today because we believe in
a just america
a good america
a strong america
able to help people here
and all over the world

we see humanity as our family
and we know that we are indeed
our brothers keepers
as a country we must re-claim our heart
and lead with love

we were all betrayed
by those citing the reasons for invading iraq
that shifted like desert sands

we were betrayed
by this administration that went against
the international community and called
millions protesting - a focus group

we were betrayed by a president
who on may 1st
landed on a photogenic air craft carrier
decked out with “mission accomplished”
and more of our troops have died since then

betrayed by an administration that allows our loved ones
to be occupiers – securing safety for
halliburton and bechtell to reap billions

betrayed by an administration that sought
to cut combat pay - as our president was saying
“BRING EM ON” to the armed iraqi resistance

there’s a lot of people saying
that for some unknown reason
I have some how become the mother of this movement
I didn’t choose this journey
but I am dammed well gonna make sure
my son did not die in vain
and if I am able
with the strength of my child
to touch the core that lives within you
we will take america back
because it does belong to us”


MOMS UNITE FOR PEACE WORLD WIDE
video at rosie.com

toronto

my tubby toe dips in
testing
a joke - a blog
how much is too much

at the airport - a young dad
holding a screaming baby
6 or 8 months i guessed
watching her yell

kel said don't

i see 3 moms stop
ask if he needs help
no he says
as she throws her head back
she is crazed - he is confident

ro - kel whispers again
the ticket woman says it
"doesn't he have a binky"
and off we go
talking about not knowing if we should
but wanting to
so

a male security guard stops
do you need a nurse he asks
the kid had some lungs
no again

moms think they know better

i go
kel looks away
how does she put up with me
hi i say tentatively
he nods
are you ok i ask him
yes he says
i have four kids
he nods again
ok - i go

wishing i hadn't

so we r at r gate
reading anne lamott's newest
plan b
amazing as always

i see a mom with a stroller
it's the same baby
almost asleep
she says hi first
a relief

we talk as moms do
she is a nurse
who had just come back from antarctica
an ice station
she was gone for 2 1/2 weeks
dad took care of the baby
alone
while she was away

i shared my angst
about trying to "help"
her hubby
she said she would have too
i love women

as we boarded r plane
he came over
dad - introduced himself
i love men

waiting to board
a handsome hulk
in a wheelchair
car accident - dead from the chest down
his will to live - i asked
his mom he said
pushing him - his sassy wife
met 8 yrs ago - 8 yrs after
"i picked him up" she winked

connect always connect

kel has been waiting
she waits a lot - she is better at it then me
at the plane entrance
a newborn in a car seat
beautiful hawaiian looking mom
he's stunning i say
thanks she says no smile
how old i ask - 3 months
she turns away

kel over heard her
b4 i got there
that woman hates rosie o'donnell
she is sure

seated a bunch of brown baby beauties pass
12 - 9 - 5
"look it's the beautiful family"
they laugh - kids get it
mom was away
a pilot in viet nam
dad lead them down the aisle
laughing and proud

comments r gone
poof - b4 the blog
became a drog
4 me

full disclosure -
i spell checked antarctica

the crusie

I knew it had to be a big boat. It had to have a strong engine to take us where we wanted to go, into new territory. It had to have an engine that thrummed, a handsome prow, and dark wood decking. It had to have a swimming pool with water peacock blue. It had to have portholes rimmed with mahogany. There had to be a high black railing over which you could lean, down, down, down, beneath you the sea, chock full of starfish and crab. We sailed on this sea, the first “gay family cruise” we pulled out of port on a Sunday, our spirits high, the ship’s flag snapping smartly in the breeze.

I had just come from making a movie. I’d been away filming for five weeks, a movie directed by Angelica Huston. A fun filled crew, and amazing role to play - artistic bliss. I’d come straight from the plane, to this ship, my hair a mess, permed and burned and red neck mullet-esq.

There were 1600 people waiting to board the ship. The line was half a mile long. I stood on the doc, holding Viv, because Kel was already on the ship, had been for hours, preparing. Ususally she would be the one to hold Viv. Viv always chooses Kel, and although it hurts my feelings a little, I know it’s my turn to be second. So I am.

But on the boat, the whole notion of second, or first, or third, fell away. There was a certain freedom. Right from the start it felt special. We felt like discoverers, explorers, seeing what lay on the other side of the horizen. We knew, all of us, that family has a wider meaning than most thought. Families are adventures, conglomerates held together not only by blood, but by desire, by common humanity. Mostly, we wanted to sail on the high seas, and decalre ourselves – here we are – and see how our presence might change the landscape we all live on together.

The cruise was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. It was truly magical – in the way Disneyworld promises, but isn’t. As soon as I stepped onboard, I knew I was home, and it had taken me a long long time to get here. There had been many mountains and missed paths. But I was indisputibly here now, with my whole extended family, my tribe.


I heard the groan of the boat as it pulled away from the port, and then we were out in the water. I looked up to see the bottom of the Brooklyn bridge. Later, I saw a dolphin swimming alone, like a man in a serious suit. But mostly what I saw were the people, my people, an equisite photograph even as they moved. I saw two buff boys in speedos smearing sunscreen like mayo on their tiny newborn. I saw women holding hands, and dark babies on bright white laps. I saw a child who was albino, her hair like floss, her eyes pure points of pink that reached up and grabbed my soul. I saw two newly wed women snuggling their brood of four, each from their own exotic land. Like the UN or a Benneton ad.

When we pulled into the Bahamas we were greeted by a sad gaggle of protestors, holding mis spelled placards of ignorance and shame. Claiming god was theirs and we were not worthy. I made me sad, and shocked still, to see people who thought our connection was bad, immoral. We are falling through space alone. TS Elliot said “connect, only connect,” and he was right.

One day, We anchored in the middle of the warm waxy ocean, beauty and babies all around. In the water I was weightless, I felt free.

My best friends Jeannie and Jackie were there. They’re not gay. Jeannie is pregnant; Jackie’s got four kids of her own. At one point we were all sitting in my fifty by fifty foot bedroom, and the chair beneath pregnant Jeanie broke; it cracked and split and we laughed; we couldn’t stop. We laughed until tears came out of our eyes and our faces were sweaty and red, and I thought I would pee my pants. I squeezed my thighs as tightly as a could then shoved my hand between my legs as if – to stop that tiny trickle of tinkle. Yes I am now officially at the age where I need a depends. Get me laughing and I am leaking. Enough said. Jeannie. Jackie. They are childhood friends and with them I am absolutely utterly myself, tear streaked and red faced, huffing and squeezing.

I care about families. I care about kids. I don’t care who or what they are, just that they live with dignity. Gay and straight. Big and small.
On the last day of the cruise two Long Island women with big hair and accents came up to me. “Listen Rosie,” they said. “We have to tell you something.”
“What?” I said, and they leaned towards me.
“We didn’t come on this cruise ‘cause we were gay. We became because we’re fat, and we knew on this ship, no one would make fun of us by the pool. Next year, we’re bringing our husbands and kids. This was the best trip of our friggin lives.”
And then they went away. I felt a tightness in my throat, salt, the sea air, grief and gladness together. Grief that there can be so much hate inside us and outside us, gladness that even in the midst of that we can find a way to travel together.

was that easier to follow
the way u r used to
commas and capitals
puncuated paragraphs
sweetly spell checked

these are not poems
she said again
to no one at all

birthday

just now
flowers from my tommy
here - in real life

pure yellow man
now always still

kelli

kelli n I went 2 mexico
early in her pregnancy
practice for my new life -
early retirement - married with kids

I hate vacations
to vacate - to go empty - that's what that means
we're going to a gorgeous resort
beautiful and perfect
dread - guilt - shame
I have no idea what I'll do there

we arrive - a panic attack
sweating - worried - tapping my right foot
i tell Kel that we have to leave
now - go home
relax ro - she says - breathe
I try - as she connects the computer

we go to the beach
sunglasses - too much light
after an hour - a staff member appears
"phone call" he says -
I look over at Kel
it has happened - no doubt
finally - the other shoe

kel walks into the hotel lobby
I wait on the beach
it takes her six minutes to come back
I know this because I do one Mississippi
slowly and I count

finally I see her - she is avoiding my eyes
crisis - i know it - epic
life as we have known it - is over

I will scream, pound my chest,
try to drown myself in the sea
as soon as she gives me the news

no eye contact yet - still
she can't even look at me
my heart's about to explode
this moment stretches to eternity
kel sits down, closes her eyes

WHAT!!!!!! - I scream at her.
what what - she says calmly
the phone - I grunt
“just my mom”
then she picks up her book
and resumes reading

I watch her - brains and beauty
unaware of all I have just been through
she reads, Kelli, my happy - non neurotic wife
my salvation - my life

i thank god for her - daily

annie

sorrow floats – that’s what he wrote
john irving –– hotel new Hampshire
two words one sentence
i never forgot it

i found out
yellow floats as well
half empty half full

painting now
i get covered daily – everywhere
yellow has been in heavy rotation
as is black and deep blue
but when i get in the tub
only yellow - hope
rises to the top time after time

i look for black –
scrubbing the calf i saw it on earlier
there deep in the dark bubbly beyond
nothing
just yellow - always yellow
floating on the surface
refusing to give up

soon after my show ended
i saw annie lennox in concert
bare her latest – beyond brilliant
if she had a blog
folks would tell her to cheer up as well

the apollo theater in harlem
she was amazing
i stood – as did all - all except him –
the small man with the wide glasses
busy scribbling notes
a reviewer

“ get up” i said smiling
stranger to stranger –
feel this

“dont tell me what to do rosie o’donnell – I don’t have to listen to you - only my wife tells me what to do”

she was standing next to him
moving to annie
she rolled her eyes

“hey relax dude – it’s all good”

and after the show
the wife gives me a note apologizing for her hubby –
telling me she had survived breast cancer
thanking me

on the way out we chatted
woman to woman
the cancer zone has no celebrity meter
so there we were – the 3 of us
waiting in the rush to get out
the husband had calmed
laughingly said it was his testosterone –
I nodded
men are a mystery

real life moments are coming back – slowly
walks to town – spin art – a movie in bed
pick up at school

chelsea announced in the car yesterday

“i really hope you don’t die until i am a grown up –
cause I don’t know how to do everything yet.”

yes i told her –
my open angel of a girl – i hoped so too
i will be here when you are grown chelsea –
i will be nana to your babies.

“i am not having any babies in my tummy –
i am having brown babies and horses”

she knows what she knows – my daughter
tomorrow I am 43
still feels like borrowed time

3.17.05

listening to mo
today being
surviving daughter day
the end and beginning
of everything 4 me

no blog today
i thought
this am
mourning still

the phone
kirstie w/ hurt feelings
i am sorry
4 that

but not the joke
the comment
the truth
about myself
at 220 - now

stand up
that feeling
like rap i imagine
spittin it - yellow

only the truth is funny

never been joan
kickin people when they are down
too ez - not me
u r not the target

once skinny u
cannot imagine fat sex
ouch - that hurts
even with the giggle

feels like u r visiting
planet fattie
temporary visa
pointing at us

we are very sensitive
it's not about u
kirstie -
u r a funny beauty
still - always

and on a side note
the best thing about blogging
is not having to call your publicist
to talk to people
no interpreters
direct me

out it flows
on dead mommy day
quicker then a ray of light

the L word

i am addicted
and somehow I got the mother load in the mail
the entire second season of the L word
In a pink cardboard three fold

my first instinct was to hide it
keep it all for myself
sad really
hoarding

bette has just screwed a stranger
drunk in ny
one time....... ok – well
she had a tool belt
its understandable
once (for tv)

but now
check please
tina walks
with el nina

i miss marina
jenny w/ shane is gonna rock
and new carmen
is scary hot

sunday night
appointment tv
4 r family
unless I give in

should I watch
see if alice gets her
lil martina
now or later

hating the scary man
with the camera
in the guest house
I will wait (shoulda kept tim)

my pal jane
sober 12 yrs
absolute sits in her freezer
still there? I ask
always - she smiles

newsweek wed 2:05

newsweek just credited me
as the author of sire of sorrow
a joni mitchell classic
as if

do you think the reporter
actually read the blog
did he try even
is it a he

there are quotes on that one
too
then
joni (bow)

see She wrote that part (in quotes..)

i was showing - how joni knows
about fame - about how my blog name
came 2 b
oy vey

it's no fun if you have to explain it
to be clear I never wrote

"once i was blessed
i was awaited like the rain
like eyes for the blind
like feet for the lame
kings heard my words
and sought out my company
but now the janitors at shadowland
flick their broom at me "

She did
all art flows thru joni mitchell

bulls eye

yes some of these essays are old
if it says tomorrow is thanksgiving
and i left my show a year ago
figure it was 03

may 22 2002
was the last one
been out 3 yrs
no parole violations

if you have a comment
make it good
unsigned posts - hardly worth the read
say it - in a way that sings
or stings
whatever you please

now eve piqued me
bulls eye painting...
interesting
not targets - just talk
it's me who gets the worst
in my act
always
still

the money thing
trying to keep it real
perspective skewed
as mine is

i remember not enough
for the stuff we needed
brown bag luggage
semi total food shopping

money = easier yes
agreed - a lot
but there is no magic pill
my futile point

disneyworld is not the happiest place on earth
and my whole childhood
was spent wishing for it
greener grass

kay sa rar

heres the best thing about blogs
dont read it if you hate me
do not click in
find someone better
there are millions
read their blog

it's free right
and relativly inaccessable
if it annoys you
stop - simple

or post
like eve
something cryptic and clever
with an A thats cleaver

and sign your name
sign your name

hip hop started out in the heart
now everybodys trying to cop

lauryn hill (bow)

dyslexia

ok this is bad
i am trying to come up with something happy
not because i am not - happy
i am
in fact i have never been happier

really how sad you can go
direct proportion to how happy u can be
and sometimes are
more times then most
lately

i did a dyslexia benefit last night
i mis read the invite and ended up on the wrong floor
true and mildly funny

i did a womens health initiatative benefit also
phyliss newman
sister - friend
rallying her gals
i loved it

last night
i said everything i already have
here in this blog
but out loud - on broadway
kirstie alley and jewish phone a friends
it was fun

stand up is like surfing
you have to drop in
and risk it
stay loose but focused

the rush
i curse too much
cause i am scared
i am not as good as i was

takes hard work
to get a new hour
to make it count
to say something
that matters

like kirstie alley not peaking at 201

it needs to be said
holler at ya fatties!!
lets picket - protest
we'll meet at wendys

it's all good

peace

st pattys

I changed the front rosie page
It’s me and my mom
Photos overlayed
The exact same pose
We
On st pattys she will be 32 years gone
I can just barely recall
the contours of her face


#####################################


This next one
Is from a book I wrote but decided not to publish
Celebrity detox was/is the title

I am getting paid 2 million dollars for this book. That’s a lot of money – Lauren slater – the un known and un named one who is the brains behind my first book. She turns a scrap of bread into a four course meal. And without her there never would have been
“find me”.

I called her up. I did.
Out of the blue ––
Lauren Slater –
who wrote books that spoke directly to me –
a poet who’s yellow is blinding beautiful
well this was my chance I thought –
the magazine - she will be the literary weight
she is how I want to write
I can learn from her
I dialed

she has never heard of me –
her kitchen is noisy and her mother is there –
but I knew from her books that the mom was a nut case
why was she at the home of Lauren Slater –
a woman I had never met
yet was sure would never have her mom in the kitchen

Somehow it worked.
I trusted and she did – and push pull –
I was right – I get her – she gets me.
Her crazy is familiar and welcoming
with her I am not alone.

She has one currency
truth – the most important one.
She needs to bathe more
I need to lose some weight.

Anyway Lauren doesn’t think I should tell you about the money -
cause you reading the book -
do not now - nor will you ever be paid 2 million dollars for anything –
and it will come off sounding cocky or arrogant.
It is an unreal life I lead.

Eminem would rap it.
Cause he writes what he lives –
faults acknowledged – irony cherished.

I am rich.
Richer then I ever thought I could be.
it feels odd
It makes my life so much easier in every practical way –
but it doesn’t change anything.

And I can hear it
“screw you bitch
I would gladly trade places
You think it is tough
And blah blah bah “

But folks – if I was you
and not me - I would want to know
From someone who has been there n back

you have it better – you do

It has been one year since my show ended –
I went to goosetown day school fair and ran the button booth –
and I was the field trip mother at the children’s museum with my 5 yr old –
and I know I have it as good as it gets.
So much help.
When I have had enough I go into my studio and paint. I do
For hours sometimes

When they write their books
“MOREMAMA DEAREST”
There will be a whole section about my daily absences from their life

I told kelli last week that the reason I became this successful –
I now think -
was cause I knew it was the only way I could parent.
With everything at my disposal –
I wanted ziplock bags - dixie riddle cups and lava lamps.
or I couldn’t do it.
I am not that brave.

So I left my show.
I was offered 50 million to stay
unreal
everyone told me I was being an ass –
except kelli

And my life is better.
And my best friend is still Jackie and always will be.
I am happier then I have ever been. I am adjusting
I talk too loud in a group –
I cannot parallel park -
I try to control things I shouldn’t -
I worry.

Celebrity is a drug
It is held up as the answer and never turns out to be.
ask joni – ask marshall

peace

miami mark

so i drove alone
to eckerds
miami is home
always was

I see him
vibrating – one eye slower to track
not quite lazy but mis wired
I am in a convertible
and I feel his stare
as I pull up

he walks over as I say half aloud
here we go

his name is mark
And he is 33
He shakes my hand
He tells me he is homeless
Been so for a month

On meds I ask
Yes he lists them
And what else…
Crack he says

Tomorrow is thanksgiving

Can I do him a favor and call his mom?
His girlfriend has left him for a woman
No I say as I hand him 10 dollars
But now - you can

But it would mean so much coming from me
Yes I tell him – too much

I go into eckerds
I buy three nerf balls for the kids
our house looks empty
during the law suit darkness
I thought I could live without it
I cant –this home is heaven
Our nerf balls were soggy

He is waiting for me when I come out
This 33 yr old homeless handsome man named mark
And his friend runs up
Drunk and sunburned
Meathead meets brian Wilson
Shit - he says and drops his plastic bag
It is you baby
A hug
And I do

You know rosie – you came out ok in that lawsuit
I followed that
You were like hey fuck you
Right
You said hey fuck you

Yes I did

And his face beams
Like a dad on a little league field
As the ball flies over the fence

Mark knows nothing of what he is saying
He has not followed the case
He is confused
“she won’t call my mom” he tells him
nodding at me

“but I gave him money to call”
I say too desperately

A boundry
I wanted to scream
Did you see that – I just did it
No I cannot get involved mark
No
I have too much
I can’t be your tether

The beach boy asks how much money
Mark shows him the ten
“that’s my girl” brian bellows smiling
as he opens my car door

I get in
out of the rear view window I watch
They get smaller – waving – happy
And over

Maybe it is a new day

married again

Judge says California can't ban gay marriage
By HOWARD MINTZ
San Jose Mercury News

A San Francisco judge on Monday declared California's ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional, the first such ruling in the state's history and the first in a legal battle that is now destined for the appellate courts.
Superior Court Judge Richard Kramer concluded that it violates equal-protection rights of gay and lesbian couples to deny them the right to marry, making him one of a number of judges around the country to recently strike down laws forbidding same-sex unions. The judge ruled in a case brought by a dozen gay couples seeking the right to marry, as well as San Francisco city officials and civil rights groups who've challenged existing state law.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

how about that?
we have been un-annulled
feels nice
now get ready

cause all we r gonna hear about are
"activist" judges
anyone who doesnt agree with g
is an activist judge
who can't be trusted

3 branches of government
judicial iz one
check and balance boys
dems da rules

will gw have the class of eisenhower
who did not deride earl warren
the big chief - ike said
"there must be no second class citizens in our country"

and we moved forward as a nation

everybody breathe

BOSTON

the comments
well it's hard to read them
impossible not to
pesky pandora

first off thanks for looking
worry not though
i am not sad
these are not poems

michael jackson in his pj's made me cry
why has mario quit american idol?
the shick intuition razor is the best invention
since the tampon multi-pack

i went to sommerville this weekend - a suburb of boston
to raise money for the public elementary school
they need books - in a public school - in america
it does not make the news

stories of teachers buying chalk and paper
out of their un-imaginably small salary
students sharing desks - text books
here in america - democracy

we are force feeding this ideal
to the world via violence
with a cooperating corporate mass media
as nixons crimes pale to white
in comparison

we impeached him

i am waiting for my 20 something
woodward and bernstein
to make their way to the surface
and claim their place in history

in todays world dan rather gets fired
for his attack on g's character
his mistake - he thought the fax was real
out he goes - traitor

we live in dangerous times
when our childrens childrens
will ask us
"what was it like then - when democracy almost died"

and i will tell them of the heros
who were smart and brave enough
how they worked together
how they saved our country
from itself



solo luminus - erasure

missing

the last time we spoke about anything sean penn was in iraq
she was outraged - couldn’t believe him … “who does he think he is going over there”
i took a breath looked up and said
“i think he is brave, i wish i had his courage, to say with whatever fame you may posses –NO WAR!”
that was the end of the conversation

well a year had past since sean won the oscar -
we are even father apart
a few months back she asked if i saw the passion of the christ -
she used the full title
yes I told her - I did
what did I think , she asked

“it was kinda boring and too bloody - braveheart was a better film"

she loved it - the most overwhelming 3 hours of her life
she did not think it was anti semetic at all
she thought mel gibson was brave for making it

brave - hmmm
was she looking for a fight? testing the water?
i asked about the comments attributed to mels father
that the holocaust never happened
she answered with
“ well he is old and they rang his door bell and it was taken out of context.”
I said nothing

trying for civility – wish for a moment of something
i told her my kids missed hers
“oh yea” she said
yea - i said
her turn for nothing

“you do realize i got married?” i asked
although we spoke since my very public wedding
her only comment was
“so how was san francisco?”
lovely this time of year
endless nothing

we hung up

that night I saw angela shelton on 48 hours
angry – incested - out going - beautiful - insane
she showed the underbelly – the gross ugly parts
the sin and the shame – regret and pain
she called for others from her tribe
they all showed up - howling

now her movie – searching for angela shelton is brave
but mel – christ – safe easy
not so brave

i have questions i am not allowed to ask
as birthdays go un noticed
stinging every time

she is gone
i never thought it could happen

i saw a documentary about siamese twins in ireland
beautiful little toddlers
their cells intertwined
the parents made the decision to separate them

one died - the other recovered
and spent the rest of her life
looking over her left shoulder
for the one who used to be
part of her

blogging vf

NOT OFFERED FOR THE TRUTH 2002

so judith newman writes a shitty article about me for vanity fair
she feels – I imagine - guilty for doing so –
as it sucked totally - full of nothing

so as the trial ends and we await
judge gammermans decision

her need to apologize gets the better of her
she e mails me

i wrote another essay about her
an essay very much like this one
and when I got sued
they copied my hard drive
and used all essays like this one
as evidence
of...........

there it was - in one of these
i described judith newman as a "nerdy jewish woman"
which she is

g&j thought they had a slam dunk
anti semite cancer curser – hip hip horray !!!!!!

by the time I got to my deposition
I knew where they were going
kel had had hers and
warned me

you are not supposed to talk about your deposition
to anyone
but you do

so when I sit down face to face with him
in my depo - I tell him
marty - the nebbishy jewish below average lawyer
before we start – I say hey

“listen my kid had a briss - on the 8th day -
performed by a moyle - I buried his foreskin in the backyard”

this is no joke
stunned silence
he does not quite know what to do with me

i also tell him
as I am clipping on the microphone
that the woman in “find me” is real
we went on vacation together
she does exist

free-bees-4-marty
then we start

so judith e mails
after the trial ends
but before the judge decides if they owe me money
or I them
the money thing
it fucks people up – always

she says something like
“ i may be a nerdy jewish gal –
but i told you they would sue you …
wanna have lunch – I don’t welch on a bet”

that was what the e-mail said
a fact – I still have it – somewhere
the truth – judith felt bad

so I e-mailed back
something short and witty
“but judith you don’t tell the truth”
send
and an reply zipped along cyber sapce back
how I lied under oath…

‘cancer curser ‘

during my deposition I was asked
if lying causes cancer
no I said –
but truly it isn’t a yes or no question
it is – like life – complex and intertwined
mental spiritual and physical health
all strands of a french braid

did I lie when I told marty I don’t think lying causes cancer
no – not to me – if that were a "real" fact
we would all be dead

but on the whole – do I think being a good person
knowing your teammates - playing fair
loyal to a t -
increases your chance for health
yes I do

I didn’t respond to judith newmans last e mail
full of how hard it was for her to write the vanity fair piece
how much she worked...... blah blah blah
judith newman - she also told the ny post
that I did not like people with cancer or jews

remember that next time you read one of her celeb profiles

I forgive you judith newman
as she swears she doesn’t want it
yea - send

b4u

vivi

according to my books
just about now your spine is finishing its formation
you have, holding you up, a bony string of pearls
but they're not pearls viv they're stronger than that
i've looked into - it concerns me -
the fact that it concerns me concerns me

here is what you need to know
bone is harder than diamond
and left in the earth it can take over ten thousand years to decay
as for the spine itself, its not one bone but six hundred leggo-ish pieces
that snap together and are padded with plush cartiedge

we developed spines - as a species
when we walked out of the water
you are a land animal - vivi

without our spines we would sag
with them - we are exactly as high as a human should be
an intact spine has six times the strength of steel
remember that - viv
always

mama

after da press

" Once I was blessed; I was awaited like the rain
Like eyes for the blind, like feet for the lame
Kings heard my words, and they sought out my company
But now the janitors of Shadowland flick their brooms at me
Oh you tireless watcher! What have I done to you?
that you make everything I dread and everything I fear come true?"

joni ( all bow)

thats where the title of this blog came from
once adored
sire of sorrow played
for a year solid in my studio
she saved me - joni

marshall too

"Everything could have been so perfect
But life ain't a fairytale, I'm about to be hoist up in the air
Forty feet below me, there's people everywhere
I don't even know what it feel like, they know me cuz I'm in this ferris wheel
And all i wanna do is go to the mall and take hailie on the carousel
Without this crowd everywhere I go, but life is like a merry-go-round
Here we go now, doe see doe now, curtains up, the show must go now
Ring around the rosie, the shows over, you can all go home now
But the curtain just don't close for me, this ain't how fame is supposed to be
Where's the switch I could just turn off and on, this ain't what I chose to be
So please god, give me the strength to have what it takes to carry on
Till I pass 50 back the baton, the camera's on, my soul is gone"

i love that guy

so we had a blog crisis yesterday
and this afternoon
friends who care
trying to sheild me from the haters
went 2 battle 4 me
i am against war

i love our warriors
soldiers trying
in hell
bring them home
leave syria and iran alone

so it got crazy there
but we have righted the ship
i think
onward folks
this way

painter

curious g
it is me
yellow tex
back in the swamp
knowing you are long gone

as it should be
still - though
feeling it all
as i again
venture out - this time
a path more true
one you showed me
back when I knew only doubt

and now what is it
i want - she asks
my puzzle piece perfection
wondering if the click she heard
was real - it is
two peoples we

nothing and everything
a thank you
a how are you
now is now
remember
then

and maybe none of the above
no happy ending
no reprise at all
a missing muse
one so glorious - so pure

too long ago
you and me - never a we
but the pull - the knowing
the yes I felt
still feel
in the wilderness

i am screaming
begging
wishing
wanting
to know you now
again and always

lauren

fake name is my shrink
after columbine I needed meds
and got em
from her
whom I love

she is tiny – size two
amy irving jewish beautiful
she has kids in high school – I know cause they call
and she takes the call during my session
which I love
hold on - she says to me – no matter what
and I get to watch her mother her child

to me - it sets things right
she is a mom first - then mine
true real
no bull shit

yes- by all means adjust her life vest
tenderly quickly – she knows - the kid
by moms clipped words
someone is there
asking for help
someone who also feels they are drowning
yet the kid knows
her mom will always pick up the phone for her
no matter what
that’s why I love my shrink

after I “came out” as a depression sufferer
I was asked to speak at many a mental health seminar
already overwhelmed - very busy saving the world – I said yes
a suicide prevention dinner
I was unprepaired

marriot marquee
lois walks me in thru the kitchen –
I felt like elvis presley – a head of state
a great fake important me

I greet every person I pass
shake any outstretched hand
speak my tiny spanish
we are the same – you in here serving
and them/us/me out there eating

I walked into the banquet hall–
the stage was at the far end
no way but thru
so many souls to pass

hands with photos – faces of the ones gone
pain loss and regret
thick as syrup
pleading eyes broken souls
some asked to hug me
some stood head down
shoulders shaking

the spot light hit me
as my name was announced
awarded for admitting I was depressed
speak - I heard inside
softly

my words I cannot recall
but tears rolled as they flew out
how do we save the ones who want to give up ?
one at a time and with as much patience as possible

my shrink was there
having seen me live from sept 99
to here – today - standing up –
telling others
take the medication
grab anything to stay afloat
I swear to you there will be days better then this

and to you - the devastated left
know they tried as hard as they could
but the bottom beast is strong and seductive
they loved you

I am done and she walks towards me
my shrink – my savior
comes over and hugs me
introduces me to her husband
then goes back to her seat

touched and true
my shrink has taught me
boundries provide security
they can actually help
make the rules fit you

insanity and creativity
2 sides 1 coin

rest in peace spaulding gray

oNe woman

oNe woman -the dodger stage

zimbawe
toni childs union
screens on monitors
some large some small
all hold the same image
photos or art work or newspaper headlines
war

I am in black - dance - move - interpret the song
images in back of me
pertaining to the “point - focus “ of the song
war

barbra kinney photos
and dancers join
also in black
mothers

next

a taboo number
screen footage from the doc
quick cuts
me and george fighting
raul's rant
putting it together
to il'adore

then

the magazine court case
sire of sorrow - joni mitchell
full orchestra
screen - headlines papparazzi photos
nancy grace whispering
“she could very well (pause - look down) lose everything” (cartoon eyes)


on stage yoga stuff
staying centered
removing the large t shirt
a yoga tart
one fat girls don't wear often enough

finally

birthing viv
shawn colvin - i don't know why
screens - family
and yellow and audio kanye west mix
take em to church

and…blackout

art

are they for sale
not yet - we cant figure it out
art for good
take it all

here's the short version
i started on canvas after 9/11
newspapers photos tissue tears
ripped up by me
glued into place
painted over

then just paint

then p town
6 months after tv
saw a painting at a tiny gallery
that moved me
i never bought a piece of art b4
the guy in the place said it was 6000 dollars
and even though i am rich
it seemed insane

"now mazda has a truck for just fifty seven ninety five ---saints alive"

looked at kel
she said go on
but... well....i wasn't sure
i asked the man if it was titled
cause i never name mine
and he said 9/12

spingle
i bought it
met the artist and his mom
both familiar
known almost

the canvas would not fit on our car
so mother and son said they would deliver it
the perks of fame - a week later
they arrived with left over hot wings
perfection

so the mom asks what i am gonna do with all the paintings
there in my first garage studio
i told her to take em
to sell em if she could
to give my profits to charity
she did
it worked well

then fame came it
and it got all nuts
my only rule was
i wont go to my openings
i went to four
torture

so i got em all back
1600 canvas sit
in a storage unit
with a padlock
around the block

i spoke to the mom recently
the son no longer painting
ahh life
i took 9/12 off the wall
and started chipping at it
layer upon layer
wood foam plastic
glued stuck together

i put on the black album
loud as it goes
when it finished
i was done

left under more paint
then i have ever used ever
was bright yellow

gregg's heart
i call it - it's not for sale

and now again
this lil blog thing

david karr from the ny times
a paper i have only just started to read

asks me
is it you - the blog
and howard
and my trial
and it all churns over and over

what do you want to let it
it is a choice we make
moment 2 moment

keep it real
the only rule

delete forever

in the interest of truth
i have removed
6 posts
from folks with charming names
and thoughful remarks
ranging from
"YOU SUCK FAT PIG DYKE" to
"HEY BIG HEAD - YOU ARE SO FAT"

i clicked and poof ---
you are gone but not forgotten
your words resonated and were felt
you hate me
stranger
hear ya - loud and clear
feel ya - i got it boys

now go in peace
knowing i know

i suck - in your world
noted

stay away from the dark side luke

STERN

george o'dowd
wrote a new book
i am cast as a villian
a pottery barn lesbian
not quite gay enough

my knighted gay brother
called to tell me
we laughed
georgie boy .... unreachable

fame is fun again

i love the super nanny
this could be englands most vital export
a beautiful bundle of brains and braun
teaching US the basics of child raising

i wish they left the camera on 4 real
when she checks the dvd to see
how the family is doing without her
4 real

she should go to washington next
put condie rice in the naughty chair
she scares me condi
i expect her to unzip her skin
and have dick cheneys twin brother step out laughing -
like on scooby doo
"on my god - that voo-doo man/monster is really the owner of this abandoned amusement park!"
we been punked

howard stern reads this blog
that may not seem odd to u - but it is to me
now i want it to be brilliant
howie and marshall did all the heavy lifting
back in november
big props

almost did it
won in my mind
as the bad guys cheated - cause they can

i turned off comments after i heard
fearing his 17 yr old angry boys
of my high school days
calling me names

"fat head bla blooey lesbo freak dyke"
yes - got it
guilty

not quite freaky enough for the boy - however
i was 1980 student council president
hi ho hi ho - off 2 the mall i go

i am thinking about going back on tv
how when with who
details....

ka

she is chatting with larry
she still giggles like a skinny girl
someone should tell her fat gals
can't pull it off

she told matt
she started at 201
losing weight isnt difficult for her
she has lost 20 lbs
so far
she says
jenny craig is easy

i fear a train wreck
the zeal of the almost converted

i know no one with the kind of papparazzi hell she describes
not even madonna
and she's elvis

20 minutes and counting
fat actress
hmmm
i bet i hate it

"fat sex is when your attention would be on your fattness instead of who you are with"
"billionaires don't want fat girls"

the worst part of being fat - again she lost 20 lbs , she says
she lost her agility and the
first class seats were suddenly so small

POP

was is it with scientologists?

ok she owed money to the irs
and this is her hail mary
i will try to cheer her on
as if she were
a friend

3 of my four kids are up screaming
later

commack

finally they caught him
the son of sam
i was in high school
scared out of my mind
terrorized by my television
the sniper who stood
next to his kills

my brother danny was dating a woman then
last and only one i think
sharon flood
one of two black families in a high school of thousands
they - danny and sharon
were making out in the volarie

i was fourteen
my mom was dead
my dad on a date with jill
and me and maureen
were watching eddies friends hang out
in our house - where no one was
besides nana

who could not see or hear or move very well
but nana was there
she showed up and stayed
willed - till we were all almost grown
women are so strong

maureen and I were crying
begging danny to leave the car
there in suburbia we screamed
“stop kissing and save your life”

son of sam was caught the next day
on his way to obi - so the legend goes
the very place we ALL were that next night
all of us
every 42 year old in the tri state area

drama is as drama does

his name was david berkowitz
i saw his picture in the paper and was shocked
he looked like someone I went to high school with
a kid with crazy hair and beige clothes
nearly normal

i thought about him all night
and the next day - he was the only
topic discussed

long island - new york -
you are one of 2 things
catholic or jewish
there was one protestant in Commack
jean soul
i thought her an oddity

i cannot tell you how shocking it was to find out
in real life
the jean souls are in charge

so one of the neighbors was babbling
and I listened entranced - mothers
still can have all my attention
mother me and I am yours

“my god - I heard berkowitz and the shame - son of sam a jew? - I thought I would plotz - then I heard it - ADOPTED son. Thank god we don't have to claim him!”

she did not want to carry the shame
the association
unreal and absurd as it was
she did not want son of sam on the list of jews
can you blame her

and that's what I learned as a kid
you are part of something bigger
you represent something when you become a topic of
conversation in America

who claimed you theirs
and would they ever want you off the list
away from them
ashamed

celebrity happens
then it all goes to shit
literally
you have taken a hit off the metaphorical crack pipe
you are done

you start to listen to others instead of yourself
you worry
somehow you will be found out
a fake - unworthy
not quite good enough
… you move further away from yourself

and your image becomes just that
you believe a tv rating means something
so you try to get more points
which really are people
to adore you

cause you had 5.6 million in year one
and if you could only be funny enough now
and tone down the columbine nra shit
and relax ro
just relax

almost three years now
why ? to re claim myself
to find my tribe
I had left them long ago
they know who they are

the ones who grew up loving Julie Andrews
and still do - stuffing their size 20 ass
into size 16 stretch jeans
the moms who try to find the funny
in a life that is too often without
coupon clippers and claustrophobics
bi-polar but afraid to get diagnosed
cause the stigma feels somehow worse
then the disease

straight and gay and in between
we grew up believing there was a wizard
no man behind the curtain

i am not normal
this has always been true
and why you loved me
was I was so like you
the odds of the me from 17 rhonda lane
to the SHE of ROSIE O'DONNELL
one in a google
nothing happens by chance

here is what I think

teachers need to be paid more
the war in iraq is wrong
george bush is a disaster - dangerous for the world
racism exisits and sucks
nurses rock and derserve more respect
too few people have too much of the money
and most of them don't want to share
shocking
to me

i believe in democracy
in freedom
in peace equality and art

choose the light
be claimed
declare yourself
with grace if possible

BIW

tethered

furious
gale force winds
threatened to snap her lines..
strengthened by her anchors
encouraged by unknowns
she remains
shaken and stirred
as always determined

the resolve evident in her gaze
audible in her silence
present in perseverence
her fierceness
a palatable result of afflictions
sensationalized
serious
scarring

jack hammers unearth the soil;
a bitter bile
reality
difficult to swallow
impossible to ignore

alas, courage forged by fire unfurls
she stands once again
undaunted
fearless
undeterred vision
unobscured heart

the winds
they threatened to shatter and destroy
but she is tethered
to the strong
she remains
aggressive

Bold - Incandescent - Woman

academy awards

chris rock rocked
hosting is a thankless job
you work for free
for the honor
and you try
to shine

comedy is hard in hollywood

i presented once
1992 - my 30th birthday
it was surreal

best animated short
i considered doing a danny devito joke
but did not

best foreign language short
i memorized the names
uber tison and didiaye flamon for la vise
i said it over and over
a thousand times before that night
executed it flawlessly
then smirked
tiny laugh

i did not go to any parties
i took my huge gift bag
back to the 4 seasons
and investigated my new loot
all of which i left for the maid

gluttoney

and was anorexia at a new high this year
or is my perception off
i have been at the mall for 3 years now
and to me
renee zelweger looked sickly skinny

i saw an amazing documentary about jockeys
how they all starved themselves
how the weight limits were un attainable
rampant disease
a place for them to vomit in the bathroom
specially made

they were expected to hurt themselves to be the best
and many did
it was heartbreaking
after one too many died
they started speaking out
eventually
the weight limits were changed
many lives were saved

does anyone believe kirstie alley is now 183 pounds
why am i so obsessed with this
i am
in hollywood - you can even sell a show about the truth
with a lie
i hope her show is a huge hit and she never loses a pound

my new goal is simple
this will be as large as i get
i am now at my peak
my goal is to gain no more

i think i can do it

and let's hear it for america
yesterday we decided that we would not kill children

the college dropout

so this kid is a beat maker - for others - produces a ton of hits for rap royalty- almost gets his own deal - goes back to chicago - gets in a car wreck - almost dies - defies the odds - still has ticks sometimes - never when he is rapping - rapped when his jaw was wired shut - this would be an amazing movie
but it is the real life story of kanye west

[J.Ivy:]
We are all here for a reason on a particular path
You don't need a curriculum to know that you are part of the math
Cats think I'm delirious,
but I'm so damn serious
That's why I expose my soul to the globe, the world
I'm trying to make it better for these little boys and girls

I'm not just another individual, my spirit is a part of this
That's why I get spiritual, but I get my hymns from Her
So it's not me, it's sHe that's lyrical
I'm not a miracle, I'm a heaven-sent instrument
My rhythmatic regimen navigates melodic notes for your soul and your mental
That's why I'm instrumental
Vibrations is what I'm into

Determination, dedication, motivation
I'm talking to you, my many inspirations
When I say I can't, let you or self down
If I were of the highest cliff, on the highest riff
And you slipped down the side and clinched on to your life in my grip
I would never, ever let you down
And when these words are found
Let it been known that God's penmanship has been signed with a language called love
That's why my breath is felt by the deaf
And why my words are heard and confined to the ears of the blind

I, too, dream in color and in rhyme
So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house
Cuz whenever I open my heart, my soul, or my mouth
A touch of God reigns out

(take em to church)

buy this cd - soak in it - very yellow

fragments

if i write for you
i start to think
edit distort destroy

it comes in pieces
like lyrics
a secret code

since leaving
been painting
loud crazy insane

this is freedom
pick your poisin
free of pain

ok so now
sunny in miami
i grab kanye west
a few kids
and boat float

fat celebs

celebrity fit club just ended
danny baldwin needs help
but you have to wanna stop
again
I am sure danny’s tired
addiction is a beast

these fatties are brave
getting weighed weekly
watching and raging
bravo!!!!! I scream at the screen
then cringe

earlier this evening
kirstie alley told matt lauer
that her fattest was 201
I almost choked on my yodel
I am 220
fess up kirstie - 201 my ass
i started to fume
till

bald melissa talking about the glow
the beauty
Coming thru living in her
The yellow

the Snapple lady looks like marilyn
beaut with the tiny dog
same body
same feel

I spoke to flavor flave
foofy foofy
last week while he was at the view
foofy foofy – sundays on vh-1
i'm chaka kahn...

michael heads back to court
spider bite flu vittalago
I wish I could fast forward
to the end
too tragic

kanye west is connected
only one more weekend
let freedom ring
alpha step omega step

moms

i am in miami - the fuel
dolphins with my baby boy

mothers are the key

recently sharon stone spoke up at some
HIGH POWERED POLITICAL SUMMIT
not a black tie celebrity flash bash
she reached into locked pockets
her looks hiding her brain - brilliant really
she raised over 1.3 million dollars
in 20 minutes

she hit it out of the park
sharon stone - bravo
humbled apologies
with respect

nothing is constant but change

i saw on cnn
in the paper
an ariel shot of some place in iran

wake up moms
we have seen this before
iraq - remember
same photos
same terror talk

1,300 of our kids dead
130,000 innocent iraqi's
but who is counting

moms - it is up to us
no to iran
no to syria -
no to north korea

no you cannot have our sons and daughters
no - no
i am the mom - that's why
no

quarters

the visiting area looks a lot like an ER waiting room
people in folding or plastic chairs
cramped quarters

you here them jiggle - constant
pockets with coins
crashing moving talking

the women looked familiar
like the ones at lucille roberts
like me and sharon

all in tan kakhi's and green oversized wool shirts
pressed with a crease
and dark brown leather work boots

she took hers off
to stretch her feet
and i noticed we had the same socks on
hers prison issued- mine from target
we both laughed

i signed some autographs
she was not allowed to
i'm not sure why

she looked radiant
which shocked me
fit - her skin and hair perfect
palmers coca butter she told me
yes - i agreed
an excellent product

i was happy to see her
so well - strong - smiling
made me feel like women are invincible
we can survive anything
and we do

she's done march 5th

michael jackson

ever since mitch took away my paintings and collages
I stopped making them
he told me when we met - i should not paint for him
only myself

you cannot control the monster
the big black dog
when he arrives
treat him well – let him sleep
when he is ready
he will go again
you will feel better
then after
like childbirth
you will forget how bad it was

Ok Michael Jackson

like paula
caught and cuffed
paula - the girl who peels the skin from her hands
for years she bandaged them
like Michael and his nose
truth got out –somehow i knew
paula was a picker
till it hurts – bleeds – no longer is

she pled no contest
with nearly no press coverage
her court date was sept 12 2001
lucky girl

Ok so back to me

i am reading twyla tharps book on creativity
she knows of what she speaks
like george of the jungle
who i no longer know
it makes me sad
cause she showed me how to live

I feel better
like almost normal
I can see my body now - I am quite fat

my knees hurt and my hips
i am 42
i need to move like twyla says

I met her once
backstage – opening night at Movin Out
she was calm – I was crazed
trying too hard
needing her to know - that I knew - that she was the real deal
pure yellow – twyla tharp
i may have scared her

one thought has been with me these last few weeks
a man on a roof
water rising
3 different people offer him help
he says no
god will save me
he dies
yells at god in heaven – where the fuck were you?
well she says – who do you think sent those boats...

Bea Arthur exits

so I am writing
letting it fall in the form it does
i am trying not to think or edit
to just let it out
now

I must start moving

here is what i would say to Michael Jackson
“take off your glasses
look me in the eye – last chance kid
you had it once – some direct line
out of every pore it flowed – you pulsed yellow

then came world wide recognition of the IT none can name
talent – no beyond talent
Michael - you used to glow
but then you got famous and Mikey
you had no tethers – no one to ground you
i get that

you need an interpreter
wounded one – lost boy
tell me what you did to your face ..
let’s start there Michael
save yourself - you must tell the truth
ask the yellow to help you be brave
tell me how many times you hurt yourself
carving out the parts that offend
changing the man in the mirror”


his plastic surgeon should be arrested

in the movie in my mind
he is innocent – he never did anything wrong
no jesus juice – no porno magazines
in the movie - he is pure

not likely – i know –
michael is gone
all bets are off

so here is what I think
at some point in his life
disconnected from the source - the yellow
the music stopped coming
his face kept changing
he would get it right, back – fix it
somehow – curing sick children
blessing them
showing them
saving them

and now the media madness begins
nancy grace on court tv cracks me up
whenever she says CANCER victim
she looks down and pauses – pure drama
“let’s not forget Larry this was a CANCER……….. patient”

whisper the scary parts - lord voldermort

Michael Jackson does not believe he is a child molester
and if someone were to convince him he were
he would have to die – literally
his denial is his only survival
as the vultures hoover and descend
the sadness overwhelms me

melissa

did you see missy e
screaming janis
with sparkling eyes
rocking the house
bald and beautiful

we met when i was a vj
and she a new artist
now as moms
friends for real
i cried as the goosebumps
curled up my spine

take it - take another little piece of my heart
she did
rock star - survivor - crusader
il adore

magazine hell

he will never believe it , but dave eggers first book was a heartfelt work of staggering genius

while in a deposition for my magazine lawsuit – i heard a woman i respect say she thought my book was untrue. untrue was such an interesting choice of words - i wanted to ask her why - but you are not allowed to ask questions – when you are the one being sued –– you have to just sit and watch them ask questions about you while you are there - as if you weren't. it is quite odd.

and i was there only because my lawyer thought this one woman – would be swayed by my presence. this woman – a gay shy ivy league book worm - was our star editor. it took her three weeks before she would look in my eyes when i said hello in the office– back when my magazine was just that.

so i go. and my stomach hurts – and it is surreal. like a bad movie of the week. i see her - dressed in a suit. i say hi and she looks down – defeated by everything and softly says my name. i did not get her eyes. i made small talk with the lawyers on their side – why not? it doesn’t feel like sides to me. g &j had a 60 yr old female in house lawyer – a woman who obviously went to law school back when few women did – a woman I think I would like –if I met her at a poker table in vegas. the guy lawyer is wholly uninteresting to me emotionally. i make him laugh – cause i am funny – and he does – in spite of himself.

the gay woman is sworn in and her voice is meek – as always – and she wipes her glasses over and over and listens fully to each question – trying her best, working very hard. i feel sorry for her struggling – each question taking so long for her to answer. my lawyer asks her what she likes about rosie o’donnells managing style – her stregnths and faults. the woman goes pale -
and i am so sorry i am there
for her not for me
i want to say – “hey– it’s ok – just tell your truth as you remember it. just say it – no matter what” i am not allowed to speak but i want to. I want to make it stop for everyone, but cannot. the woman asks for a break – my lawyer and i go in the bathroom and confer. we giggle like teenagers. she tells me not to care about this woman – she is on their team.

and i think of joni mitchell " church or nation - team or tribe - every notion we subscribe to - is just a borderline"

so we are back from break and the woman sworn in again – is asked to give her opinion of a book i wrote FIND ME. she must have loathed it but she lacks the viciousness to say it in front of me. she was tactful – calm and steady – took her time before choosing one word - “untrue”

and then it was lunch and when the deposition camera was off and the mike unhooked i said loudly – “ well listen i am going to leave after lunch and..” I called her name and waited until– finally - she looked at me -

“this is all corporate bullshit – it isn’t personal – they are gonna do what they do - and no matter what happens - it is going to be ok. – don’t take it to heart – i’ll see you at the liberty games” . she nodded - almost confused. i said goodbye to their lawyers– they both grinned and smiled while shaking my hand.

fame is funny.

wife swap

i searched the internet till midnight
there was only one nicki boone with a number listed
she lost her cat
i dialed
" leave a message...." said a voice unlike the one i had just watched on television
i didn't leave a message

bobby is my assistant (- bullshit - he is my brother)
also up and fuming about the abc show we just saw
find her - i im'ed
and he heard the mission impossible music in his head

three minutes
i found her he said - talked to her - she is home now - call
i do
nicki boone - from wife swap
nicki knew the odds up front - the playing field was not level
we are not even considered real wives

"we juz shakin up" ms guilispe snarled
yes doll - cause you won't let us get married
no win - forced default

still - with a fist held high above her beating heart
my nicki - she fought
with grace and dignity and something that made my skin shiver

yes - stand up
all of us
stand up - open your mouths
come in peace
but stand
up

this is rosie odonnell i said
no way she said - just like jeanne weenie
my third sister

i am nicki boone
she is me
"come on my boat" i begged
bring your wife and child
let us celebrate you - brave one
nikki boone
i can't wait to hug you
sister-friend

6 months after leaving

everyone at the elementary school hates my car
“looks like a mistake rosie – one big huge error!” then he laughed – the man with the grey eyes - followed by a chorus of moms noddong at the “marshmellow white mess.”

the ponitac aztek comes with a camper attachment in the back. one can sleep in this vehicle – on an air mattress –
available with the sport package. I got the sport package`- and the dvd player and the optional sunroof.

when I was a kid I wanted a gremlin. my aunt minnie had a gremlin – green and squat with the faint smell of cherry tobacco
that was the first car I dreamed of. next was the pacer – my gym teachers maroon red pacer – with the aquarium glass bubble back.
yes – that was car number two. I flirted with the pt cruiser – but it was surface and all about image. that car – I have been told – looks like a baby hearse.

not the aztek. mine is– all white – a truck car – a macho yet feminine auto –with gallons of guts.

I called the dealer and ordered one on the phone. the guy sounded surprised – but I figured it was the fame thing.
celebrity calling – odd that.
a guy came to my office to have me sign the papers. a tall very handsome man with amazing energy. felt like I knew him. we sat down and held each others eyes – and out of nowhere and everywhere at once - he told me I was being ripped off - that these cars were sitting rotting on the lot –noone wanted them. he asked if I knew the aztek was rated the ugliest car of the century – and right behind it – in second and third – the gremlin and the pacer.

I smiled at the man – and felt what he was about to do - he gave me 4 thousand dollars off the quoted price on the phone – I should not sign these papers he said – he would come back later that day with the revised contracts. we sat for a moment – and I told him I would give away the money he just saved me – to any charity he liked. at first he resisted – but then agreed
with pure intent comes pure result - young and brave and full of ethics.
nothing happens by chance.

so I drove my aztek for 4 months while a tv personality. not a word was said.
now this – my new reality - with no show armor – people hate my car.
they ridicule it – they cannot understand why I have it – being rich enough to get any car.
I tried to explain about the hatch back camping feature -
“who the hell camps anyway?” he did have a point.
I have never used the tent – but I like knowing I can - should I want to.

so I went on he net – after thirty days of peer pressured car shame - looked up some alternatives.
the bmw – aztek looking suv-truck thingy of comparable size cost three times as much as my aztek.

today is sept 25 2002. i did the today show to talk about the magazine law suit. katie asked me if i was as bad as some say. i smiled at said hey you know me. "but i have never worked for you rosie" was the reporters reply. my heart ached. people forget too quickly.

salvation came, not five minutes later – when a beautiful man introduced himself at the stage door. A florida resident - a lawyer– thanking me for my adoption stance.
did he know of the king boys, I asked – their case, their history.
no he said
so i told him of the young brothers on trial in florida for killing their dad. young abused boys 9 & 11 - a pedophile next door friendly with the cops. worse than any movie of the week.
I gave him my home number – asked him to find me the top female lawyer in that county.

when the magazine sued me I hired mary jo white. at the press confrence I said I got “the best female lawyer in ny”
offensive - I have heard to many – including kelli and mary jo.
fact is – I never considered a man. I knew the energy I needed would be found in a female vessel. I choose a woman – on purpose – and I needed to say so – not so she would feel invalidated – but superior.

I left the today show – and went on to my "save your soul" press tour. had anyone watched the show for the last six years?

that night a woman named jayne called me – asked if it was right – her calling as I had asked for someone – right.
Yes right. defend the king boys I told her. I will pay. she took a little convincing – but did it. right there – again
pure intention – pure result. do not use my name – do your job – give these boys a spoonful of hope. let them taste justice for once – finally. defend them in the light – stay there till you win.

she did.

she called me from the courthouse – in tears or close to it. I was painting – listening to pippin.
“they threw it out – overturned the conviction. I can’t believe it – I don’t believe it.”

believe it I said – cause this is gods light. there was silence - she was crying – this woman I had never met - her mom had died six months ago and her pain was intense. this was her first case back since - and it all seemed unreal. She wanted to believe.

well I told her - trying not to sound too annoying – too convinced
you will believe. this was a person to person call – from your mother to you.

on wednesday I will have lunch with her – this stranger from florida – a state that seems to have lost it’s soul. I will drive in to new york city in my aztek knowing two boys lives were saved for the cost of a bmw.

on the way in – I will listen to pippin

"morning glow morning glow
starts to glimmer when you know
winds of change are set to blow
and sweep this whole land through
morning glow is long past due"

my baby boy

five and fierce
pins put in his busted elbow this morning
now - in bed next to me
his lips dry and cracked

a newborn waited
unaware
on the cot next to his
mother and grandma
crying beyond scared
too tiny - this baby
to go under and out
to have to fight so soon
for life - air
unfair

out of myself
gratitude
perspective
half-full

i cannot spell
i never could
commas and capitals
only in the way
on i go
unworthy
blogging
hmmm

who is the mother
we both say me
instantly
instinct

not of my body or blood
this brilliant boy
naming every animal
without a thought

the doctor comes in
i am not as famous now
but any fame helps
always
in emergency rooms

what did you do kiddo
he asks
broke my skeleton he anwsers
and my knees wobble
as my heart again grows

do i regret leaving
the razz ma tazz
queen of the world
they said
all of them strangers
my world
made up of 6 vital souls
that is the deal i made
my promise wish prayer

how selfless people think - say
no - i know - purely selfish
life perservers
each one
i took 4
knowing with them i could never drown

my boy will remember this day
his two mommies there
when terror shook all 49 pounds
soft songs sung


chances are i would have missed this
had i not jumped
i would have been at 30 thousand feet
hoovering speeding across
to important and validating
saving strangers righting wrongs

lay down the cape

two and 1/2 years now
i have been back here
at sea level
present paniced and plain
a mom
with watery eyes
nodding at the others
my sisters my friends

take care of your children
as i will mine